Quite a dream...

I had a really weird dream last night!!

Hubby and I were at this mom and pops restaurant, that had a hotel connected to it. Well hubby and I were planning on "ahem" baby making, in that hotel after eating. Well I ordered  a strawberry shake because I was soo thirsty in the dream! And I remember drinking the shake and it was not doing ANYTHING for my thirst. I was upset about it so I summoned my hubby to come into the room so we could...yeah. And he said he would be in there shortly, but he never came in! I was HEATED! And very frustrated in the dream.

Also what was also wierd was in the dream I was hanging up a pink babies bath robe on a white hook in the room...it was like I was preparing for a baby girl? Hmm...

The main thing was the thirstyness I had during the dream

To dream that you are thirsty, symbolizes an unmet need. There is an emotional void in your life.

What about my husband avoiding me in the room?

Someone trying to avoid you may represent a feeling or fear of that person avoiding or abandoning you in real life. For more clues, consider why they are avoiding you in the dream.

Why was a hanging up baby girl's clothes in the room?

To dream that you are hanging clothes further means that you are clearing up your mind.

To see baby clothes in your dream implies that you are using a more restrained approach to communicate your thoughts and ideas. 

Honestly--I just think it's Gods way of preparing me for it! But I thought it was funny having a dream hanging up the baby bath robe because in August I dreamed I peed on a stick and it was positive. That was about 2 weeks before I got a the positive. And even though it was not sticky, this time around if I am I know it will be!

Ciao.

Beautiful, Beautiful

Just wanted to drop in real fast nasty and leave a song that has been stuck in my mind all week! It's a christian song called Beautiful, Beautiful and I hope it makes someone smile or blesses someone on their browse on my page! Lyrics are below, and Hubby and I are off to our Marriage Seminar!! Anywho...Enjoy :)





Lyrics:
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Fridays!

It's Friday! Happy Friday! Which means this week is ending and another week of hope and happiness is coming!

Hubby left last night for his 'man trip' with friends and I wasn't as heart broken as I imagined to see him go. Actually last night after work, I ordered some boneless wings and watched 'Just Wright'. Cute movie and good dinner, I was off to bed soon after that.

Today I do have some things to get done, today is Games and Puzzles on Fun Friday at my job. I think the kids are really going to enjoy some of things that I have planned, but I need to finish going to the store and getting everything I will need. I'm doing lunch with a friend and then off to work for the evening. When I get home I plan on watching a sappy movie and going to bed! I have a love/hate relationship with sappy movies.

Hubby and I have 'baby danced' again this month. I KNOW! We were supposed to wait! TO NOVEMBER! Ugh, you know I'm not patient, who am I trying to fool?! I have started charting and temping this month (I'm serious now, no more playing around!) But then...we are still playing around, because we are just randomly picking and choosing dates. Hubby likes to call it "Baby Russian Roulette" LOL. Men. But any who THE TIME IS NOW OR VERY VERY SOON! All signs in my life point to it! My insurance kicks in October 1, and I have called and clarified all information via them in regards to maternity services which are all covered (FOR FREE!! THANK YOU JESUS!) and then yesterday got my packet about my SHORT TERM DISABILITY! HALLELUJAH! I am good to go. I know it would be ideal to wait until November, but I can't just sit around and wait, we mind as well be trying while waiting, it might take us a while anyway! But hopefully not!

Well I'm off to finish this movie, eat left over wings for breakfast and get going!
Ciao.

How can it be?

That time is moving slowly but fast? This week and last week have zipped so far, but then everyday I feel like time is moving so slow?? So explican por favor? Because it makes no sense to me.

Today is just a blah day for me. I think mainly because staying home for most of the day is starting to make me crazy and then because hubby is leaving for a get-a-way trip with the boys from church. And I think I'm really REALLY going to miss him. Don't ask me why, because several months earlier I couldn't get him out of the house for the life of me. And now I can't keep him home! I'm going to miss him terribly because I don't have anything to do. And it's always fun to not have anything to do with someone else. But it's only a few days, I'll have to put my big girl panties on [where did I put those?] and just deal.


I'm making BBQ shredded pork sandwiches for his lunch [and dinner] and just finished watching Frida off my netflix. I love her, she's so inspirational...yet crazy at the same time. Inspires me to get started with art. But I'm gonna post pone art for a bit, because everyday I have some lame activities planned for myself so I don't go crazy. Today was deal with laundry and cleaning [this is an ongoing project, sadly]. Tomorrow I think is a good day to hit the book store for some $1 book sales and get some good readers. Sure I have about 184,857,582 books here, and 543,563 of those are unread or not completed, but I digress.

Friday, well I think I'm going to clean out my bedroom side table drawers, they get so messy so fast! Saturday, I'm going to work all day, that's good and then hopefully hang out with the other lonely wives, whose husbands have left them as well. And then Sunday GOOD OL SUNDAY! I will meet again with my love <3, I already can't wait and he hasn't even left yet.

I realized that by making lots of daily mini goals I can slowly accomplish something, without committing to a huge project and nauseating myself with the details of it. I hope this works, because even when I do get pregnant, it's just gonna be 9 MORE MONTHS of sitting at home WAITING!

But at least I won't be alone :)
Ciao.

Yesterday when we were getting high...

You were invited, you would of liked it...I-I-I-I-I know you all too well.

Ok clearly this was a lyric and not my own thoughts :)

Any who basically yesterday was a really good day!

Hubby called me while I was running to the store to grab some ingredients for lunch. At first I was like, OK his temporary job ran out of work for him and he will have to come home early. (This happened about two times last week). But instead he started telling me about a wonderful career opportunity at a company and the salary they offered him! I was elated! We had always said that the amount he was offered would have been ideal, but we never would have thought he would actually be offered that!

So we are extremely blessed! We were both praising the Lord and thanking him for everything he has done for us. Our faith has held true and God has shown me his promises are true! 

Oh and to top off the day hubby received his diploma in the mail! I'm so proud of him...
Yesterday was such a good day.



And now I'm more READY THAN EVER to start the babymakin...

Time is moving...

SLOW!

I know, I know, patience blah blah blah. Really on my mind right now is BABIES! A mere month, 2 weeks and 5 days till then...ahh.

Anywho, I totally got the big red hand from hubby when I announced my future plans of taking art/yoga class.
He stated

"It sounds expensive!" 

And then of course I said

"Only a mere 30,000 pesos! (I think that's 300?)" 

And then he said

"Can't you just do a yoga DVD at home? And paint a picture here?" 

Uhh...

But it is true, so I can still in fact complete those things, just at home. Which is good because honestly I can probably paint a nice picture for our bathroom. The entire wall is huge...and bare. But I chose the theme colors purple, gray and light yellow and it's hard to find anything to go up there. So I'll just make my own (I'm smiling smugly at myself.) I also think volunteering would help, but I can't actually force myself to start looking into it. I would like to work at an animal shelter...or maybe even a homeless shelter? Not sure how I feel about having to commit to something I'm not confident or sure I want to do.

Today has just begun, but I'm already out of bed, doing laundry, cleaning dishes, and straightening the house up. I have to make lunch for hubby when he gets home from work. And then off to work. This pretty much sums up the rest of September.


Hurry November! Hurry!

Another day...

another doller.

I have to work later today. Work has been kicking my butt lately and giving me the ride of my life. Sometimes I leave their smiling ear to ear bursting that the seams at the results of my day, and some days I leave their almost in tears and so frustrated that I immediately call my husband to complain. The job is treacherous and it's such hard work, but I when it pays off and I get to see a sliver of fun and excitement in those kids, the pay off is so worth it.

I have this feeling that GOD wants me to do this for sure. Don't know how it will lead to counseling but I'm sure it's all planned out.

Besides work I'm in this dreaded 2 month wait for TTC. I chose November as the best month to start and let me give you the sure fire ways I know it is:

1. My job offers both benefit and job protected leave for 12 weeks. You have to be at the company for at least 12 months= 1250 hours to qualify. At the end of the July will mark my complete year.  If I were to get pregnant in Nov, will be due in August.
2. I started temping (I said what the hey!) and that will give me 2 extra months to learn my cycle and better predict ovulation and increase chances of getting pregnant (around my birthday too!)
3. I will be officially taken prenatal vitamins for 3 months, which is the recommended time and amount to have in your system before you actually start baby making. 
4. Give us time to settle in our fields a bit more and save more money.
5. I will be under  under or around 7 months around May, and will still be able to travel and attend my friends weddings, my hubby is in one and I in another a week later! And will have a cute bump to sport too!

God is something else. I know I had prayed and prayed for a baby last month, and sadly it came and went. But how lucky am I? I didn't realize it, but I called my insurance company this week and my job health insurance doesn't start until Oct. I bet you, if I was already pregnant and then got the job insurance, they would have treated it as a pre-existing condition. Making my life a whole lot complicated than it needs to be.

All in all, I really think November is the ideal time to start trying and I need to learn that PATIENCE is a virtue (blah blah blehhh). I smile smugly at myself because actually this all mature and smart baby planning. We are not just blindly jumping in and having no idea what we are really doing. We are lining up most of our ducks and somewhat in order (hehe).

Well I only have a mere...1 month and 3 weeks until...I'm sure I can entertain myself for this long...

P.S I TOTALLY GRADUATE WITH MY MASTERS IN COUNSELING TODAY! Did I forget to add that? FRIED ICE CREAM HERE I COME!

Those crazy dreams...

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was out and about with hubby, we were at some sort of ....thing. LOL, I can't recall where we were but it was like we were just walking around downtown it seemed, in and our through random buildings. Any who, hubby was with friends from back home, and he mentioned that he used to do drugs. Drugs?! He said hardcore drugs like crack cocaine and heroine. I couldn't believe it! Then I got super angry, like RED HOT angry! I told him in the dream that he also lied to me about several things like drinking and stuff. And told him that I couldn't even trust him anymore. I was so upset and devastated!

  

To dream that someone is a liar, indicates your growing distrust for that person. You may have lost your faith in that individual. Alternatively, it suggests that you are no longer as confident.

To see your husband in your dream, signifies the waking relationship with your husband and the unconscious feelings you have towards him. The dream may be trying to focus on hidden elements that you are not addressing in your waking life.

Hmm...

A new start.

So I have decided on some small things to start with.

I have already somewhat mastered getting over my cooking fear. I have not only saved money, but also learned quite a few delicious meals that my Hubby really enjoys : )

So along with cooking and waiting until the long time before November 1st (only a mere, 1 month 4 weeks and 3 days left!) I have decided to take an Art class offered by the City, as well as an 8 week yoga/mediation class.

It's about $300.00 for everything together. Along with this, I've also decided to let my hubby purchase the video camera he's been dying to get in order to start his career jump.

This sounds promising...as a new start.

• Get a job!
• Work on yard (front and back)
• Travel to Las Vegas one more time :)
• Take a dance class
• Take a yoga class
• Take an art class
• Go camping
• Go to ski resort/cabin
• Change last name (officially!)
• Finish scrapbooks (up to date)
• Go out of the country again (Mexico, Puerto Rico, Italy, etc!)
• Go on a cruise!
• Go to New York City for a weekend- see a Broadway play
• Paint a picture for the home
• Finish (5) books (on book #1!)
• Get a fish tank and fishes!
• Put hardwood floors down
• Start and save extra money in new account for baby! :)
• Buy a new digital camera
• Go to California
• Have a dinner party (cooked by me!)

Hard to deny the flesh...

It is very hard...but let me tell you my story.

We actually decided in the middle of August that we were going to start for a family. Yes, it probably wasn't the ideal time and things could have waited but because hubby said to me, that he was ready, I decided FINALLY! And couldn't wait any longer, but also thinking that chances are it may take 2 or 3 months to even get pregnant. I obsessed during the dreaded 2 week wait over every little detail. Pregnancy and babies had consumed my life. I had stopped doing anything, including planning for work, cooking dinner, doing household chores, even walking my dog for crying out loud. Everything was baby, baby, baby! My hubby found it annoying, and I did too, I just couldn't stop!

Well...we ditched the rubber contraception and after we "baby danced" around the time I get my period I noticed it was late. I was excited because--well this could be it!  Finally a day after what I thought my period should have started I took an early pregnancy test and it said positive, but it was very faint. But a line is a line right? I was soo excited! The next day which was Saturday I took 4 more tests, all early response tests and they were faint but visible positives. I WAS UBERLY EXCITED! I told hubby and my parents and shared the good news with some friends at work.

Well, the next morning Sunday, I took a digital test to confirm...to my surprise it said Not pregnant. I was so confused, I was late on my period and I had gotten like 6 positive tests. Maybe I'm early? Well, I'll take another early response test to confirm, because it should be getting darker...well I took the test and to my dismay, it was even fainter than the one before. I was devastated. I cried and cried that morning, alone in my bathroom.

I knew something was wrong. Already.

The next morning, my period has started and I realized I had a chemical pregnancy.

"A chemical pregnancy is another name for a very early miscarriage.

When implantation occurs, but the pregnancy fails to develop properly, it is called a chemical pregnancy. That's because you were technically pregnant (you produced the chemical HCG), but a normal pregnancy did not result. You see it as a regular period, or a period that is a few days late."

I was pretty upset that Sunday when my test was negative, but I went to church and was prayed for by the pastor. Some key things I remember, is that he said I didn't like to see women and children hurt, and that it will show in my near future. He also said things will be better for my husband and I. He also said that God is gonna deal with me on some things first...he's gonna deal with me.

And I think I know what's going on. I think God is testing not only my faith in him, but my patience. My patience was good for a bit, but nearly not long enough. I rushed into this baby thing, and completely forgot about my responsibilities and important issues.

Long story short, I decided this morning, because it was set on my heart to do this...was to be patient until November to start TTC again. I chose this date to give myself time learn a bit more about my body, to get my insurance and benefits understood/eligible at my job (FML is job AND benefit protected for 12 weeks!). And to spend the next few days getting into a routine of walking my dog and self, making sure my home stays clean, getting closer to God, doing my best at work and making sure I'm keeping myself busy at home doing things I want, volunteer and yoga/art.

I sure said alot...but hopefully it will happen soon enough, and this time it will last...

God said to me

...To be patient. God said to me, to calm down and rest assured that his plans are for the best. He is a amazing and miraculous God and you just need to have faith in him. I do have faith in God and his will, will be done in my life. I choose God's will and I choose to follow, praise, worship, and trust in God. And this is very true. And from my heart, inspired by God...

Thank you for the message Lord.

Crazy Dream...

I had a CRAZY dream last night! Well the main parts, hubby and I had moved to Aruba Aruba, which look liked my current city but was considered Mexico in Aruba Aruba in the middle of the desert! But it was like we went on vacation and ended up staying because it was like this cult! And there were people from my city I know and friends from church there. I remember thinking I can never go back home though or have any one to pick me up because they may hurt me. We were stranded in the cult.

Any who something in the dream that sticks out was I went to the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. It was positive. Now, I'm not getting excited because it's just a dream. But I've heard a lot of stories of women dreaming about it and then it coming true! How lame do I sound??

Any who let's get down to the business.

Desert

 Deserts are also symbolic of barrenness, loneliness and feelings of isolation and hopelessness. The desert landscape may also be a metaphor for feeling deserted and left behind.

Cult

On a more positive note, you have the desire to strive for a better Self. It implies devotion and sense of community. 

 Wow that is really really interesting.

Bathroom

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, a bathroom symbolizes purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

Stranded

To dream that you are stranded, represents your feelings of isolation and loneliness. You are seeking out for someone to help and rescue you from your situation. 

Hmm...this is worrying me! Well last but not least... 

   

Pregnancy Test 

Alternatively, this dream may be literal in meaning and address your anxieties/fears of getting pregnant.

 Soo...this is right on the money at least! I'm still due for AF technically tommorow, don't think I should this early...but....

Ciao.

Ugh--this week has been crazy!

Craziness!

I have started about 3 entries, only to not finish them and start doing something else. [A.D.D!]

Well TTC is underway and there's no way I can keep it a secret on my blog, but I doubt anyone actually reads my blog who knows me personally,  

But if you do, please keep these things private, DO NOT flower my facebook profile with baby related things and congratulations on my page!! 

I need to be ready to come out on my own about things at my own pace. But I need my release here. Plus it's not like it's a big secret anyway, everyone knows how baby crazy I've been since...geez forever?

Sunday, 31 August 2008

First comes marriage...then comes the baby!

But it's so wierd. I believe GOD always sends me messages. I don't know how but sometimes they come in various ways. And lately...my heart has been feeling strongly about a baby. I do not know why. Being pregnant and starting a family is weighing so heavily right now. There's more things I want to do in life before settling down like that. I still need to finish school, we have to get married next year, we need to find a spot we want to live in thats great for both of our careers...I'm looking at baby stuff, and thinking about babies, I'm so akward with babies though, you can tell I'm such a non baby person...I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from, and I don't know if we are ready for a baby now, but I got a feeling after we get married in June, and I graduate in school....it might happen. I mean, I know you can never really plan for a baby...because things never go as planned, but is there a right time, or good time to have one??

So you see that it's been literally a while since GOD has put that on my heart and I've been treading along...each year after year...

Friday, 10 July 2009

I finally got it.

Well...now I am happily married!! Let's see...happily married (together for over 5 years, living together for almost 2), stable job, house, a car... No...this burning desiring to reproduce that months later has not left me. I have tried to explain it to others, including JC and no one really gets it. It's a constant mind vs. body war. I really don't want to have a child right now, but it's so weird...it's like everything has came together perfectly that this is what I'm supposed to do?? I beg to differ logically. Ok...children are $$$ and time...and a lot of things that I don't really want to give up right now. But it's like my body is fighting and boy when she fights, she fights hard. My ovulation cycles are getting painful! Like every time a egg shoots out they are determined!!I'm trying to deal...it's the most frustrating anxiety I have experience so far in my life. I guess I'm ready in all the ways...but still 2 years is ideal!!

And so, yes I feel that for some crazy reason, God is leading my heart to believe that the time is now! And if it isn't 'right now' I'm sure it will be right on time when he wants it.

But sure enough...I have been officially exposed to the world of TTC [trying to conceive] learning the terms, BD [baby dance], DPO [days past ovulation], CM...I'm not going to say that one. But it's just sooo much information. And of course like the nerd I am, I am learning every single thing and trying wayyy to hard than I bet Adam and Eve did to accomplish this goal. I am not charting and taking temps, oh no, it's not like that. But I am looking at every single little symptom and I'm just TIRED of that. Literally tired [SYMPTOM!]

But as of today, I have decided that I'm pretty sure like 80% sure that AF [another word!] will appear soon, so I'm just hanging out till then.There's always next few months and I really think that the farther along in the summer the better because we are in weddings next year!

Other than that, OMG work has been atrocious! I'm pretty sure that word was not necessary or even used correctly, but I wanted to use it today, just to magnify the emotion. I mean some of these kids [and by kids I mean teens!] are out of control and really need their parents to be jailed for the lack and neglectful childhood they gave them. Most of the teens are good kids, but they are slowly being corrupted by what they see in their neighborhood and in the nasty negative media. Honestly, I felt that yesterday I just wanted to quit because my patience has disappeared. But after alot of pep talks, I decided to just put on my big girl panties [yeah, I thought I had them on too, but apparently they haven't been] and take this in stride. This job is a work in progress, and if I just give up now, I'll just be hurting them more than myself. The fortune cookie slip that I found right outsdie my car door a few weeks back stated

"Stick with the career that challenges you, otherwise you'll just be wasting your talent"

No lie. It said that. At the time I was working at the restaurant and doing my internship...but it's funny isn't it?

Ciao.

Well...

Here it is. Everything I wanted to happen is being able to happen. This.Is.Exciting. except for being a nervous wreck, I'm still trying to be faithful.

Today we have a lot of fun stuff going on for the kids. Today is Fun Friday! Hopefully it goes by quickly and swiftly because I'm back there all day tomorrow. Hopefully it should be interesting.

Things still aren't clear with Hubby and Job choice yet...we are just counting down the days and remembering to count our blessings. We have faith and know God is working things out the way they need to be :)

Ciao.

What is wrong with me?!

Ugh! I do not LIKE myself right now. I'm hot, I'm cold, and I'm yes and I'm no. This whole time I have been so eager and so ready to do this...but yesterday Hubby (most likely jokingly) challenged me on it. And I backed down. And I've been scared since...what am I scared of? I started thinking...

"What if we didn't save enough?"

"What if I didn't travel enough?"

"What if we didn't see enough movies and dinners out??" [I know...for sure we have seen more movies and ate out enough. We have exceeded the average couple probably :)]

Just everything scares me. The whole idea, everything. It's almost like I know I am or something. It's just scary now. But I'm going to put on my big girl panties and think about this.

Patiently waiting for Mr.Change

I am very surprised at my patience lately. Like very. Hubby is still waiting about job situations and the many different options he has. So far it's been playing the waiting game for a few months now and I'm sure he's ready to move on. He seems restless but he keeps pushing.

The biggest surprise of all...I actually thought I was going to dread the new job, but I actually enjoy it! The middle school kids I work with are pretty good kids with of course minor faults and issues involving discipline, simply because they've never had anyone seriously discipline them. I made 4 easy rules with them.

1. Ask permission. To do anything. I don't care if you want to leave the room to throw away paper or get some water. Ask first. I think it's important for them to learn to be obedient in order to get more privileges.
2. Don't talk when I'm talking. Simple.
3. Be respectful. To themselves, others, and furniture in the room. I told them if they weren't respectful to the furniture it would leave. Then they'd have to stand or sit on the floor. 
4. Be open. Come to me with problems or issues. And be suggestive. Let me know if you don't want to do something and I'll expect you to come up with other ideas that will make it more fun. 

 I thought my rules were simple and easy.  It took me a while to come up with the perfect set, but I think this is good.

So yes, things are going pretty good. And I'm happy for the most part. I know I have to take the ups with the downs and that it will be a challenge. A BIG CHALLENGE. But the benefits are great, the pay is semi-decent, and I only work 4 hours a day. Not bad at all... I'm ready to get back to our regular lifestyle, not having to squeeze each penny every month.

We've learned a lot during this season...but I feel the shackles are ready to come off and God is going to put us back in the game. I'm excited because our breakthrough is so close! SO CLOSE! And this time around we know what to do right, and who to put first in our lives now.  

Lesson Learned!

Ciao.

P.S- As you noticed, the lovely "TTC" ticker is gone, since we decided that we were mentally and emotionally ready earlier than anticipated; we are no longer going to be counting down : ) Don't get too excited we are still waiting...but the time will be unknown now : )

Wow

I have to remember this day forever. And since I'm documenting it, it shouldn't be that hard to return to. But today started off normal as usual. I woke up first. Took care of the animals, did some internet surfing, then woke up Hubby for church. We played pillow fight and then ate some breakfast. Went to church.

Today at church it was our Pastor Appreciation Weekend. They perform songs and offerings for the pastors to show how much they are appreciated at church. We donated a couple hundred a few weeks back. We already made that money back by the way...

Anywho, we had a pastor from another church come, and he was quite refreshing and funny. But the funniest thing of all, once how today, God answered many of prayers. First...the doubt I struggle with for the past few weeks. The untimely, annoying, and painstaking doubt that clouds my mind from time to time when I get alone.

"What if God isn't real?"
"What if I'm just giving money to people who taken advantage of me?"
"What if I follow all these rules and change my life, just for nothing?"

Those are the horrible, yet human thoughts that flood my mind from time to time. Today...was different though. This pastor spoke about how the gifts of God may come through your pastors. He explained that they are very important and vital to our learning, because God has anointed them to teach and show us better living and Godly walks in life. He explained when you give to them, you are really appreciating them and gaining favor. Now I've heard this many times before. But today was different. He explained that in some parts of the eastern hemisphere of the world many people walk to their kings, rulers, etc and they bow down to them. They lay whatever problems, issues, etc at their feet. This is asking them for permission to be in their presence. If you get up, and they make any sort of nod, smile, or recognition towards you, this means that they have recognized you and blessed you. Then you walk backgrounds, never turning your back from them. You walk until you have reached a point where you can bow again, to thank them, and then turn right or left to exit.

He said with that blessing "24 Every place whereon the sole of your foot shall tread shall be yours" --Duet 11:24 which he said told us every place where you walk, victory will follow. 

He asked if anyone wanted to try this. Over half the church stood. Including hubby and I. We walked to the front and waited while couple by couple everyone began doing this. 


My body began to involuntary shake. I started crying profusely. I was confused myself! I had never felt this way before. My hubby was crying as well. When it was our turn we held hands, and walked to the front and bowed down. I can't even explain this in such rich detail for you to even comprehend the feelings that overcame me. I think I had the holy ghost. And I laid all my problems at their feet. And suddenly understood that God wants me to do this. He wants me to realize these two humans, are not abusing me or trying to scam me. As I saw tears from their eyes and great appreciation and even some unbelief to their eyes. I realized if they were truly false, they would be prideful sitting there and expecting this behavior for us. Smug in their own selfishness. But they weren't. And it was the best experience for both of us. I realized that I wanted to do God's will forever and ever. And that he is the leader in my life and I want to live through him. No more questioning for me. 


Secondly, afterward we went out to eat with friends. During conversation we were asked about children. 

Prepared to give my usual 

"Well we are just waiting until..."

Hubby proudly said 

"Yeah, I'm pretty ready for a baby"

AKDJASFHJAKLGHJLAHJGHJKSHGDFJK!!! 
Yes, this is what I literally did in my head to keep me from passing out on my salad. After dinner, when we were alone...I asked hubby about it. And he confirmed. He is ready for spawn. Wow. I told him I would of preferably liked if he would have told me this in private first, because he's never told me, but whatever! I couldn't believe it. In fact I asked several times, and he kept laughing and saying he thought 'I knew' (how man like.).


I told him...that I have been waiting for him to tell me this for almost 2 years. 

He said "Well here's your two week notice."

Needless to say I was smiling from ear to ear. 


My hubby is ready for kids. That means we are both ready. Part One is complete. Yay!!! SUCCESS! THANK YOU JESUS! Part Two is in the works. Now that he feels ready, I want him to get excited, anxious, and anticipating the big event! I always said after he said he was ready, we needed a few more months to mentally prepare!  This makes the process more exciting for both of us! Not only that, but I guess I better get in baby making shape. I still need doctors visits, dentists visits, easy exercise, and of course 3 months of prenatal pills before trying (and of course if he has a job again and we become stable again). I am extremely overjoyed at the moment, and thankful that God has heard my prayers and my hearts desire. 


Whew, I wrote a lot...but it was a lot to comprehend. Like I said, I have to remember this date forever. 


Ciao.

Fire Dreams

I had the craziest dream that I was staying with my pastor's family (in a huge home) and their house caught on fire. They all got into their car and drove away with me running behind. I saw one of our friends, the driver, look at me through the mirror so I knew she saw me running. They still left me. I thought about all my stuff I would lose in that home (suitcases and such). I was supposed to be going back to my dad's house (in ohio) that night too. Anywho, my neighbor came to her door (cause apparently their huge house was where I live) and she was shocked...because I started to catch on fire! I said to myself

"Don't freak out, calm down, drop and roll around on the ground" 

And I started to that, but no one helped me in the dream, not my pastor, my friends, my neighbor. No one. Then I woke up.

This is what I got about dreams on fire:

"Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing...It represents your drive, motivation, and creative energy."

Hmm...what about the house and  me catching on fire?

To dream that you are being burned by fire, indicates that your temper is getting out of control.  Some issue or situation is burning you up inside.

To dream that a house is on fire, indicates that you need to undergo some transformation. If you have recurring dreams of your family house on fire, then it suggests that you are still not ready for the change or that you are fighting against the change. Alternatively, it highlights passion and the love of those around you.

 Wow...that's really interesting...I wonder what I'm fighting, maybe the baby desire? So,what about the fact no one helped me and I felt alone?

To dream that you are or feel helpless, suggests that you are experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself.

To dream that you are alone, indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understand you.

 

What about the fact that my pastor and friends took off without  me? And the neighbor who only stared out to me...??

To dream that you have been betrayed, represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation.  This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time. 

To dream that you are abandoned, suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes... Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are feeling neglected or that your feelings are being overlooked.

Well, I think I can piece this together...I think a lot of has to do with me giving into God, and really trying to change my life to be a better christian. But no matter what, theirs always that slight doubt in the back of my mind that I fight with. Telling me what if it's not true, and what if things don't change for you. BUT I fight the devil with scripture and keep on going to church, and feeding myself the word. Because faith only comes by hearing the word of God. And I want to build my faith, it's OK if the devil tries to misguide me, HE IS A LIAR!

 Ciao.

La la la

Well last night felt pretty good coming home from walking Amia (dog) and hubby coming home around the same time (first time we've met up at home all week)! Storms came and lights went out, but I kinda liked it, cause we ended up playing a fun computer game and ordering pizza. Sometimes I like when God reminds us of the little things we forget. The electric came back on shortly and our pizza arrived and we watched TV,  and then went on our separate ways for the night. Him, back to his graphics for work and me watching the Friday's Flick Pick on Lifetime (hehe).

I did feed into my baby desire last night by reading some WTTC (waiting [to] try to concieve) blogs and forums, which made me feel better knowing there are sooo many other women in my same stance right now. So it doesn't make me crazy at all. It's nice they have support with each other and keep each other occupied long enough to help pass the time.

Hubby and I also had a chat last night, and of course I let the B word slip out. But to my surpise he just said

"We will...probably really soon, yeah pretty soon"

This is good. This is very good. Now I'm sure as a man he was talking out of his you know where, but I know in man language this means

"I think I'm considerably ready"

Now in real life, I know that if he is considerably ready, we have to wait a few more months. My master plan is whenever he says he's ready or he wants to...that I make him wait longer. I know this defies the logic of my whollleee idea to get pregnant sooner, but remember I don't want a baby NOW. I want him to want to start a family SOON. I actually don't want a baby right now, no matter how crazy I sound talking about it on a daily basis. I actually really want my hubby to get more excited about it and for him to want him as bad I do. THEN try for a baby. It will be an exciting and anxious experience on both ends for us. Does this make sense?

Basically, I really think hubby is ready and wants to start a family fairly soon, but I know he wants to get this business off and running as well as a stable back up career (full time job). Once he gets settled in this I think he will be more than ready. And I'm willing to wait for that! Honestly! No matter how baby crazed I appear, I'm willing to wait for that, I JUST CAN'T WAIT cause I'm so excited and anxious for THAT moment.

I sort of just had a revelation with myself through this...I don't want a baby (well I do A LOT) but I really just want hubby to be on board with the idea. I can wait, but I'm super excited about going through the experience together...that's what I'm waiting for.

Anywho, work has been allright. I have to remember that I'm doing the best I can do, and it will take some getting used to. They like to 'play everything by ear' and that's not gonna work with me, because if your house doesn't have structure how do you plan on keeping your furniture together?? (That was probably a bad metaphor but you get it?) Basically if the staff aren't organized why in the world would the kids be organized and happy?

La la la...

Ciao.

I told myself.

That's right. I told myself. I said "SELF...you need to get it together!!" Quite surely you can straighten up and get your life together and wait a measly 9 more months before you car wreck your mind about this whole baby business. And then I said "Self...you are right".  I understand this makes me crazy, but it's ok because I took an oath (and student loan) to work with crazy people such as myself.

This teen director stuff is quite hectic and unorganized. Hopefully it gets more structured. This is a deal breaker if it doesn't.

Ciao.