Balancing Act

Can I balance two blogs at once? I'm not sure. I guess we will find out. I'm trying to find more time to write in these things more. I remember back in xanga days I would write entry's often, at least 2 or 3x a week. I'd imagine that since my life was less hectic in college with less responsibility, that would be the culprit.

The magic balancing act continues between mommy, wife and worker. I'm constantly trying to share myself, spread myself, interchange my hats. It gets so hard though. And I find that most of my evenings, I don't want to do anything. Not wash dishes, type notes, or even watch tv. I just want to spend time with my son. Time with my husband. And time with myself.

I have really tried to regain time with myself. Now that Adrian is one, I think it's become easier. He's in bed by 8 pm every night which gives me time to clean up whatever area needs the most attention, prepare for tomorrow, and spend time with God.

I really think that I need to give up doing work in the evenings. My job is so demanding it requires extra time out of work to stay current. But I haven't done any work related things in the evenings for the last two weeks and I think I like it better. It just means I have to be more disciplined during the day or at the office to get my things done. As far as cleaning, we created a cool cleaning list a few months ago. It breaks down daily tasks from sunday to sunday. We started strong with it, but alas, it has already been forgotten.

I know we have to do better with keep our home cleaner. It seems with a one year old it's almost impossible. However, we need to do better. I think I'm going to try that 10 minute tidy trick. I hear it can be very successful. You just spend ten minutes at the end of the day cleaning. That's it. Nothing more and nothing less.

It also doesn't help that I just spent like 10 minutes writing this blog. Eh...progress?

Ciao.

Why is it so hard?

For me to blog? I look back at some of my Xanga blogs. I was the blogging queen. I love to reread my crazy college stories and my ups and downs with my then boyfriend (no hubby). I love seeing how things turned out and reflecting about my life (narcissistic, right?). Today I was reading another blogger's pregnancy blog...which of course in turn, caused me to reread my own pregnancy journals. I smiled as I remembered some of those same feelings/thoughts during my pregnancy that I'm reliving as I read hers. It makes me realize...I miss blogging. I miss expressing myself and journaling my journey.

My life is so different now. Not in a bad way either, just different then what I imagined it to be. I'm sure many people feel that way. You plan and work to getting to one point, and then sometimes you end up in a different area. But you like it. And the more you learn about yourself and the new place your in, the more you begin understanding yourself and what your real priorities are.

For instance all through high school and college. I wanted to be a super business woman. I wanted to have my own business and work ridiculous ungodly hours and make big bucks. I did not want a family. I have a really strong work ethic (both my husband and I do) and I strive for great work results, even if it kills me. Having a family just didn't fit into that way of life. But low and behold. I had decided with an overwhelming sensation that I wanted to start a baby. I fought it for a while, then gave in to it. Then my husband fought it for awhile, then fought me for a while. Then we both jumped. My--how has my life changed. I'm much happier as a mother. I can't wait to do it again! I love being a parent and a wife. I receive more pleasure in balancing a rewarding career (still working on that...) and life at home.

I know this is alot to swallow, and you could be thinking, dang this is way to deep for your first blog in months. Or you may be wondering, what are you talking about?? Eh. Bottom line. I need to blog more.

Ciao.

But God do I have to??

I had a revelation during my LPC supervision last night of what God may be telling me to do career-wise. It's an idea that literally other people have talked to me about and no matter what I cannot get away from the idea. I mean I really REALLY thought this idea...was not me. But since I've realized that...this may be what God wants me to do, I've been trying to be more obedient and start taking steps to pursue this new idea. It's just so crazy when God tells you to do something...and you really question it, especially if it's something you don't want to do.

But how will I know whether this new idea is God's will or my desire?? This was my question today. I asked my manager at work whose husband is a preacher, my step-mother and my pastora at church. Here is some of the information I recieved:

• A confirmation will be made, in more than one way.
• The thought/idea will be reoccuring.
• You will have a peace about the new idea.
• Things will fall into place and God will provide other desires.
• You can do a fast to ask God to reveal more to you.

All of these things are what I've been told about this particular thought. I've decided that I'm going to take this new idea slowly. So before I jump out of the window, like I'd typically do....I'm going to take it slow. Gather information about this idea. Get educated about this idea. Talk to experienced other's. And lastly pray and ask God to reveal more.

So excited.

Such a long hiatus...

Omg this has got to be longest hiatus in the history of ignorantly long hiatuses!! To be honest I was led back to blogging because a friend from high school was asking advice on breastfeeding her newborn. I decided I would go back to this blog and reread my entries of my birthing story and life after Adrian. I became so enthralled in rereading my entries that when I got to the month of October with no more entries I got upset!! How could I leave my loyal readers? Ugh, I tell you, it's because of my short attention span.

Well here is the fast and dirty on me. I still work at my current job. I really like it and I'm pretty good at it. I also took the NCE exam in April and passed!! Woohoo! I'm a licensed counselor in the state of SC! I feel that now that I've taken this test, God is leading me to my next venture. I'm really trying to figure that out too. I also decided to utilize my job's EAP services so I go to counseling now. I'm not crazy or anything (not that people who do go to counseling are) but I do want to talk to someone about the stressors of my job, trying to balance work and home, and also making vital improvements within me and resolving any lingering issues as well. I want to be fully capable and aware of my personal issues before helping others with theirs.

My life as a mommy. Fabulous! I love  love love love being mommy. Of course now, it's exhausting and it's alot to balance. But Adrian has just not started sleeping through the night and things are really started to balance out. I cannot wait to have a little girl next!! I bother my hubby about it all the time and he tells me "Well let's wait Adrian is 2 to talk about it". I am defineitly not trying to rush him into having this baby like I did the first, but my god, I cannot wait to do this again. And what's really getting me is that I feel like this time around...I'll know more and know better about certain things. I really feel that because it was all so new, there were a lot of things I missed because I was so busy freaking out. But next time I really want to cherish the moments I missed out on with my second. Now of course that could be thrown out the window because my next child might be completey different than my first. I know, I know.

So I have alot to say because I really have been holding it all in for the several months, but now that I'm blogging again....I can let it alllll outttt!!! New to my blog? You may want to catch up or began at the beginning if you really want to know me, with www.xanga.com/niyastarz

No lie my dog just farted so silently and deadly right I don't even know how I'm still conscious. Geez.

You missed me right?

Ciao.

Get jealous.

Thursday, 14 September 2006

I'm so blessed...I remember all through high school, I cried every night, watched love movies, read tons of romantic summer books so I could feel like I was in them...and prayed that someone will come to me. And no one ever did. I spent it alone...and wishing someone would love me. And all my friends having boyfriends, going through them like crazy...I couldn't even get one. And now...I think I have waited and saved myself for the greatest gift of all. And since Josh has been in Florida...its weird, but my love is stronger for him. Trust is not even questioned. I trust him to the fullest. I love him for helping me, and loving me for who I am. I'm so blessed, so much that I just want to cry.

That's right. Get jealous. Cause I have a pretty much amazing husband. And this post is just to brag about him. I don't even know where to chronicle where his awesomeness starts...but let me take it back about 8 years to...

Tuesday, 13 July 2004 

Well...I never liked josh, I mean gross... But come on...If I was attracted to him once chances are I'll be again. Yeah well, we just started talking more...and I don't know nature took its course, because I didn't plan on anything, in fact I'm going away to college, I really didn't want to get involved with anything, but it just sorta happened. 

That's where it begins. And it travels through 8 years, 2.5 of them married. I mean like many other couples my husband and I have been through some not so pretty stuff.

Yeah...we went through the high high's of our relationship

Thursday, 31 July 2008

Yes...it finally happened! Josh proposed! I knew this day was coming and it came fast! Well...4 years isn't fast, but hey we are both young!

And the low low's...

Sunday, 04 February 2007

Simply to say...my 3 year relationship with JC, is slowly coming to an end. I'm not feeling it anymore...

My husband has struggled in his past with his own personal issues. I remember when we got together, my husband dropped out of community college to work a full time job. I pretty much help support my husband. I had the money at the time and would spoil us both with whatever we wanted. He always told me "One day I'm going to treat you like you deserve, when I have money". He's always had ambition. ALWAYS. He's always pushing for the next best thing he can get or provide. Well when he started making money...he indeed spoiled me rotten.

Friday, 03 October 2008

Since JC got promoted he's just been rolling in dough, his savings is stacking, and he's wanting to spend alot on us, the wedding, and buying me purses. Hey, it ain't tricking if you got it. We are going to charleston tommorow, just for the heck of it. And also going to eat at anywhere of my choice tonight...hey I could get used to be spoiled finally!

And when the money really started rolling in, he was more thankful to God then ever. I remember us talking at dinner one night and he made a comment that at one point in his life, he had to make ketchup sandwiches, and now he can afford to eat the most expensive steak whenever he wanted. That statement alone made him teary eyed. (of course me too).

My hubby has always supported me all my years of getting myself and career together. He quit a great paying job at a law firm in Cleveland to move to the South with me. He had nothing planned, but didn't want us to endure another long distance relationship while I got my masters. That's a huge commitment and step for a man. While I went to school and got my Master's he was always there cheering me on.

He's always cheering me on period. Encouraging me when I'm doubtful and focusing me when I'm off task. It's just such a blessing to have someone always pushing me whether I like it or not. I say that, because some men are too selfish trying to get themselves to the top that they never consider helping their spouses reach it first, or they get jealous to imagine their spouse at a higher position or better paying salary than them.

Sure we still argue like cats and dogs, but we never have to fight about sports, he enjoys them but doesn't care to much to follow them. I never have to remind him to put the toilet seat down (he came pre-trained) and he NEVER gets jealous or has hidden insecurities that would cause him to not trust me.

He works a full time job, balances a full time business, goes to school full time, and manages to be hubby and daddy at home. Now granted it's not always a perfect balance that I'd prefer, but for what's on his plate he does well. He's a christian god fearing man, and he's wise way beyond his years! He's the only 24 year old I know that makes more than the average American man. And he's talented. With graphics, music, and anything creatively...whatever he touches turns to gold! He will be very well known, wealthy and respected before he departs from this place...

And to top it all he constantly giving me attention as if we just met. After having a baby and enduring the wonderful changes in my body from L & D, he still tells me I'm so beautiful and sexy...even when the mirror tells me differently.

We have the same sense of humor and have about 5,435,894,747,329,478,294 inside jokes and private funnies that we reminisce all the time.

Basically--this post if dedicated to my husband. Because like Drake say " Baby you the effin best".

Found my ring!!!

I am no longer sick with it!! I found my ring. I did do my last resort searching today with the hubster. We did all the things I mentioned in my earliar post. Now--this is why God has a sense of humor.

I knew I had to go through the trash bags outside in our bin. I did not want them to be thrown out tomorrow (our trash day) and my ring would never be recovered. I seriously doubted I'd throw away my ring--but how could I be so sure? So I put some rubber gloves on, and wrapped my mouth/nose in a scarf and headed off to the garage. I went through 2 stinky icky bags of moldy food, and old diapers. *gag*

After the ring was obviously not in either bags, I went inside to check the one last bag of trash in our office. I started going through the shredded paper and old bills/flyers I had thrown away and saw a glint of sparkle. I looked closer, and MY GOD, there was my beautiful meaningful ring in all it's glory. I jumped up and told my husband working on the opposite computer that I found my ring! We were both obviously happy.

I know God has a sense of humor, because I rummaged through old disgusting garbage for 15 minutes...when if I would have just looked through that bag first I would not have had to. Ahh.

Well what's the moral here? What lessons did I learn. I will NEVER take my ring off again once I put it back on. OR I will just continue to wear this plain gold band that I started wearing after I lost the ring to avoid anything happening to it again.


Also-- prayer works!!!

Sick with it...

I am just sick to my stomach. I have horribly lost my wedding ring. I'm devastated. That ring is not just my usual sentiment to my marriage vows, but the diamond is an heirloom from my deceased mother. I'm just purely sick to my stomach.

I last for sure saw my ring last Wednesday evening before I left my office. I remember I took off my earrings, necklace and ring throughout the day. I had all my jewelry on the desk for sure (stupid I know). Before I left my office I packed up all my items and I specifically remember seeing my jewelry and collecting it all in one hand and wanting to toss it in my work bag. But I stopped myself and thought "Well I don't want to lose them or ruin them". So I do remember putting my necklace and my ring back on, and tossing my earrings in my wallet. I then left the office, picked up my child from daycare and went home. That's it. My ring does not slip off my finger so I'm pretty confident I had to take it off. I originally thought that I had taken it off when I gave AC his bath that night. I thought I had placed it on the bathroom sink next to my cell phone that plays Pandora lullaby station while he bathes.But since then my mind is so blurred I can't tell if that really happened or did I fabricate that information in my mind from another evening I bathed him?

I have searched my entire house for the most part. I left the last resort things for today. I'm going to single handedly go through the baby's trash can, and trash took out that night. My hubby is going to pull out all appliances so we look underneath (in case my cat picked it up and swatted it under something). And lastly go through my cat's litter bin to see if she has it there or swallowed it. Which I doubt she swallowed since it would choke her.

I'm just sick with it though. I had my pastors pray over it and they strongly believe I will find it. So does my husband. I have faith it's in my home somewhere. Worst comes to worse...I just don't have it. I don't really care much for another ring. And I'll probably always be upset about it. But I really hope it shows up...this is just one of the worse things to happen....

My growing addiction...

I have learned what my weakness is with AC. Yes, indeed. Although we have so many little cute outfits for him given by EVERYONE (thank you cards still underway *sigh*), I can not get over the fact that every store I head into, if it has a baby section, I'm sold. 

I see it coming...the racks with pinks and blue. The big baby pictures hanging above. The sale and clearance signs looming. And just like that my disorder is switched on, and I began browsing like it's my job in my life. And I try to make myself feel better. "Oh-- just gonna look here, not gonna buy nothing today" I say to AC trying to convince myself. But then I find that pair of dark wash denim he doesn't have. Or some cute long sleeved shirts that surely he will need for the bad winter (I live in the south). Or how about the onsies set from Carter's that he had in newborn...but now needs the same ones in 6-9 months? 

It doesn't stop at clothes. We end up meticulously in the toy aisle. Where I must purchase some 3 month old toys for his development. I WILL NOT be guilty of not providing my child with proper toys for his development! (Yes...these are my self-reasoning techniques.) And let my browse by the books. We don't have this Dr.Seuss series? 

I head out with 5 outfits, 3 new books, and 2 toys. What? How did this happen? Is this my fault?? 

I also have to explain to my husband why we have ANOTHER closet full of clothes?? Eh...

Well I did learn last week, that yes, I'm addicted to buying baby clothes for AC. At least I'm buying him mostly clearance items, and in bigger sizes 6-9 months now. And being smart about how he should be dressing at that time. For example, I did buy him some 1.00 clearance items at target for summer clothes in 12 month sizes. Logically since he will be back in shorts by his first birthday. 

I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive financially if we have a girl next. I may have to get a part time job just for purchasing her clothes. Yikes. 

Ciao.

I'm back !

Uhh- yes where have I been?

Totally doing the mommy-thing still. And as you can see by my new and improved graphic, done by yours truly--although my husband does get paid to make custom bloggers....I still do my own *hmm*

Well I can't believe it but as of this friday, my little monkey will be 3 months old!! Where and how did the time go so fast?? What's even more sad is that my uterus is already aching for another. WTF? I know I reread my last entries and thought the same thing. Hadn't I made it seem like this was the worse thing ever. Just to turn around 2 months later ready for round 2? Luckily-- I'm on birth control that lasts for about 3 years. Perfect timing, hubby and I agree waiting a few years is best. There's some things we'd like to see be done in our finances, home, and careers before planning the next. But we both did agree that there will be a next :o)

Things with AC are awesome. Whenever anyone asks me how he is, I usually say "Awesome". I even  bought him a little outfit that said "Awesome" on it. I can't help it, he is the most amazing thing in my life. I can't even imagine him not being here and rocking my world every day. He is such a good baby. He just laughs, squeals, and plays with me all the time now. I love it.

I ended up going back to work at 6 weeks...and I was bracing myself for the worst. Putting AC in day care I was so unsure of my choices and whether I was doing the right thing. Well, he's been in daycare for 6 weeks now and IT'S GREAT! I really like his daycare and they are extremely accommodating for our schedule. I never cried leaving him, the daycare is 10 minutes from my job (with traffic, without its 5 or less!) and I just go see him whenever I want! I have the best of both worlds, I feel like I regained my sense of 'self' back and I'm still in mommy mode.

And well breastfeeding....I bet your wondering if I'm still doing it? DRUM ROLL PLEASE (imagine pretend drum roll)...IM STILL NURSING! To the diehard breastfeeders this is not a big deal, but to most women who didn't breastfeed and men that's 'surprising'. I remember arguing with my old school father because he was like "Well how long you gon keep nursing him...you don't want him to be 5 months still doing it!"Oh no. God forbid my child continue nursing on the best nourishment made specially for him like pediatricians advise. I love my dad!

Of course I'm still nursing. I worked hard, through blood, sweat and tears (literally), to get to this point. Now we are easy breezing and nursing is a great experience. I'm gonna be sad when we have to wean. Which we are doing when he is 1 years old. That's the plan at least.

Everything in my life is pretty peachy, and I'm really blessed. I'm really getting accostomed to mommy mode and my new life. But man, I don't miss the old one a bit. Yeah--I haven't been out in forever, and haven't seen a movie in months. But I got the best entertainment here with me every day :o)

The hiatus is over...I'm back. As a wife and mommy. Are you ready? :o)

Motherhood....revamped.

So...I've been on mommy mode for 4 weeks and 3 days now. That's how old my little chunk is! Things have gotten much better. I mean of course I still had a break down on Friday when he was gnawing my  nipples raw and screaming bloody murder pretty much all day, and I was freaking out every hour crying to my hubby at work to hurry home, while crying and being emotional for the rest of the night making a desicsion whether to keep him breastfed or switch to formula. Yeah...it was a bad day. But one day out of the week isn't too bad, right?

I decided to stick it out breastfeeding. Yes there's a ring around my nipple where he's pretty much 'sucked' the skin off literally. Yes-the joys of breastfeeding. Luckily after seeing 2 lactation consultants they adjusted my latch and pretty much said the baby has a tight grip when hes sucking. One of them recommended Genetian violet and piorbiotics (sp?) to help make sure the pain and soreness isn't because my thrush isn't still lingering. Nursing doesn't really hurt all that bad this evening so hopefully things are already working!

Talking to another breastfeeding mom today and she was saying that she really hated breastfeeding. She basically only does it because she knows 'breast is best'. But she seriously loathes it. I couldn't relate. Breastfeeding--I knew I wanted to do it. I knew I'd love it. Even back when I wrote this in back in January during my pregnancy--->

"Breast feeding is something I really really really want to do. I want to feel that bond and closeness (and pain) with my child in knowing that I am naturally equipped to provide my baby with food! That's got to be an awesome feeling."

This is true. I LOVE breastfeeding. Not because of all the great benefits, but mainly because knowing that I can soley provide nourishment for my child, is the most empowering feeling. He has went from 7 pounds 1 oz to 10 pounds and 1 oz in ONE month...because of my body. It's crazy. Plus--I love the face he makes when he's done. He sort of smacks his lips and close his eyes like "Yummm". He sucks in his lips and savors it. Then he falls into a milk coma and passes out.  It's hilarious.


Motherhood is getting easier. I'm getting to be a pro and night feedings and diaper changes. I look back now and wonder why I even freaked out in the beginning. It all seems sort of natural now. In fact--I'm totally on board with having another one in a few years! Shoot-- I'd do it again. Since my life is over anyway and isn't mines anymore--why not?!

I'm going back to work in 2 weeks...ahh I can't believe it. I have mixed feelings...but that's another entry.


Ciao.

Life before baby vs Life after baby

EVERYTHING has changed. When people say your life really changes, and you ask them "Well, how?" and all they can say is "EVERYTHING!".

Let the battles begin.

Basic Hygiene (what I miss the most)
Before: I obviously was well groomed. Even though I dressed plainly--I thought I had great classy taste. Daily long hot showers, or bubble baths while reading my cosmo. Spending an hour doing my hair each week to wash, deep condition, and flat iron. Keeping my nails and toe nails up. Especially during the summer.
After baby: I take a nightly shower most nights only due to my husband watching the baby. I haven't worn real clothes in weeks. I have 3 cosmos unread. I don't do my hair. I've washed it about 6 times and just tied it back. I've gone days without combing it! Nails and toenails...forget it. God bless the women who can have babies and look great without missing a beat. I missed the whole dang song.

Sleep
Before: Took naps and slept whenever I wanted.
After baby: Sleep, what's that? I vaguely remember...now I sleep in 2 hour increments every night. I get extremely giddy if I get an afternoon nap; I feel like a new woman!

Make-up
Before: Usually worn light makeup daily and more drastic at night.
After baby: I'm lucky to use a dried wipe across my face.

Freedom
Before: We went everywhere, all the time, care free.
After baby: I get so consumed with how we are going to pump/ make bottles enough for a trip to Walmart, or to go to church.

Every night, like tonight, I sit in bed and wonder "How the hell did I get through today??" and even more "How the hell am I going to do this tommorow?" It's so hard and demanding, but it got easier somehow? It's hard to explain. Like it's still a long drawn out hard process, but it works much smoother now. I remember almost 4 weeks ago when I used to cry when night time came. Because it meant I'd be alone with him and have to deal with it all night. Now he's started a bedtime routine and is in bed (his crib) already between 8:30-9:30pm. Now when night comes I just get up and waddle over and change, nurse, burp, and swaddle. It literally takes 20-30 minutes. I go back to bed and in 2 hours we do it again.

I cherish the moments when he's smiling and making super cute noises (that hes just learning!) I just stare at him. I stare at his eyes and his nose, mouth, eyebrows, and ears. I just visually soak him all in. Mainly because I'm so smitten, but also because I STILL can't believe he came out of ME!!!

I freaking made a person, grew them, nurtured them, pushed them out of my body, wrecked my body, and now am providing them with nourishment daily. AMAZING!!!

Baby Blues

I think I'm still going through them. It's the wildest thing. I just had a baby--the single most amazing miracle in my life thus far. And all I tend to keep thinking about is the fact that I've lost my 'image'. I used to be a work-a-holic, freak um dress wearing, traveling, party hopping MA degree holder. Now-- I'm just...a woman with a newborn attached to her breasts. Honestly- that's how I feel. Monkey is such a good little guy--he never really cries unless he's hungry. It's just hard because I really feel like I've lost myself. The peds stated that he shouldn't be going out in crowds until 6 weeks. I'll be back to work by then. So now I just need to make some small trips out...every now and then.  At least for our sanity. Tommorow I'm going to his 2 week appointment---I'm so excited.

Life with baby...

No one could have ever prepared me for having this baby. Nothing could have prepared me, not the stupid classes, not the advice and not the books.

After we had the baby and went home, thank god we had help from both of our parents for the first two weeks. My parents just left yesterday and I'm just now feeling like I can handle things on my own.

The first night home...was hectic. I was exhausted, emotional, and in pain. I hadn't slept at the hospital because I was so elated with the baby. Breastfeeding had taken a turn for the worst. It was very painful and my skin was getting cracked and bleeding from his vicious sucking. It was hard to get him latched on and more importantly I was so scared of how painful it was going to be I would resist it even more. The longer I waited to mentally get myself together for a feeding, the louder and harder he would cry and become fussy. This made each feeding last an hour. And he'd be up within another hour to eat. Around the clock of this behavior. I screamed at my hubby that I couldn't do it and felt like such a bad mom. I realized now that this was what people describe as the baby blues.

The next day his parents helped by giving him forumla to give me a break. I didn't know how bad that would make me feel. Inadequate to my own child's needs. I sucked it up and kept breastfeeding. The pain of him latching on would be so incredibly painful I would just have to breathe through the first minute of it like a contraction. My husband would even breathe with me.

This lasted the first week. We saw a lactation consultant (LC) who gave me a great latch on tips and showed me that when the baby opens his mouth you've got to shove that boob in there. She said yes it hurts--but it will heal quickly and you will feel better. She was partly right. It did heal quickly but it hurt like the dickens still. But I kept trucking with it.

The baby is so demanding. Nobody really informed me about that. How much time I will spend practically sleep walking, breast feeding, changing diapers, swaddling and doing it all over again within an 1-2 hours. I wasn't ready. I had about 2 more melt downs that week. Frustrations with breastfeeding demands, exhaustion, pain from my healing wound. That made things 10x worse. The fact that my stitches made me so sore, it was a pain just to keep laying down and sitting up to get the baby out of the bassinett right next to our bed.

On top of of it all-- I forgot to take care of myself. I barely ate. And I was already diagnosed anemic before I was discharged. This landed me in the ER two days after I gave birth, hooked up to an IV and shaking with the chills.

But alas---
I can look back on the last two weeks (plus my labor and delivery) and things don't seem as bad as they were. My monkey breastfeeding much better with the help of many LC's support (I called daily I felt like!). It only hurts now because we got thrush (ugh). I started pumping to build my supply and freeze bags of milk for my return to work.  We have in the making schedule with on demand feeding which doesn't take hardly an hour anymore. In fact he's done within 10 minutes per side, we're more effecient now!

Things are already getting better...not easier..but a lot better since I can cope and deal with his behaviors better than I could 2 weeks ago.

But man--wasn't ready for this. And didn't know how people my age or younger, single, or with other small kids do this! HAVING A BABY KICKED MY BUTT!!

My Labor and Delivery

OK...so it finally happened! I'm so excited to finally be able to type up this long anticipated told and retold story about my birthing experience.

Well after I totally made that post about being so frustrated with waiting for the baby to come and how depressed I was that I was given a inducement date. That just made things so real, that perhaps he wasn't really coming on his own.

The next day...was Thursday the 16th. I woke up around the time my hubby wakes up for work (6:30 am) with some strong braxton hicks so called similar PMS cramping. Now I had BH cramping everyday for about a week (they were strong and quite regular, every 20-40 minutes for a week). I had just seen my OB on Tuesday and despite my claims of strong BH, I was only 90% effaced and 1 good cm still.  I made that frustrated post, since at that appointment my OB stated my uterus wasn't 'favorable' and set my induction date for next Thurs 6/23.

Well--back to Thursday morning. I woke up with pains but not 'unbearable'. I went pee- simply because my BH would usually let up if I-- A. Peed or B. Eat/Drink. After peeing I felt better and got back into bed. But the pain was still annoyingly there. I wanted to complain to my hubby but I kept it to myself as he would try to stay home from work in anticipation. And I didn't want him to waste time off for BH. I kept quiet.

Shortly after he left-- I had a BH that made me grab my headboard. It was really strong. I had another one after that when I tried to get up and ended up leaning over my dresser clutching my stomach. I decided to get up and walk around and bounce on my birthing ball. I noticed that pain got worse and it was in a pattern. I would have to get off my birthing ball and sort of clutch the couch or table. I went back and forth in my mind wether or not I should call my hubby. Finally I decided to call him because the pain was worth him riding the hour back home (yikes!). Hubby was really receptive and could tell that something was not right with me, he came back home. While waiting for him, I spoke to one of my best  friends, and we concluded that I was indeed really in labor! I got really excited and really nervous.

When hubby came home I had consistent contractions about 10 minutes apart for 2 hours. I called my doctor and she wanted me to go in to L&D ward. I got really excited and so did my hubby. The pain was pretty bad about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. When we got there, I got hooked up to the fetal monitoring and they checked me for dilation. A mere 2 cm. But at least I was indeed in early labor! I couldn't be admitted just yet, the nurse asked me to walk around for an hour to see if things progressed. Hubby and I walked around for an hour and then came back once my contractions reached about 5-7  minutes apart. I was so excited yet in a lot of pain--I'd say it moved to a 6 at this point.

We got hooked back up to the machine...and waited. My 5-7 minute contractions died down to a mere 10 minute apart contraction. I looked at the clock and an hour had passed and no Dr had came back to see us. Finally an hour and few minutes later...the Dr comes back to check. Still only 2 cm, no progress made. My hormones were racing naturally--and I was so upset. Dr. discharged us and told me come back when the contractions were 3-4 minutes apart for 2 hours or as long as you can stand it. This is my first time hearing this vs. the usual 5 minutes apart, lasting one minute long and for one hour. I took the instructions and cried to my husband about how I was going to possibly last with the painful contractions...creeping up to a 6 on the pain scale by this point. Dr. told me to take tylenol. Hmph. Male doctor...that was like a slap in my face to anyone in labor. Take a tylenol. ^%^$^$#%@%$^!!!

Anywho...we went back home around 1 pm. I labored. And labored. My contractions were getting more painful and lasting much longer, but never moved passed the 8-10 minute mark. My hubby would just follow me around my house--when I had a contraction I'd drop down to my knees and rock, with him behind me. He'd say things like "It's gonna be over soon-- it can't last forever" "Ride the wave"...and as cheesy as it was, it really REALLY helped me to hear that. Sometimes he wouldn't say, or he'd spend time breathing with me which also helped alot. Sort of distracted me to try to match his breathing.

My hubby's parents happened to arrive and by that point I was having horrible pains. A good 7-8 on pain scale. I didn't want to be around them, or anyone else and was having so much trouble dealing with the long contractions.

Around 9 pm I had reached my max. I had called several women I knew to confirm that I was indeed feeling normal things. I had started having really bad chills, and my contractions were lasting minutes. But still--my contractions were only 7-8 minutes apart. I told my husband to pack it up--because I couldnt deal with it any longer. The best way for me to explain my contractions...were just painful all over body experiences. When people said you would really know when you were having contractions...I totally understand now!

So we packed it up and headed back to our hospital. Longest 20 minutes in my life! I coached my husband to just tell the front desk that my contractions were 5 minutes apart. I needed help!

When we got to the hospital my pain was at hard 8!! The staff knew I was in the real deal from when they saw me earliar. They immediatlely got us to a room and checked me for dilation. I was almost 5 cm!! I couldn't believe it! I was so glad I had went in when I did because God knows where I would have been waiting around at home for contractions that were 3-4 minutes apart of hours!

Around 11-12 pm they got us admitted, hooked up to the machine and offered my epidural. They gave me 'nubane' (spelling?) in a drip. That drug was horrible. It made me feel very woozy and drunk. But I could still feel my contractions and it was all very distracting. When I got my epidural it was the first time I was away from my hubby and I had contractions while they were prepping me. The nurse asked me to hold on to her and use my breathing techniques to get through them. I shouted "OW OW OW THIS HURTS THIS HURTS IT HURTTSSS". She said 'Remember  your breathing techniques' and I snapped at her 'THIS IS MY BREATHING TECHNIQUE!!'

After the epidural things had definitely settled down. I was checked again at 1 am and was a full 5 cm. Nurse said she would come back in a few hours to check me. My hubby passed out on a cot, and bless his heart he had been up all day with me and also hadn't eaten.  I tried to rest, but the wooziness of the nubane drug and the anxiety of my labor kept me tossing and turning. The nurse came back at 5 am and checked me...she said I was 9 cm! She said we were just waiting for my water bag to break and then we'll be delivering the baby! I was so excited! I had heard alot about how epdiruals slow down your labor but luckily mines kept trucking!

An hour later she came back at 6 am--and stated my water bag still hadn't broken although it was bulging like a overfilled balloon. She said once it broke, the baby could start coming down the birth canal and we could deliver at 8 am. Long story short--my water never broke on it's own. The nurse tried to break it when she checked me, and told me it was water bag of titan. We had to wait for the doctor to come and use the hook. So that took forever--I mean hours later the doctor strolled in and popped it. She said there was meconium in the fluid--which meant my late coming but impatient child already took his first poo. Ugh. They had to get respirortay team in the room when I delivered due to the fact that he could ingest it and need help breathing.

Around 11 am we started our practice pushes. My hubby held one side of my leg while the nurse held the other and we practiced pushing baby down the birth canal. That was exhausting. We took mini breaks and watched price is right in between. I'll never forget that. Finally after an hour of practice around 12 the doctor came with respiratory team and we were all ready for showtime.

The emotions going through my head were completely crazy. I was excited, scared, anxious and overwhelmed all at the same time. I couldn't believe what I was just about to do. I started feeling my body pushing naturally and went with the flow. We tried a new pushing position where I grabbed my own legs. I realized then---that I could feel my leg. I could feel my leg. Which meant I could feel other things. The doctor stretching me out and the baby's head decsending. I started freaking out. The nurse could tell the epidural was running out because she tried to convince me it truly was a good thing, now that I easily push. I mentally went nuts--but had to remain calm. I mean what could I do--I thought to myself. Close my legs and suck baby back up for a few more days?? The baby was coming out and my epidural was running out and I would probably feel pain. But there was no turning back.

Doctor made me push a few times and she said the baby was sort of sliding back up behind my pelvic bone. They used the vacuum on me. The suction wouldn't stick because my baby had so much hair! So I kept hearing and feeling the suction break, and it would freak me out. Finally once the baby had been pushed past my pelvic bone the doctor told me to give it all I had. I pushed and low and behold I felt the head pop out (literally pop out) and then the body came and the doctor flipped him around.

I looked at this purple/blue big headed full of hair baby screaming bloody murder with his long fingers all over his face.

 

I started screaming and crying. My husband thought I was still in more pain. But I started screaming 'Omg--that's MY baby' 'I just had MY baby' 'He's MINE!'. I couldn't take my eyes off him. The whole time he was being cleaned and warmed by the on call team. The doctor pulled my placenta out and sewed me up. By that point I could feel down there and it was painful. It was more painful because it took 20 minutes and I couldn't hold or touch my baby until she was finished. I could barely see him while they were cleaning him and I became so overwhelmed with our bond being missed I started crying out of sadness. They provided me with stupid nubane again. THEN--they brought him over, but the drunk feeling that drug gave me wouldn't allow me to hold my baby correctly. I kept telling my hubby to take him because I couldn't hold him or focus. I was really upset.

After we got to our recovery room--and things got settled, my hormones changed again. I became elated after the nubane wore off. I was mentally sane and over joyous. I spent hours calling family and friends and telling the story and how happy I was. I kept asked the nursery team when I could see him since it had been a few hours since the delivery. They explained he was a little cold and needed to get his body tempature back up to par. I waited patiently.

Finally they brought him in. He was swaddled like a burrito and I was so googly eyed and in love with him. I stared at his face and cuddled with him. I started breastfeeding right away and even though it hurt I felt so bonded with him.

Things were great at the hospital...it wasn't until we left home...where I realized what a major impact this baby created in our life....

The first few weeks...

Best day of my life. Yesterday had to be. But let's take it back to the beginning.

Frustrated with myself.

Here I am at 40+3 and no baby. Yesterday I was upset when coming from the Dr's, I found out that although baby monkey was doing great, I was not progressing with labor. My doctor used the term 'unfavorable'. That is depressing to hear. They said they would call with induction dates.

Today they called. June 23 was the date chosen. I wasn't even asked to have an opinion. It was chosen for me. That's more than a week away. This is just so discouraging. I called my dad and ranted to him. Upset. I posted my feelings on facebook and twitter. Yet I still feel really really down about this. Like I don't know why--I guess because it's just taking so long and I'm anticipating it. I think some of it has to do with the unexpected realization that this could take so long. It's not so cut and dry as you would think. My first mommy lesson.


I have a few things planned to do over the next week to keep me busy:

• Make a rice sock
• Finish Scrapbooking
• Bake a birthday cake
• Make a belly cast
• Make a labor playlist
• Finish my garden (actually...care about my garden)
• Finish thank you cards

I hope that's enough things to keep me from not eating everything in sight while boring myself to death. I'm trying to look on the bright side of things--but I just need time to get over the dark side first I guess.

Hopefully he will come sooner and on his own--

The Expierence

I can't believe. Here I am. 39 weeks and into my 40th week. This is it. I will be having "The Experience".

Now that I'm getting closer I like reading other people's labor stories and hearing others. They have been through something I have not. And it's all so different-- I wonder what my story would be like? Will I have an easy 12 hour birth--or gut wrenching tear jerker 'I almost didn't make it' 48 hours of labor story? Hopefully the latter.

I just feel like I'm going to cover sacred ground soon. I will be a new woman--a mom. I'm crossing that boundary from just a working married female-- to a mom whose heart lives outside of her. Everything in my life is going to change. And soon! I've been having crazy contractions these last few weeks and especially more intense the last two days. Something's bound to happen in the next few weeks....(wishfully days?)

And I think I'm ready as I'll be. Sure the house could use another good clean up (I'm all nested out at this point.) Sure- I have clothes to wash (I'm washing now...) and Sure I have some work to finish up from my job before I take leave (It will get done in the next two days). I'm as ready as I'll ever be for this baby. Mentally and all.

I'm ready for the experience!

It's June...

It's June 2011. JUNE.2011. This month my baby HAS to come out. Not like in May where "oh well..it could come out, possibly.' No- It has to come out. I would be 43-44 weeks at the end of this month, and let's be real, we ain't staying pregnant that long. I can't believe my due date is a mere 11 days away. 11 days. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??

I look back on my earliar entries on blogger and xanga where I stressed about wanting to get pregnant and planning the perfect time to get pregnant. Doing the whole taking my temps every morning with a BBT and tracking my cervical mucous (gross!) and then doing the baby dance and waiting the two week wait for testing....ahhh as technical as it all was, here I am. Working to my 39th week...and about to have this baby.

Where is my head? I can't even tell you. Sometimes I'm going through anxiety, happiness, and fear all at once! Every twinge and cramp I'm thinking 'Is this it?'. It literally reminds me of the two week wait (the wait you take after you ovulated- to see if you pregnant or not).

But everything is done. I went through a major nesting phase this weekend. Pretty much all I have to do is get some pictures made for his room, and keep the house clean. I'm still working and that's awesome because it keeps me somewhat sidetracked. But since I'm working from home- I get more sidetracked than normal.

My appetite is demolished for the most part. I eat about 2 or 3 small meals a day. I just have no desire to eat like I used to. And I eat whatever I crave. After baby comes I'll be on a stricter diet (breastfeeding) and won't be able to! Also- hubby goes right along with it. And when I want to go out and do something spontaneous, he just goes along. We know we have to cherish these last few weeks of 'our time'. That's why I sleep in a little later and spend more nights watching tv with hubby or just cuddling with him alone (and Amia.) I also had my nails and toenails done and want to get a prenatal massage before too.

The times when I'm doing all of this- I'm scared and anxious. But when I watch a baby story or read about my board members births in May/June- I get so excited! To meet Adrian and just eat his little toes and fingers! A mix of feelings.

I just can't believe it's June...and this baby has to come sometime this month. And there's no turning back when it does...

And Dear Mama...

Dear Mom-

It's been awhile (7 years to this date)- but I thought I'd update you since the last time we talked. Well first of all- I'm pregnant! I'm full term and awaiting patiently my bundle of blessings! I'm sure your excited as well- I know you'll send your love and an angel to hold my hand during the painful contractions. I've enjoyed my pregnancy for the most part and I've made sure to document it for my son so that he can enjoy the journey when he's able to.

Well educationally- since you last saw me- I've graduated from high school, from college and from graduate college! I know your proud of me, I did a lot of it to better myself, but also to prove to you I was going to make it even during your absence. Don't get my wrong I loved my college days- but their were some rough times I didn't think I was going to make it! Between my faith in God and strength through you and family I was able to make it all the way. I'm debating on getting my doctorates- but some soul searching has really proven titles aren't as important we think.

I have masters in counseling and pretty excited because it's what I really want to do in life. I got an awesome job that I really love and pretty much help people using my skills learned.

Oh- remember that guy you didn't really care for in high school cause we dated all of 1 month? Yeah well fate came back around right after you left. We ended up dating for years, moving down to South Carolina, buying a house and getting married! He's my first and only love and we're excited to be having your first grandchild! I love him like a fat kid loves cake. And you probably do too.  Oh- and don't worry we decorated the nursery room very fashionably, in fact I like our whole house decor. You probably like it too.

Well it's been 7 years since you left me and went to your eternal life of happiness. I don't care what nobody says- I believe you remember me still and watch me all the time to make sure things are going OK for me. I appreciate it and can tell sometimes you convince God to send an angel to really move in my favor. I'm doing really good and have good support all around me- all though nothing really compares to having you right here and physically talking to me, but  I'll take a rainbow, beautiful sunlight through the clouds, or a dream where you visit me.

It was great catching up with you and I always remember this date RIP Mom...

END OF DAYS!

Dear Monkey-

I know people have heard about the end of days...well this isn't that kind of end of days. I mean this is the end of my pregnancy almost! I can't believe how fast (slowww) it went! I guess it was fast and slow for me. I think it was slow for you and probably boring too. But whoa-- your life is gonna change once you live on THIS side of the womb!

Baby you are probably about 5-6 pounds now! I wonder if your a chubby or lean baby? I'm thinking lean since your have long legs and arms. You are all baby though and have no where to go in my belly, you just sort of switch your booty from side to side and that's it. I fell on you the other day and bruised myself (trying to run to the restaurant in the slippery rain in flip flops trying to NOT get my hair wet, ugh).I prayed that you'd be ok and you were shocked at first- but moving around 5 minutes after like usual.

The doctor said you were just fine, but wasn't too happy we aren't taking our iron/prenatal efficiently and drinking enough water AND driving and commuting two hours a day to work; So now we are on bedrest, but can work from home. So that's good, we like working and don't want to be bored out of our mind. I don't do well with boredom. Neither does your dad. One time the electricity went out and we stayed up for hours playing shadow puppets with our flashlights. I digress.

Monkey we finished your room pretty much! We are very excited and created it just for you! We think you will like your room and will be such a busy body once you get big enough to appreciate it and all the fun toys we have for you.

We also started working on your baby book- I think that's really important. Since I was adopted I didn't have a baby book or any pictures of me when I was a baby so I hope as you get older and go through life, you will cherish these videos I make, blogs I wrote, and books I'm creating for you.

Your dad he's very excited. I think he has mixed feelings about you now. I know he can't wait for you to get here but I think he's anticipating how much it will change his life and priorities. I feel similar. I just really wish I could see you- and then stick you back in the oven till your done. I want to know who you look like--don't worry both of your parents are foxes, but I think you may look more like your dad since his genes are strong.

Other than that baby- I am just really enjoying these last days. We are going this weekend on our baby moon, how sweet is that? You aren't having a good day today, you seem uncomfortable and your making me nausea again. I can't eat as much, and just don't have an apetite anyway. The nurse says it's 'Almost showtime'. We'll see. Hopefully if you can just stay put- I have a baby shower at work Monday, and your dad is in a wedding next saturday (and of course the baby moon trip this weekend) It would be appreciated actually if you didn't try to come until your due date or possibly a few days before if you HAVE to come before.

Well I need to finish packing, I hate to blame you for my procastination but you've really made me sit here for an hour on facebook eating frozen non alcholoic strawberry daquiri mix out of the blender with a spoon...