My Labor and Delivery

OK...so it finally happened! I'm so excited to finally be able to type up this long anticipated told and retold story about my birthing experience.

Well after I totally made that post about being so frustrated with waiting for the baby to come and how depressed I was that I was given a inducement date. That just made things so real, that perhaps he wasn't really coming on his own.

The next day...was Thursday the 16th. I woke up around the time my hubby wakes up for work (6:30 am) with some strong braxton hicks so called similar PMS cramping. Now I had BH cramping everyday for about a week (they were strong and quite regular, every 20-40 minutes for a week). I had just seen my OB on Tuesday and despite my claims of strong BH, I was only 90% effaced and 1 good cm still.  I made that frustrated post, since at that appointment my OB stated my uterus wasn't 'favorable' and set my induction date for next Thurs 6/23.

Well--back to Thursday morning. I woke up with pains but not 'unbearable'. I went pee- simply because my BH would usually let up if I-- A. Peed or B. Eat/Drink. After peeing I felt better and got back into bed. But the pain was still annoyingly there. I wanted to complain to my hubby but I kept it to myself as he would try to stay home from work in anticipation. And I didn't want him to waste time off for BH. I kept quiet.

Shortly after he left-- I had a BH that made me grab my headboard. It was really strong. I had another one after that when I tried to get up and ended up leaning over my dresser clutching my stomach. I decided to get up and walk around and bounce on my birthing ball. I noticed that pain got worse and it was in a pattern. I would have to get off my birthing ball and sort of clutch the couch or table. I went back and forth in my mind wether or not I should call my hubby. Finally I decided to call him because the pain was worth him riding the hour back home (yikes!). Hubby was really receptive and could tell that something was not right with me, he came back home. While waiting for him, I spoke to one of my best  friends, and we concluded that I was indeed really in labor! I got really excited and really nervous.

When hubby came home I had consistent contractions about 10 minutes apart for 2 hours. I called my doctor and she wanted me to go in to L&D ward. I got really excited and so did my hubby. The pain was pretty bad about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. When we got there, I got hooked up to the fetal monitoring and they checked me for dilation. A mere 2 cm. But at least I was indeed in early labor! I couldn't be admitted just yet, the nurse asked me to walk around for an hour to see if things progressed. Hubby and I walked around for an hour and then came back once my contractions reached about 5-7  minutes apart. I was so excited yet in a lot of pain--I'd say it moved to a 6 at this point.

We got hooked back up to the machine...and waited. My 5-7 minute contractions died down to a mere 10 minute apart contraction. I looked at the clock and an hour had passed and no Dr had came back to see us. Finally an hour and few minutes later...the Dr comes back to check. Still only 2 cm, no progress made. My hormones were racing naturally--and I was so upset. Dr. discharged us and told me come back when the contractions were 3-4 minutes apart for 2 hours or as long as you can stand it. This is my first time hearing this vs. the usual 5 minutes apart, lasting one minute long and for one hour. I took the instructions and cried to my husband about how I was going to possibly last with the painful contractions...creeping up to a 6 on the pain scale by this point. Dr. told me to take tylenol. Hmph. Male doctor...that was like a slap in my face to anyone in labor. Take a tylenol. ^%^$^$#%@%$^!!!

Anywho...we went back home around 1 pm. I labored. And labored. My contractions were getting more painful and lasting much longer, but never moved passed the 8-10 minute mark. My hubby would just follow me around my house--when I had a contraction I'd drop down to my knees and rock, with him behind me. He'd say things like "It's gonna be over soon-- it can't last forever" "Ride the wave"...and as cheesy as it was, it really REALLY helped me to hear that. Sometimes he wouldn't say, or he'd spend time breathing with me which also helped alot. Sort of distracted me to try to match his breathing.

My hubby's parents happened to arrive and by that point I was having horrible pains. A good 7-8 on pain scale. I didn't want to be around them, or anyone else and was having so much trouble dealing with the long contractions.

Around 9 pm I had reached my max. I had called several women I knew to confirm that I was indeed feeling normal things. I had started having really bad chills, and my contractions were lasting minutes. But still--my contractions were only 7-8 minutes apart. I told my husband to pack it up--because I couldnt deal with it any longer. The best way for me to explain my contractions...were just painful all over body experiences. When people said you would really know when you were having contractions...I totally understand now!

So we packed it up and headed back to our hospital. Longest 20 minutes in my life! I coached my husband to just tell the front desk that my contractions were 5 minutes apart. I needed help!

When we got to the hospital my pain was at hard 8!! The staff knew I was in the real deal from when they saw me earliar. They immediatlely got us to a room and checked me for dilation. I was almost 5 cm!! I couldn't believe it! I was so glad I had went in when I did because God knows where I would have been waiting around at home for contractions that were 3-4 minutes apart of hours!

Around 11-12 pm they got us admitted, hooked up to the machine and offered my epidural. They gave me 'nubane' (spelling?) in a drip. That drug was horrible. It made me feel very woozy and drunk. But I could still feel my contractions and it was all very distracting. When I got my epidural it was the first time I was away from my hubby and I had contractions while they were prepping me. The nurse asked me to hold on to her and use my breathing techniques to get through them. I shouted "OW OW OW THIS HURTS THIS HURTS IT HURTTSSS". She said 'Remember  your breathing techniques' and I snapped at her 'THIS IS MY BREATHING TECHNIQUE!!'

After the epidural things had definitely settled down. I was checked again at 1 am and was a full 5 cm. Nurse said she would come back in a few hours to check me. My hubby passed out on a cot, and bless his heart he had been up all day with me and also hadn't eaten.  I tried to rest, but the wooziness of the nubane drug and the anxiety of my labor kept me tossing and turning. The nurse came back at 5 am and checked me...she said I was 9 cm! She said we were just waiting for my water bag to break and then we'll be delivering the baby! I was so excited! I had heard alot about how epdiruals slow down your labor but luckily mines kept trucking!

An hour later she came back at 6 am--and stated my water bag still hadn't broken although it was bulging like a overfilled balloon. She said once it broke, the baby could start coming down the birth canal and we could deliver at 8 am. Long story short--my water never broke on it's own. The nurse tried to break it when she checked me, and told me it was water bag of titan. We had to wait for the doctor to come and use the hook. So that took forever--I mean hours later the doctor strolled in and popped it. She said there was meconium in the fluid--which meant my late coming but impatient child already took his first poo. Ugh. They had to get respirortay team in the room when I delivered due to the fact that he could ingest it and need help breathing.

Around 11 am we started our practice pushes. My hubby held one side of my leg while the nurse held the other and we practiced pushing baby down the birth canal. That was exhausting. We took mini breaks and watched price is right in between. I'll never forget that. Finally after an hour of practice around 12 the doctor came with respiratory team and we were all ready for showtime.

The emotions going through my head were completely crazy. I was excited, scared, anxious and overwhelmed all at the same time. I couldn't believe what I was just about to do. I started feeling my body pushing naturally and went with the flow. We tried a new pushing position where I grabbed my own legs. I realized then---that I could feel my leg. I could feel my leg. Which meant I could feel other things. The doctor stretching me out and the baby's head decsending. I started freaking out. The nurse could tell the epidural was running out because she tried to convince me it truly was a good thing, now that I easily push. I mentally went nuts--but had to remain calm. I mean what could I do--I thought to myself. Close my legs and suck baby back up for a few more days?? The baby was coming out and my epidural was running out and I would probably feel pain. But there was no turning back.

Doctor made me push a few times and she said the baby was sort of sliding back up behind my pelvic bone. They used the vacuum on me. The suction wouldn't stick because my baby had so much hair! So I kept hearing and feeling the suction break, and it would freak me out. Finally once the baby had been pushed past my pelvic bone the doctor told me to give it all I had. I pushed and low and behold I felt the head pop out (literally pop out) and then the body came and the doctor flipped him around.

I looked at this purple/blue big headed full of hair baby screaming bloody murder with his long fingers all over his face.

 

I started screaming and crying. My husband thought I was still in more pain. But I started screaming 'Omg--that's MY baby' 'I just had MY baby' 'He's MINE!'. I couldn't take my eyes off him. The whole time he was being cleaned and warmed by the on call team. The doctor pulled my placenta out and sewed me up. By that point I could feel down there and it was painful. It was more painful because it took 20 minutes and I couldn't hold or touch my baby until she was finished. I could barely see him while they were cleaning him and I became so overwhelmed with our bond being missed I started crying out of sadness. They provided me with stupid nubane again. THEN--they brought him over, but the drunk feeling that drug gave me wouldn't allow me to hold my baby correctly. I kept telling my hubby to take him because I couldn't hold him or focus. I was really upset.

After we got to our recovery room--and things got settled, my hormones changed again. I became elated after the nubane wore off. I was mentally sane and over joyous. I spent hours calling family and friends and telling the story and how happy I was. I kept asked the nursery team when I could see him since it had been a few hours since the delivery. They explained he was a little cold and needed to get his body tempature back up to par. I waited patiently.

Finally they brought him in. He was swaddled like a burrito and I was so googly eyed and in love with him. I stared at his face and cuddled with him. I started breastfeeding right away and even though it hurt I felt so bonded with him.

Things were great at the hospital...it wasn't until we left home...where I realized what a major impact this baby created in our life....

The first few weeks...

Best day of my life. Yesterday had to be. But let's take it back to the beginning.

Frustrated with myself.

Here I am at 40+3 and no baby. Yesterday I was upset when coming from the Dr's, I found out that although baby monkey was doing great, I was not progressing with labor. My doctor used the term 'unfavorable'. That is depressing to hear. They said they would call with induction dates.

Today they called. June 23 was the date chosen. I wasn't even asked to have an opinion. It was chosen for me. That's more than a week away. This is just so discouraging. I called my dad and ranted to him. Upset. I posted my feelings on facebook and twitter. Yet I still feel really really down about this. Like I don't know why--I guess because it's just taking so long and I'm anticipating it. I think some of it has to do with the unexpected realization that this could take so long. It's not so cut and dry as you would think. My first mommy lesson.


I have a few things planned to do over the next week to keep me busy:

• Make a rice sock
• Finish Scrapbooking
• Bake a birthday cake
• Make a belly cast
• Make a labor playlist
• Finish my garden (actually...care about my garden)
• Finish thank you cards

I hope that's enough things to keep me from not eating everything in sight while boring myself to death. I'm trying to look on the bright side of things--but I just need time to get over the dark side first I guess.

Hopefully he will come sooner and on his own--

The Expierence

I can't believe. Here I am. 39 weeks and into my 40th week. This is it. I will be having "The Experience".

Now that I'm getting closer I like reading other people's labor stories and hearing others. They have been through something I have not. And it's all so different-- I wonder what my story would be like? Will I have an easy 12 hour birth--or gut wrenching tear jerker 'I almost didn't make it' 48 hours of labor story? Hopefully the latter.

I just feel like I'm going to cover sacred ground soon. I will be a new woman--a mom. I'm crossing that boundary from just a working married female-- to a mom whose heart lives outside of her. Everything in my life is going to change. And soon! I've been having crazy contractions these last few weeks and especially more intense the last two days. Something's bound to happen in the next few weeks....(wishfully days?)

And I think I'm ready as I'll be. Sure the house could use another good clean up (I'm all nested out at this point.) Sure- I have clothes to wash (I'm washing now...) and Sure I have some work to finish up from my job before I take leave (It will get done in the next two days). I'm as ready as I'll ever be for this baby. Mentally and all.

I'm ready for the experience!

It's June...

It's June 2011. JUNE.2011. This month my baby HAS to come out. Not like in May where "oh well..it could come out, possibly.' No- It has to come out. I would be 43-44 weeks at the end of this month, and let's be real, we ain't staying pregnant that long. I can't believe my due date is a mere 11 days away. 11 days. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??

I look back on my earliar entries on blogger and xanga where I stressed about wanting to get pregnant and planning the perfect time to get pregnant. Doing the whole taking my temps every morning with a BBT and tracking my cervical mucous (gross!) and then doing the baby dance and waiting the two week wait for testing....ahhh as technical as it all was, here I am. Working to my 39th week...and about to have this baby.

Where is my head? I can't even tell you. Sometimes I'm going through anxiety, happiness, and fear all at once! Every twinge and cramp I'm thinking 'Is this it?'. It literally reminds me of the two week wait (the wait you take after you ovulated- to see if you pregnant or not).

But everything is done. I went through a major nesting phase this weekend. Pretty much all I have to do is get some pictures made for his room, and keep the house clean. I'm still working and that's awesome because it keeps me somewhat sidetracked. But since I'm working from home- I get more sidetracked than normal.

My appetite is demolished for the most part. I eat about 2 or 3 small meals a day. I just have no desire to eat like I used to. And I eat whatever I crave. After baby comes I'll be on a stricter diet (breastfeeding) and won't be able to! Also- hubby goes right along with it. And when I want to go out and do something spontaneous, he just goes along. We know we have to cherish these last few weeks of 'our time'. That's why I sleep in a little later and spend more nights watching tv with hubby or just cuddling with him alone (and Amia.) I also had my nails and toenails done and want to get a prenatal massage before too.

The times when I'm doing all of this- I'm scared and anxious. But when I watch a baby story or read about my board members births in May/June- I get so excited! To meet Adrian and just eat his little toes and fingers! A mix of feelings.

I just can't believe it's June...and this baby has to come sometime this month. And there's no turning back when it does...

And Dear Mama...

Dear Mom-

It's been awhile (7 years to this date)- but I thought I'd update you since the last time we talked. Well first of all- I'm pregnant! I'm full term and awaiting patiently my bundle of blessings! I'm sure your excited as well- I know you'll send your love and an angel to hold my hand during the painful contractions. I've enjoyed my pregnancy for the most part and I've made sure to document it for my son so that he can enjoy the journey when he's able to.

Well educationally- since you last saw me- I've graduated from high school, from college and from graduate college! I know your proud of me, I did a lot of it to better myself, but also to prove to you I was going to make it even during your absence. Don't get my wrong I loved my college days- but their were some rough times I didn't think I was going to make it! Between my faith in God and strength through you and family I was able to make it all the way. I'm debating on getting my doctorates- but some soul searching has really proven titles aren't as important we think.

I have masters in counseling and pretty excited because it's what I really want to do in life. I got an awesome job that I really love and pretty much help people using my skills learned.

Oh- remember that guy you didn't really care for in high school cause we dated all of 1 month? Yeah well fate came back around right after you left. We ended up dating for years, moving down to South Carolina, buying a house and getting married! He's my first and only love and we're excited to be having your first grandchild! I love him like a fat kid loves cake. And you probably do too.  Oh- and don't worry we decorated the nursery room very fashionably, in fact I like our whole house decor. You probably like it too.

Well it's been 7 years since you left me and went to your eternal life of happiness. I don't care what nobody says- I believe you remember me still and watch me all the time to make sure things are going OK for me. I appreciate it and can tell sometimes you convince God to send an angel to really move in my favor. I'm doing really good and have good support all around me- all though nothing really compares to having you right here and physically talking to me, but  I'll take a rainbow, beautiful sunlight through the clouds, or a dream where you visit me.

It was great catching up with you and I always remember this date RIP Mom...

END OF DAYS!

Dear Monkey-

I know people have heard about the end of days...well this isn't that kind of end of days. I mean this is the end of my pregnancy almost! I can't believe how fast (slowww) it went! I guess it was fast and slow for me. I think it was slow for you and probably boring too. But whoa-- your life is gonna change once you live on THIS side of the womb!

Baby you are probably about 5-6 pounds now! I wonder if your a chubby or lean baby? I'm thinking lean since your have long legs and arms. You are all baby though and have no where to go in my belly, you just sort of switch your booty from side to side and that's it. I fell on you the other day and bruised myself (trying to run to the restaurant in the slippery rain in flip flops trying to NOT get my hair wet, ugh).I prayed that you'd be ok and you were shocked at first- but moving around 5 minutes after like usual.

The doctor said you were just fine, but wasn't too happy we aren't taking our iron/prenatal efficiently and drinking enough water AND driving and commuting two hours a day to work; So now we are on bedrest, but can work from home. So that's good, we like working and don't want to be bored out of our mind. I don't do well with boredom. Neither does your dad. One time the electricity went out and we stayed up for hours playing shadow puppets with our flashlights. I digress.

Monkey we finished your room pretty much! We are very excited and created it just for you! We think you will like your room and will be such a busy body once you get big enough to appreciate it and all the fun toys we have for you.

We also started working on your baby book- I think that's really important. Since I was adopted I didn't have a baby book or any pictures of me when I was a baby so I hope as you get older and go through life, you will cherish these videos I make, blogs I wrote, and books I'm creating for you.

Your dad he's very excited. I think he has mixed feelings about you now. I know he can't wait for you to get here but I think he's anticipating how much it will change his life and priorities. I feel similar. I just really wish I could see you- and then stick you back in the oven till your done. I want to know who you look like--don't worry both of your parents are foxes, but I think you may look more like your dad since his genes are strong.

Other than that baby- I am just really enjoying these last days. We are going this weekend on our baby moon, how sweet is that? You aren't having a good day today, you seem uncomfortable and your making me nausea again. I can't eat as much, and just don't have an apetite anyway. The nurse says it's 'Almost showtime'. We'll see. Hopefully if you can just stay put- I have a baby shower at work Monday, and your dad is in a wedding next saturday (and of course the baby moon trip this weekend) It would be appreciated actually if you didn't try to come until your due date or possibly a few days before if you HAVE to come before.

Well I need to finish packing, I hate to blame you for my procastination but you've really made me sit here for an hour on facebook eating frozen non alcholoic strawberry daquiri mix out of the blender with a spoon...

Now I understand

Dear Monkey--

Now I understand-

Why pregancy really is sucky towards to the end! I thought women were just being overexxagerate in that your last month would be 'miserable'. I mean surely it wouldn't be the greatest, but misery?

Ahh..it is true. I am 2 days away from 35 weeks with you, and the last 2 weeks or so have been horrid. Now I know they are not all your complete fault, and I don't want you to think that, but you have played a large role. Because you are getting so big and they room is running out of tummy for you (I don't care WHAT my Dr. says, you have no room in there!) Your more figdety and it's very uncomfortable when you move now. You also have pointy elbows and knees and drag them across my belly and that hurts too. Your dad is satisfied in that- since I have bony knees and elbows and always nash them into him when he annoys me.

You are probably 4-5 pounds right now and LONG! You appear to be very healthy and that's what I'll keep praying for you. You have a schedule now- your up in the morning with me when I first wake up. And then as I get ready for work and drive to work, you go back to sleep. Around 11-12 pm you are awake and wanting to party. After that your back to sleep. At 2-3 pm Your back up and wanting to play catch the umbilical cord. Then you go back to sleep. On the drive home and pretty much the rest of the night you want to dance it away. That's cool with me.

I think about you a lot now. I wonder majorly what you look like. Since your dad and I are two different cultures I'm wondering what physical traits you will pick up from both of us. I really wanted to get another ultrasound done, but Dad doesn't want to waste the money (Hope your not a tightwad like him!). I really want to see you again, but we'll meet in about 5 weeks so I guess there's no point.

I have really bad heartburn, if I don't keep up with my zantac twice daily, I can breathe fire. That's not good. Sometimes I get it after I drink milk! Also--you keep me--how should I say, very regular? LOL. I have never had to use the bathroom as much as I do in this third trimester.That's good though, I heard many women have the opposite!We are dealing with braxton hicks on a daily basis. Sometimes they are worse than others. I had one while writing this and it was painful! I wonder how you feel in there being squeezed for seconds.

Sleeping is becoming a task that I can do sometimes now. Some nights between the heartburn and getting comfy with you it's really hard. I'll be comfy and then you'll decide to move those bony legs and kick me. Sometimes no matter where I move in the bed you kick me. That's when I get try to rub you or hum to calm you down. It doesn't work. For the most part Adrian- your room is almost done, just need some finishing touches. Your dad has worked really hard getting it done! I think you will like it. Especially once we put your flat screen TV in. Hey- I need to watch law and order SVU while feeding you.

Lastly, your furry siblings know your coming. Amia our dog, is in denial. She tries to ignore you most times, and if we leave the door open to your room she will go get a toy monkey in it and try to undress it. We are unsure of her motives. Romy, the cat, well she enjoys you--but don't be upset if she doesn't pay you much attention. She rarely pays us attention.

Well other than that- I'm ready to have you. So you can come whenever you'd like. If you feel as 'uncomfortable' as I feel then go ahead and push that exit button. So we can get this party started. Love Mom and...

D-Day is looming!!

Yes it is!!! Yesterday, I spoke to my step mom on the phone. She asked 'Now what day in June is the baby due again?' I answered nonchalantly 'June 12th' without even thinking since I get this question just about once a day. And she said calmly 'Oh- 2 months away to the day' and I said 'Hm- quite.'(in my fancy conversation voice)

BUT THEN IN MY MIND I SAID 'GJDSGHJSKHGFJHGJKFHGKLSHGK!!!!!!!!!!!'

Because I realized...I only have 2 month's to get myself mentally prepared (I know I thought I've been doing that too) And this is so awful...but someone please explain to me why we have the room...taped. And that's it. No furniture, no crib, no paint, and not even cleaned! It's just taped up from where my husband taped it to prepare for paint. Our goal was to have the room completed and our bags packed by the end of this month, because technically he could come at the end of next month!

We are finally going to do that today, go buy some furniture at Ikea. I'm excited because I love Ikea and we've done a large part of house in Ikea so we know what to expect.

We've also been going to our classes, we took an all day stick it out, Delivery class last Saturday. This past Tuesday we took a class on caring your new baby after delivery. Both classes were great for both me and hubby! We learned what really to expect and it made us feel for more prepared.

I know people rag on first time parents who do go to all the fun classes before the baby- but honestly between  me and you- I think people who try to tell you 'it won't help' and 'well people have babies do fine without it' and 'waste of time' - I think most of them wanted to go but didn't for various reasons. So I think they try to downplay how helpful they really are to first time parents!

We have one more class, a breastfeeding class on Thursday that I'm really excited about, because I have this insatiable desire to breastfeed!

Besides this- I am 31 weeks going into my 32nd week and baby Carter is getting so big! I'm trying really hard to eat healthy for him (or make healthier choices) for him. And my boss is making me walk every Friday (which is good for me too). I have such an active lifestyle- I just know baby Carter will be here before I know it! And my life will forever change...and I'm not sure how I feel about that! I need to seriously get it together! Everything!!

Ciao

The frustration of marriage part I

Typically- I never write anything that is potentially harmful to others or people I love around me. But oh well- because this is my blog and I can use to cope and vent with whatever I want. I used to write every single little thing in my Xanga blog. I had several posts a week, following whatever I was going through. And for some reason, I got to Blogger and became 'uppity' about the whole blogging expeierence. Only blogging material that would gaurantee postive views. But life isn't always positive! And I digress--

The frustration of marriage. My lucky duck husband (or am I just the unlucky person) went on a cruise as a videographer for a friend's wedding. I don't know if it's the tiredness in the fun and work that he's high strung on, or what. But all I know is that he's got this attitude. And it's making me very irritable! Now I'm aware because of 'situation' (and my situation I mean pregnancy) that I'm going to be blowing up most things to the Nth degree. But we've gotten into some pretty silly arguments because we can't agree on something. And even when I volunteer to have a solution or compromise, I just feel like he's defiant into listening into anything I'm gonna say.

For instance- my husband will be working from home. This is good because when the baby comes home, we may not have to shell out bucks for daycare or nanny (only on those occasions where he must be out). And I told my neat-freak husband (who recieves his carnal hunger for dusting every day from his latino genes) that he simply won't have time to keep this house spic and span as he likes. He tells me "Yes, I can." Now anyone who has a newborn knows keenly that its hard enough keeping up with a newborn, on top working daily, going to school, and keeping the house clean and laundry done. I am NOT expecting him to keep up with all this. Now with my job now- I work more than 40 hours a week easily, and the last thing I want to do is come home and clean a house. I HATE CLEANING. No you don't understand. I LOATHE IT.

So I have this brilliant idea of instead of floundering our money on senseless things like eating out so much, let's pay for the maid service at least monthly, maybe bi weekly. He say's no. It's times like this why I wonder why he wants me to go into pre-term labor over something so silly. He says to me "I will just have to learn to do it myself".

The key things wrong this statement: 'do it myself' and 'will just have to'. This breaks down in my mind as I can take care of it, no matter how hard and difficult it is, this is my manly statement I must say to prove myself. Now of course the non pregnant me would start running around and cleaning the house and breaking my back to make him feel guilty about it, but the pregnant me is just going to blog about it.

I'm too tired and almost 8 months into my pregnancy. Honestly- if he wants to be this difficult about it. So be it- It is known, that I'm working hard at my job, and most days I don't get home until 6:30-7. I clock in 10-12 hours a day and the LAST thing I'm concerned about is dusting. Sorry. Not going to happen during the week. Well the weekend- it may happen then- but don't count on it every weekend, Saturday is my only day free. I like to roll around in bed and eat food while watching SUV- NOT dusting and vacuuming.

Anywho my solution: I'm not going to say anything else. I'm going to clean when I'm able to. And I'm not going to complain about the house (I never do.) Now if he says the house is 'unclean'- and I don't want to deal with it, I'm not! I won't argue- I'll just listen and then go about my business!

Well that felt good...Ciao.

Dear Mr. Carter

Hello my little growing bean of a baby. I can't believe we are 28 weeks! I can't believe your really going to happen in like...a few months!! Wow, your going to be here...living and breathing..and pooping and peeing...and walking and talking...and driving and graduating...*sigh and tear*

I just can't believe how far we've come. You have changed my life around so much already. I spend most of my day thinking about you. Wondering things that are probably ridiculous, like if your bored in there, if your cramped, if you have enough to eat or craving something. You are always moving, but whenever I try to catch it on video you stop. And that's just mean.

I can now tell your head and booty versus your hands and feet now. You only kick me on the sides, so I know your cramped a bit already (sorry), and your tickle me with your fingers. And you are always switching your booty from side to side-- I like to think your dancing. Sometimes you stretch and it feels like my belly is going to rip apart! You finally made my belly button pop out (thanks--now everyone is going to be pointing it out) I thought we made a good deal about me putting lotion on my belly and rubbing you, then you wouldn't make my belly button stick out. You didn't hold out your side of the deal.

Some of things you make me eat often lately:

• Kool aid- Not sure if it's because you naturally are part black so you will like this??
• Lemonade- The tartness is really good to me
• Baked potato- You really like it with cheese and sour cream all over it...
• Salt and Vinegar chips- This is an oldie but goodie
• Tuna subs- I still eat these once a week! 
• Jalopenos- Suddenly I'm back to wanting really hot things...even though it give me pretty bad heartburn...
• Fruit Loops (with marshmallows)-  I eat this every morning, as you ask for it.

Some of things you make me feel lately:

• My back hurts- All the time. 
• Sleepy- I try my best to get my work done at home, but by the time I get in the door I'm yawning. And no matter how much I sleep when I get to work in the morning, I'm still not awake. 
• Heartburn- Especially after fried foods and hot stuff...you make me eat it, but you give me a hard time afterwards! I do pretty good at taking my Zantac daily and also drink some milk (which I still adore, especially at night before bed...ahhh can't wait to get a glass tonight)

We took you back home (in utero, of course) to meet your family and friends at your baby shower. You were very excited, I guess since I was excited and you were feeding off my energy. You were moving around the whole time and kicking me in all sorts of uncomfortable places. Well, we got lots of gifts for you and you are very loved already.  Everyone was so suprised to see that I wasn't 100 pounds heavier or something. The doctor told me I had gained 20 pounds so far! Your making my tummy quite big, but I don't want to complain! I love seeing how my body is changing and unselfishly contouring itself and providing you with everything you need! I'm not even thinking about it, my body just does it! AMAZING!

Here is a nice picture of your 'parents'. Still feels wierd to say this. But you can keep this forever. Show your friends, they aren't gonna believe how hot we were back then! I really think your gonna have my nose but look like your dad. His genes are really strong!

I can't wait to meet you sir! We still have to organize your room and finish it, and then get our maternity pictures AND take our classes! Then it's time for you, I'm ready whenever you are Adrian. You wanna come earliar, that's fine with me! My job is going to be walking every friday a few miles so that should help you get ready to come out!

Your dad, man your gonna love him to death. He's such a great person. He's been reading about you now, and he loves to touch you and rub you. You know his touch now, and you ripple under his hand and bop along his arm if he's laying near you. He's very excited to meet you, and I think he's amazed that he made you.

I am too, I feel like we really know each other. We share a body, but we really know eachother! Every morning when I wake up, I go to feel for you. It seems like you wake up to, and start stretching. I love it! This last second trimester and third trimester seem to be really good for us. Doctor says we are very healthy, incredibly low risk and right on target. I just thank God we are so blessed. So keep growing little man, I know things will get cramped now, but you have to keep growing and getting stronger! I'll be seeing you soon...

Crap.

So...here I am...about to start into my 28th week. Which means, I'm claiming it. I'm entering the third and last trimester. Ugh. So this means this baby is coming for real, right? Like in June, it's gonna come sliding out [somehow...still unknown how it expects to exit]. How do I feel you say? Really really...UNPREPARED! We have put off pretty much everything for the third trimester...and now that it's here, well it's time to get busy.

The rest of March is busy for us so we are only going to try and take down the guest room furniture to make room for babies new stuff! I'm excited to do that, but honestly I think hubby is not. I'm gonna use my psych graduate degree here and say that I really believe he's dreading doing the baby's room. Now, I have asked him this and he has denied it, but honestly- between me and you [the rest of the world] I think by starting the baby's room it makes things more real. You know what I mean? Like crap. I have to really do this, have a baby, and begin this journey...like for real. Or that maybe having the room done in the next few weeks scares him because the baby isn't guaranteed to get here safely? I don't know, I sort of feel that way, but I am wayyy more excited about doing the baby's room!

Anywho in April we will start painting the baby room. And hopefully if we are blessed to get majority of the major furniture we need we can finish it up by May. That's the goal! I have so many cute things picked out for monkey, I'll have to post pictures here when I finish!

In April we also have our maternity pictures, which is exciting. I'm doing a motherly/glam look. I got this idea from Heidi Klum's maternity pictures.

I like how they play on color, the contrast of dark, glam, and sexy. And then how they use the soft bright light, and flowy look to make her seem more 'motherly'. I love it! I've already purchased some clothes I think would look fabulous for mines such as:

 These 2 pieces from Forever 21. The dress color is really pretty against my skintone [a deep red] and because I'm only 5'2, it's longer on and more fitting on me than this 6'9 model. I also looked at this pretty lace see through top which is really flowy and heavenly looking. I didn't purchase the top because I wanted to make sure I could still fit it in 2 weeks! I also wanted to do some casual looks like the typical jeans and white top, and stuff. It's all exciting though!

The only thing is what to do with my hair?? I think I will roller set it, and then when I do the dramatic look, I can wear a updo and take it down for the motherly ones. I'm getting my make up done [yes it's that serious!] by MAC. I love them! Plus they made me look great all during my wedding.

Then in April we are taking all of our baby classes, baby ish 101, how to breastfeed, daddy and baby, etc. I'm excited because that just means it's almost time!! Lastly we just want to have the baby's room, our classes, pictures, and baby/labor bag packed by the first week in May. I'll be full term towards the end of May, so that's our timeline.

It's all so exciting and so scary at the same time. I'm worried about alot of things like taking care of a baby, and going back to work so soon after the baby is born [6 weeks] which is a whole nother post in itself. But for now I'm gonna go and eat some pizza from last night, and watch my baby dance around in my belly [I probably spend a lot of time during the day just watching my stomach move] :)

Ciao.

Crazy Cravings!

Ok, I've had people ask me about what I was craving since...the peed dried on the stick. And during my entire first trimester people asked, but I could only respond with a sarcastic or montone "When I'm not throwing up...I just don't want to eat." Because I felt awful that second half the of first trimester. BUT NOW! Now...is a different story!

Here are some of things I have been adamant on eating, asked my husband to get me, killed myself to get them at any means--

• Tuna subs from subway
• Sonic chili dog with onions, mustard and cheese
• Pickles spears
• Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fruit Loops
• Ice cream/ milk
• Taco Bell
• TGIF Buffalo mozzarella sticks
• Drinks. Just about any fruit punch drink, and ignorantly super sized.

I mean I have been eating so much food I can't believe I'm not a size 18 and that I don't have severe diabetes yet. I try not to eat so much, or try to eat more healthy. But let's face it. I tried to 'snack' on a box of raisins or handful of trail mix. That does ABSOLUTELY nothing.  If anything it just makes me angrier and want to drive to Sonics and get a 44 size strawberry limeade!

If anything though, pregnancy is overall treating me much better. I really enjoy watching little monkey dance in my belly. He's so smart that he will move where ever I put my hand. He follows it. Amazing. I know everyone thinks their child is the smartest, and I have already given the title to my child in utero. I love seeing my belly button move around like it's talking, it makes me laugh. I tell him to knock it off, so goofy like his dad.


Things I'm not liking now....

• Back and groin pain 
• Easily indigested 
• Face acne that reminds of me of being 13 all over again!

But other than that, I have been just dandy. And belly is growing so beautifully! It is stretch mark free so far and perfectly round!  My belly button has popped and it's just completely flat now. Speaking of belly button, my husband is laughing because the baby is once again making my baby belly button talk...ahh.

Ciao.

My First Pregnancy Crack Up...VALENTINES DAY GIVE AWAY!!

So it happened. I cracked.

Everyone told me it would. And I told them

"My hormones do not control my emotions! I do!."
"I'm a therapist, I can control my stressful environment."
"Blah, blah, blah"

Well we went out of town last weekend, and in anticipation of visiting Dallas, Texas I made a little itinerary for myself! On Friday, I was going to get up early and fax some important information back home, then head to the Forever 21 (that TOTALLY carries their new maternity line!). We were then going to end the glorious day by all getting together and eating CRAB LEGS!!! I was ecstatic about it.

This is what really happened.

I didn't get the stuff faxed, the forever 21 had ONE pair of pants and we didn't get ANY CRAB LEGS!!! WTF! I was irate. I was mad at the world, and unfortunately for my hubby, he was caught up in the wrath. I just kept going on and on about how if my hubby would have been there from the start of my bad day, things would have been better. In my mind logically, had he went along cheerfully with me to do earliar errands, the fax machine would have worked, forever 21 would have had a slew of maternity clothes to choose from, and the crab legs could have been enjoyed.

My hubby purely confused and frustrated just sits in silence. This makes me even angrier. How dare he sit there in silence as I chew him a new one. He makes a small comment and I just blew my lid, I shouted at him:

"You know this is all because my stupid socks don't fit!" 

"What??" 

His face is frozen in horror as now he realizes he doesn't know what is going on.

"My socks...the ones with the red hearts...my toes made holes in them!"

"Babe, we can buy you some new socks..."

He says chuckling in fear.

"I'LL NEVER HAVE PRETTY SOCKS NOW!!!"

I scream. Tears engulfing my face.

Knowing how ridiculous I sound I cry even harder and then tell my silently watching husband

"SHUT UP!!!!"

I look at his face...and he has the most horrific face ever!! He's in between pure grippling fear...and wanting to laugh so hard. His eyes wide open (which is crazy because his eyes barely open!) and his mouth in an 'O' shape...not sure what to do next.

The next few minutes are silent. Then finally we both end up laughing hard. I knew I sounded like I just escaped from a mental facility.

Needless to say...we stopped at Wal mart and he bought me some 'pretty socks' and then we drove home. Vowing to NOT say anything about that dreaded night until now...


ON TO THE GIVE AWAY!!

My wonderful hubby (I can't believe I'm still married!) is having a contest on facebook for his fan page. No need to be friends to participate, just click the link below to his fan page!

He is giving away a $20.00 gift-card to the restaurant of your choice, to be mailed out by Valentines Day. All you need to do is A.) Become of fan of the page (hit the like it button!) and then suggest your friends to page. When they become fans (like it) have them post on the wall that you referred them! The person with the most referrals by next Wednesday wins!! SIMPLE!! 


Here is the link and more instructions!

J Cal Media Facebook Fan Page


3 Steps: 

Step 1: Like it if you haven't already!

Step 2: Suggest to your friends or share the link on your page!
 

Step 3: Make sure your new referrals post on the wall that you referred them!! And get ready to pick your gift-card!!

So get going, it's a recession and plenty of people should want a free and easy gift-card towards valentines day dinner! Here is the link again:

J Cal Media Facebook Fan Page


Have any questions? Leave them below, and thanks for your support! 

Dear Monkey

This is our first written interaction! I feel like since I've been talking and feeling you so much I should also write you. This way we can keep this forever, and when your old enough, we can all look back on this.

First of all, even though you were planned, I was not ready for the crazy wild ride of emotions and feelings that would come along with you. I was so eager and happy to have you for the first few weeks, and then once morning sickness hit I was not as excited because I couldn't take my mind of the 24/7 nausea you made me have. That's ok, because I will pay you back so bad, you wait until your dad starts singing, freestyling and dressing you. You will be so mad.

Any who, now that I'm going in my 19th week (yay!!) things have been more exciting for me and I'm getting so eager to meet you! My belly is growing big so you must be growing too, and I feel you move every day (your moving A LOT right now!!). Yesterday you kicked me hard while watching a movie. You probably didn't like it, I didn't either.

We recently found out you were a boy! We had an elective ultrasound at a near by ultrasound clinic. It was truly breath taking. You have grown from the last ultrasound at 11 weeks and you were moving sooo much!! Your dad and I couldn't believe how much you were climbing, kicking, and being a contortionist. (I have the video, and pretty much watch you every day!!) Not only that, but when we announced you were a boy, your dad just sort of stared at the screen with his mouth open in awe. I think it finally hit him...that you were made from him! I wish I could have a picture to show you Monkey, but it made me tear me up.

The ultrasound was worth every penny, we learned so much about you, like-

• You have my limbs! Your arms, legs and fingers are very long! Your toes are even really long like mines!! Like REALLY LONG! You shocked the ultrasound tech, but that's ok I still shock people with my big feet. At least your a boy, it's ok.

• You got the good stuff from both of us! You appear to have your dad's nose and his lips. But you have my wide and bright eyes. That's good because your dad has very tiny eyes, hehehe!

• That your a boy!! This shocked me, cause Monkey, I thought you were a girl. And I was totally mentally prepared for a girl. A boy?? I don't even know where to start, I guess I can get you some 'boy' stuff. This means we won't be able to play barbies and I'll have to buy creepy crawlers and tonka trucks. :-(

Anywho, I am ALWAYS thinking about you now. What your doing in there, how your feeling, in all our ultrasounds your always smiling or laughing. I think your gonna be a goofball like your dad and I. We clown ALL the time. I can't wait until you meet us, and constantly wonder who you are going to be more like!! Your mom is a therapist and your dad is a graphic designer so hopefully you'll be very creative and caring.

I just can't wait to meet you lil monkey, I am so completely in love with you and I haven't even met you yet. How is this possible? Your dad is in love with you too, he likes to rub you and talk to you about which rappers you should not listen to, and about important experiences in life you'll share together like drinking beer. That's your dad!

Please keep growing and getting stronger.

We have ALOT of people waiting to meet you once you come out! (I just think you were highly anticipated!)

Love--
Your mommy and....

A dream about boobs

I had a wonderful dream. Hubby and I had the baby! We had brought it home and were starting our lives with our new addition. It all seemed so real. The baby was a boy and he looked very similar to our nephew. He was a bit fair skinned but he was super cute. When I came home immediately I tried to breastfeed it. Breast feeding is something I really really really want to do. I want to feel that bond and closeness (and pain) with my child in knowing that I am naturally equipped to provide my baby with food! That's got to be an awesome feeling.

Anywho, in the dream I came home and started breastfeeding, I was sooo scared because the pain and all the 'what ifs' but to my surprise the baby easily latched on and everything was amazing. So since I'm sure I dreamed about breastfeeding because of anxiety and excitement, I want to know what the Dream Dictionary states about it.

Breastfeeding

To dream that you are breast feeding, symbolizes tenderness, love, nuturance, and motherly love. Good things will be at your grasp

:) just :)

I'm off to church pretty soon. Happy Sunday Blogger.
Ciao.

My 2011 Resolutions (a blogging tradition)

Hope everyone had a fantabulous (what the??) Christmas!!

BUT first I want to mention that I am ON MY WAY 17 WEEKS!!  And guess what? I totally feel pregnant. And look pregnant for the most part. Which is a plus :) I can't believe that I feel the baby move this early too! I can only feel it from the inside (what they call quickening), and not hubby yet. But monkey moves a lot during the day and night, it feels like thumping, slivering and sometimes just bopping along, it's crazy! Sometimes monkey thinks it's a good day to crowd one corner my lower abdomen and it hurts, when I give it pudge, it feels really hard but then monkey moves away and it goes back normal.



Now onto the resolutions...


Well since I'm new to blogger since...about 6 months ago (still newbie status?!) Back on Xanga I had a tradition of every single year posting my previous years resolutions and reflecting on them, and then posting my new years resolutions for the incoming year. I've been doing this since...forever. And the tradition continues again...

Here is 2010's resolutions:
My 2010 Resolutions written on December 17, 2009

Continue my growth with God:
I think this year, God has tested me a little bit, especially in my faith, but I think each time I have preserved and continue to love him and praise him. When we get back home we are finally going to start going to churches, so HOPEFULLY, we can get to a church at least once this year!! Actually I KNOW we will attend at least once this year, it would be ultimately great to find a home church and have a church we enjoy being a part of.

Guess what?? We totally found a home church this year and officially joined in the early fall. I feel that both my relationship and growth with God has been tremendous this year, and although I don't feel I'm where I should be ideally, I feel I have definitely completed this resolution!

Stay in shape:
Although, I have put a good 5-10 pds this year, everyone swears it's a healthy looking thickness for me, and since I've stopped my BC I haven't really lost much of it so I'm thinking it's here to stay. I just want to get in shape though, lose what little belly fat I have, and also feel energized and eat healthy. With my hectic schedule coming up this year, I'll need to def. have the strength to not lose my mind and/or get obese!!

I had put some weight during 2010, I was the biggest I've ever been, 125 pds.I know that's not a lot to most people, but I've always struggled with keeping weight on for years so it was nice to be up to 125(I usually stayed at 105-110)! Hubby and I did P90X in the spring and that helped us out a ton. And now that I'm pregnant....it doesn't matter :)


Travel a bit:
I def. want year 2010 to be a great exp for traveling different places, if God willing, go to Vegas, Mexico, Texas, a cruise, and skiing/staying in a cabin!! That's a lot of things, but I plan on being active this year...because who knows what 2011 may bring!

This year we went to Vegas, Mexico, Texas (twice!!), Florida, back to Ohio, and that was enough for one year!! I had so much fun this year! I still want to go on a cruise and stay in a cabin but it might not happen this year.


Finish school finally!:
Finally, finish my internship as non complicated as possible, if all goes well, I will finish either in Fall quarter or in Winter quarter either way I SHOULD graduate before 2011! So I'm looking forward to doing well in my intern, although I'm nervous about it...It should be a good experiences regardless.

Well I finished!! I graduted September 11, 2010!! Hallelujah! My experience in internship was sooo amazing,even with some of the trials I went through.

Joshua and Me:
We have done so good together and I feel like marriage is great so far and that I find new reasons to fall in love with him all over again. I'm so blessed to be married to someone who loves me for who I am and supports me for anything. I'm just so happy with him and I only see better things coming from us together....including...HAVING A BABY! Since I've been so baby on the brain for almost a year and half now, I think we sort of know it's going to happen sooner than we think. Most likely trying towards the end of next year...so we'll see!! I'm super excited! Such great new experiences!

Well obviously...the main goal here was achieved :)


My 2011 Resolutions 
These are going to short and sweet this year  (This is the shortest list I've ever had!!)

Maintain steady relationship with God: 
I hate that sometimes I can be super faithful and reading my bible at the crack of dawn every morning, listening to Joyce Meyer radio to and from work, and just being holy all day long! And then the other times, I barely remember to pray once a day to thank God for my blessings. I have learned over the years that my personality tends to go from one end of the spectrum to the other. I decide I'm going to read 100 books, start on first 3 and decide I want to take Art Classes. I'm just a mess. And this story is unrelated, I digress.  Basically I need to learn this year how to maintain a STEADY relationship with God.


Balance being a mother and wife:
The last few months just being pregnant has really overshadowed my identity and role with my husband and everyone else around me. Everything is BABY, BABY, BABY.On my facebook it's all baby status and baby updates. I can't help it, I'm very excited and looking forward to everything in my new phase of life. But I do know I've also been neglecting Josh as a husband (let's keep it G-Rated people :) because all I want to talk about is baby stuff and not about us anymore. I think it's important for me to learn the balance.


How did you learn to balance wife role and mother role with your first child? And also how when did you feel quickening of your baby? What about a real first kick??

I want to make sure any readers and passerbyers may leave me a comment if you like. I've left the comments open, you can remain anonymous, just let me know your response, HELP ME OUT :)

Happy New Year Folks, and See ya in 2011!
Ciao.

Why I love my Husband Reasons #256-258

Now I know most married women love their husband, and I'm sure that's the case in MOST relationships, but I don't just love my husband for mundane things like: He has yet to leave me because I'm incredibly lazy. But more importantly because of the little random things over the years that have slowly tugged on my heart strings and made me love him even more.

#256: He taught me that peanut butter jelly sandwiches are not made with knifes. 

I KNOW RIGHT!! This will blow your mind. First of all, if your wondering about why I have a dancing banana then google it. Second of all...YES, the knife is not the ideal utensil for peanut butter jelly sandwiches.

When I first started dating my husband (and I mean the first few months) I was over his house and he offered me a snack. So we agree on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and proceed to the kitchen to gather our utensils. We began making it...and I like many taught americans grab the knife. He stops me..."What are you doing?"...I look at him holding a spoon...and bust out laughing. WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!! And he said "Use a spoon, it's so much easier to get out and spread" And of course I tried to fight this logic because EVERYONE IS TAUGHT FIRST YOU GET THE KNIFE, AND YOU SPREAD IT, YOU SPREAD IT (singing the song). No one ever says first you get the spoon?!

Anywho long story short...I realized...that he was right. And I found him so attractive because he was so logically different. And till this day when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I always grab a spoon and think about it. <3

#257 He predicted our relationship wayyyy before I ever FATHOMED it.

 My husband has this wierd way of predicting things and doing the whole "I told you so" thing later because I never listen. Well before we started dating, we used to chat on AOL Instant Messenger, remember that? I saved our chats (lame) but here is what was said about 7 or 8 years ago.

JCIZZLE1605: im ur friend and im trying to be better friends wit u because i think ur a special person
JCIZZLE1605: like real coo
nIyAsTaRz04: but my personal opionon,
JCIZZLE1605: wuts ur opinion
nIyAsTaRz04: that i dont think it was supposed to happen with us, otherwise it would have
nIyAsTaRz04: but i think we make a great team of friends
JCIZZLE1605: i never say never becuase i think anythings possible
JCIZZLE1605: and everything has a chance
nIyAsTaRz04: i always liked talking to you
nIyAsTaRz04: we always had good talks
JCIZZLE1605: i know!!!!!!!
JCIZZLE1605: u the one watch 32years form now were gonna be married
JCIZZLE1605: watch
JCIZZLE1605: =-O
nIyAsTaRz04: lol
nIyAsTaRz04: that's NEVER gonna happen
nIyAsTaRz04: im going to bed
JCIZZLE1605: damn 

Ok so I was mean to him early on, but he was persistent! And this was when we were still in high school, so we couldn't spell or had LAME screen names. Anywho, so clearly he jedi mind tricked me into dating him soon after that, and then into being his wife and NOW into having his baby!! And I love him for that <3 

#258 He's an innovator. 

I have been telling my husband for years...to do what you love for a career. He's talented beyond words in music, graphics, videos, and pretty much anything he wants to be. But I have always seen his talent and love for those things, and I try to push him to put himself out there and do what his heart really desires. I'm his biggest fan, even though I could do more to show it at times, I have seen him from the first graphic ever...to the video he's making right now about our baby! He's amazing and creative it just makes me sick!! So I decided to post his website in hopes that if anyone wants to see just how talented and completey understand and appreciate reason #258 FULLY, to visit the link below:

CLICK HERE FOOLS!

Happy Holidays and Ciao!!

 

To relax or not to relax...

So...since I have been pregnant, I have NOT treated my hair with a relaxer. Actually I have not even taken care of my hair since I've been pregnant. I would say I'm about 19 weeks post in my relaxer. This means, that I haven't had a relaxer (chemical straightner) for 19 weeks. On average most African Americans who relax get one between 4-6 weeks. Some less, some more. My hair has never been this long without chemical. And it shows. I recently took down a sew in I had last month, and having to talk to my hair again was a challenge! Such a challenge, that I debated about getting a relaxer again, and just going back to the way things were (my hair was actually the best health and length before I got pregnant). OR...since we are broke anyway just to continue with the transitioning from relaxed to natural hair.

My husband supports my natural journey, surpsingly. Although he, at first has unrealistic expectations of what real 'natural' hair looks like for many african americans. I showed him a cluster of photos of what he'd like my natural hair to look like...he chose this:

Now, this is really cute, and if my natural hair was this loose and wavy I'd be sooo on he gravy train for natural hair. But I told him the reality is if I'm lucky and learn how to style my natural hair...it would look like this:

He said that was fine too, as long as it wasn't an afro like this:

 

This make me laugh, cause he doesn't realize that most afro's are just blown out hair of the above ladies. 

Anywho, so this is my debate...right now, I made the big mistake of blow drying my hair...because it's just huge and non-manageable. I can't even get a comb through my new growth (which is the new growth of my hair that isn't chemically relaxed). And dealing with the two different textures is beyond frustrating. But I guess I'll keep trucking,  maybe getting some braids or something in the mean time. I'm also wondering at what point will I do the "Big Chop" if I choose to. The big chop is basically a term that women who are transitioning decide once they have enough new growth, they permanently cut off their previous relaxed hair. This is usually how this looks:

This...is not something I am mentally prepared to do yet. When women "BC" it's an empowering mental strength required! This is because you are taking down your coat of who you are or what you hide behind, or what has been your identity for years...and showing the real 'you'. It's scary and I'm not quite ready yet. I still think about what people will think of me, will they laugh? I still worry about what my hubby will really think, will he find me unattractive? And I very much get scared of how I will think of myself, will I regret it?

I'm just not ready. But I know I'm ready to transition to natural, and continue this crazy journey...lesson #1...don't blow dry your hair.

Ciao.

Hellooo Second Trimester!

I can't believe it. Literally. I can't believe I'm still pregnant at times! Like...in June...this baby will have to come out (somehow...) and then I'll live with her for all my life...and she'll make decisions, go to college, fall in love, and make babies of her own one day. It boggles my mind more and more...

Things have changed...quite drastically. I feel well...different. NO ONE TELLS YOU about some of the craziness that comes with pregnancy. NO ONE!! First of all...without sounding too whiny, I would have liked to known that:

• Suddenly I would get these awful gut wrenching headaches EVERY TIME I stand up for about several seconds. 
• That my body is running shop like it knows what it's doing! My pelvis is so sore, I'm not sure what's going on down there but it hurts and it's so uncomfortable especially at night.
• I would burp and fart like a teenage boy. And ALL THE TIME!

Anyhow--

I'm eating all the time and it's awesome. A little two awesome because I weighed 113 pds about 2 weeks ago, and today I weigh 116. That's about a pound and half per week. And supposedly you gain about 25-35 pounds during pregnancy, but I weighed 125 pre pregnancy and lost weight during the first trimester (about 13 pounds). So I'm not sure if I should be 140 or 150 pounds? The weight I'm gaining now is only in my stomach...which I feel like I'm showing already.

I still haven't purchased anything...but we aren't the position to really buy any unnecessary pregnancy things right now I suppose. If things were different I'm sure I would have blown lots of money on stupid stuff. The one thing I kinda really want is a pregnancy pillow. I have such a hard time getting comfy. Especially since I have hubby on one side (laying crooked, or in the center) then have my cat on side and my dog on the other side...it's too much sometimes.

I think I should buy monkey something...something to make it more real you know? Like a little pair of socks or something? Hehehe, I guess after we find out boy/girl (girl!).

Allright
I'm off now...
Ciao.