Saying Goodbye and Dreams

I remember as clear as yesterday...

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Moving on...

So I've started my internship, it actually started the first week in this month. And at first, I was skeptical, I mean working in the field, that I wasn't even sure that I may like at a place that is actually intended for social work, not necessarily for counseling.

This was my entry wayy back when I was just starting out my nternship. Young, scared, anxious, fresh and new. I was pretty skeptical and wary the entire first few months...even considering leaving to go to another site (WORST DECISION EVER.) However, I landed right back where I belong. And alas, after seven months of hard work, dealing with all kinds of different clients, and passing my office down to two new interns starting...I took my last clients yesterday, and turned in my last bouts of paperwork and took down my posters, pictures, and decor left. Say goodbye to the caseworkers and staff...and walked down that long hall towards the doors.

This walk down this hall was not just a regular walk, like my usual hustle bustle to get out, it was a spirtual walk. I felt...more mature, smarter, and more sure of what it is that God's plan for my life was. I left that empty room...completely empty, and it looked just like the day it did when I moved in there. But this time, my supervisor was replacing it with two new girls. And these girls and whoever else, will follow in my footsteps interning there, will always be looking at my original documents, paperwork, theories and ideas. Because I was The Pioneer, the first, intern counselor there.

And now leaving...I felt like I've grown, spiritually and mentally during this internship. And going in I was only trying to find place to hurry up and do this stupid internship, so that I could graduate from this stupid degree. But I came out learning that not only is counseling the path God wants me to stay with, but he's blessed me with this remarkable talent for it.

Leaving my site yesterday was amazing. But not as amazing as I felt for taking that journey in the first place. *Thank you* Now it's time for me to sit back, do some volunteer or paid counseling, and start my  new job at the BGC and enjoy what God brings to my husband's blossoming career and whatnot. Right now, I can not ask him for anything else but wisdom. I am very content.

Ok, so the second part of this is the whole dreams thing.
Last night I had a dream that I was back in my childhood home (I moved out when I was like 14/15) and the house was being used like an office or place of business. Well we knew there was a killer there...and something happened, but I knew he was gonna start killing people soon, and I thought to myself "I have to leave now!" I was in my basement, and he came down there. So I tried to look really really busy and distracted (I had 3 portfolios in my hand with really nothing in them). I walked past him quickly so focused on the empty portfolios, mumbling something on my way down like "I got to get this done". Well the  killer who appeared to be like the character Hannibal Lector just slowly watched me brush past him in a hurry. He made some grunts and stabbed blindly at me lightly (not enough to hurt me, almost like to scare me). I didn't let him see the reaction he was looking for and just stayed busy. Once I got up those stairs, I slowly opened the outside doors and took off to the only place I thought he would never come to. A neighbors house across the street. And most importantly I never looked back, ever! Not even to see if he was following me, I just took off! My theory in the dream was that he'd be so busy killing other people inside, he wouldn't have time to wander around the neighborhood trying to find me. At the neighbors house I called police AND swat team. Go me!

So...first of all, whenever I dream about myself in a home, IT IS ALWAYS IN MY CHLDHOOD HOME! ALWAYS! Even if I'm an adult or married, it's still there. Sometimes my deceased mother is there, or my dad.

Visiting your childhood home is a common dream scenario. Such dreams usually occur when you're dealing with a problem that stems from your upbringing. After all, your childhood is where you developed the foundation of who you are. The traditions, emotional patterns and beliefs you learned while growing up will influence you, for good or for bad, as an adult. Dreams of your childhood home can reveal an ingrained belief or attitude that is keeping you from manifesting what you want now, like a compatible relationship or success in your work.

 Interesting. But what about the killer and be escaping the way I did?

To see a killer in your dream, suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.

To dream that you escape from injury, from an animal, or from any situation, signifies your good health and prosperity. You will experience a favorable turn of events.

 Wow...interesting, and I believe very true. What is it exactly my mind is trying to tell me??

I hate pregnant dreams

Not only do they remind me that in real life, I'm not pregnant. But they are always so sad! In every pregnancy dream I have, it's always bad. Like explained in my Xanga...

3/29/10: I keep having a reoccurring dream about being pregnant. The dreams goes something around the fact that I find out I'm pregnant and then I'm happy about it and excited and ready for it, and then either my stomach is deformed or my belly disappears. And it's the worst feeling. At one point I dreamed a close friend (whom I was jealous of at the time) was pregnant at the time and she had her baby but I lost mines. Craziness right?

And so naturally I looked up a response and this is what it said

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it.This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.
To dream that you are pregnant with the baby dying inside of you, suggests that a project you had put a lot of effort into is falling apart and slowly deteriorating. Nothing is working out the way you want it to.

Interesting right? Here are some other meanings

Another type of pregnancy dream involves abortion or miscarriage. These dreams all point to something being unfulfilled--a wish, a hope, a desire or even a special project. Dreams of unfulfilled pregnancy are pleas from our psyche to look at what we want to bring into the world and examine why we aren't doing it.


Pregnancy dreams, like real life pregnancies are harbingers of change, creativity, and new life being brought into the world. Treat your life as you would treat yourself if you were pregnant and wait for the miracle you're already creating to manifest in your waking world!

This helps explains about my common miscarriage dreams

Symbolically, miscarriages as a dream symbols represent a missed opportunity or an aborted plan of action.Miscarriages are unfulfilled pregnancies and are symbolic cries from the psyche asking for a reevaluation of the dreamer's life desires and an examination as to why those desires aren't being fulfilled and actively pursued in waking life.

Miscarriage dreams are often termed "shadow dreams" with the "shadow" being the place containing all the psyche's undesirables. Shadow particles are not necessarily bad, in fact, "shadow gold" exists. Shadow gold is usually a wonderful part of the self, hidden by and attached to psychic wounds.

 Wow these are all interesting theories, and can help explain a bit about (psychoanalytically) baby desires and dreams. Now I'm sure @ least 20-30% of my dreams are simply caused due to my extreme fascination in everything 'baby' (like I was reading a waiting to conceive forum last night before bed) but I think there is some truth and the underlying meanings.

I have to wonder now...what is it that I'm not getting? What creative side of me is not being fulfilled? Hopefully when this new position comes and I'll be challenged creatively...during a dream I can be pregnant AND give birth?

Baby Desire Blurb #1

Thats right. It's time for me to utilize this space for what it's really for. I WANT A BABY! I just get like this feeling...let me try to explain the feeling. It's like someone is holding me really tightly around my chest...and I'm really just anxious and tired of waiting!!

I know I have to wait but it just drives me so bonkers to the point where I just wanna run into the other room and sexually assault my hubsand. GIVE ME THOSE SWIMMERS!! Sometimes, I actually start to storm over there.

I am trying my best to be patient and make sense out of this incredibly growing sensation within my body without annoying anyone else outside of my cyber blog world. Even more I hate pretending like I'm not interested in kids for the most part, so everyone doesnt badger me about it. But it's so hard and it slips through the cracks at times like today, when I post on my FB status "Babies, babies, babies"

Everyone appears to be pregnant, and how green I am! But I know, that God is planning the best time for me to get prengnat (which I'm hoping is soon, even sooner than we planned!) After a week, I'll be down to 9 months...ironically. :)

Hubby is coming along fabulously, we really have talked about just about everything pre-baby we can possibly talk about, there is nothing else to speak out, without annoying the daylights out of him!

Hola!

Como estas? 

Brushing up on my spanish is something I am constantly working on. Since my hubby's family is mainly puerto rican, I really try to learn and use the language as much as I can. I mean when it's appropiate. I don't just start trailing off spanish slurs to my clients in the middle of our sessions--but I try to find little ways to incorporate it. Iwant my bi-racial children to know both languages, it will be rewarding for them in the future.

Ugh, I hvae this annoying thing in my throat. Like you know how when you sleep with the fan on and your throat is like that raw-ey feeling? Like whenever you swallow it feels like you need to push something else down but it never goes away? Does that make sense? It's that annoying stage between a sore throat and irritatation. Sorry, but that's the best I can do.

So last weekend, I was pumped up to start that baby bucket list and guess what? Your right. I didn't do anything. I got bored with the idea while trying to sort pictures. I'm not sure how this baby bucket list thing is going to work. I think I need to revise it. :)

I feel like right now everyone and I mean EVERYONE is pregnant. Some bloggers I follow, friends on facebook, people I see. This must be a common thing I hear many 'broody' (meaning desiring children) women complaining about always being surrounded by pregnancies and babies. At work I am somewhat training the new incoming intern, and she is telling me sooo much information about babies and raising kids. I love the conversations. She answered any and all my questions honestly and she really made me feel pretty comfortable about the whole thing. So if I wasn't clear on my stance on babies, I DEFINETILY think (that I spelled definitely wrong) it's something I'm ready for!

I'm really suprised AND excited that hubby is actually listening to my tales from the incoming intern, and we are discussing the topics and making decisions on how we'd do things. I felt really good when hubby stated:

"So...I guess now the only thing I'm concerned about is Amia (our dog)"

Let me tell you, I could have cared less what he's concerned about our pets, I am simply happy that he feels that he's NOT concerned about other baby related things. I think he is really coming along the idea of it...and that makes me sooo :) The date is still set for June of next year...but my plan to convince my hubby is coming along fabulously!

Other than that, TODAY I have officially completed all internship hours! All 750!! I'm super excited, I am pretty much done with my program!! Just gotta attend a few more in class supervision classes, talk about what I learned, and BOOM. I'm done!! It feels awesome, to be right near the finish line to having my masters.

On my last note (geez, this things is long.) Today I completed my paperwork for my NEW job, which training starts in August. Best news ever? I get benefits (remember, I'm part time) and they PAY for your benefits...meaning nothing comes out of my check. That's crazy, right?! 100% paid premium? Doesn't get better than that. Also I asked them about if I were to get pregnant...COVERED!

I really see things finally falling together, and I could nothing but pray and thank God. 

BBL Time (baby bucket list)

Today is one my last Saturdays of complete freedom. Once I start my new job (training is next week!) I will be required to work every Saturday, the entire afternoon. So I should take advantage and try to get something crossed off on my baby bucket list. I'm thinking the most fun and accessible thing to work on (and hopefully complete!) would be my scrap-booking. I have one scrapbook almost complete, but I could make more.

I need a scrapbook for

• College years
• Married Life
• Vacations 
• One dedicated to my parents

Then I think I'll be complete. I could also work on my yard...but that may take more money. I guess I could start off my trying to kill this weird crab grass weed taking over my back yard and try to grow some pretty green lawn. Everything else on the bucket list will have to wait until we get some cash flow going back in the house.

Summer days

I love summer, it is by far my most favorite season of the year, I think. I mean spring is nice, and so is fall, but summer just has that all around

"  hey it's summer n i'mma kick it"  --  feel to it? 

Ya know?

What I don't like about summer, is this ridiculousness heat here in the South. You can't even breathe, it's like the devil taking your breath away or something. I tried my green thumb this year and my plants have a love/hate relationship with me. Sometimes I water them, and they thrive in the sun; And sometimes I let them fry (not intentionally!) and they wilt and die on me. I try my best to keep them up. I'm never really good at staying one task AND seeing through it till the end.

That's like a weird fear of mines. I have this ill ability to become bored with almost anything. I once read a Myers Briggs personality indicator for my personal type, which is ENFP,  that said

"ENFPs are initiators of change, keenly perceptive of possibilities. They energize and stimulate others through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma. They tend to idealize people, and can be disappointed when reality fails to fulfill their expectations. They are easily frustrated if a project requires a great deal of follow-up or attention to detail."

That very excerpt describes me to a T. And I think it's a good thing, but I also know it's a bad thing, and it frustrates me. That's why I have tons of unfinished projects. I'm suprised I have kept a blog in the past for so long. Now--one discretion, if you read my blog and enjoy it, by all means please subscribe. But be warned, that just because I created this new 'project'- if you will, and I've written in here every day, please don't be alarmed if I disappear for days and sometimes even weeks on end without an update. Just know, I have temporarily disappeared, probably immersed into another novice project which I will become bored of in a matter of time :)

My husband even tells me

"I'm so surprised your not tired of me yet"

Shoot, sometimes I am too, but for as long as we have been together, he is ONE thing I have never got tired of being with or being around. I could spend every day, waking moment with him, and still want to see him the next day. In fact, I intend on defineitly following that through :)

Well, nothing much to talk about now. Hubby and I are gonna grab a bite to eat and head to see the movie Inception. I heard it was mind blowing! 

BTW--I'm really finding it hard to find new friends on here, not as easy as Xanga, I mean I don't see any groups you can join, or how to find similar blogs on here. So occasionally in attempts to meet people I'll ask a question so a reader can leave a comment. Like, How do most people find others on Blogger? What does Blogger offer to new people? 

Work Out Time

I'm still really really excited about my new position as a TEEN DIRECTOR...I just don't know where to start. I guess since I'll need to create some lesson plans...I feel that would get the ball moving. Maybe read some books on how to demand teenagers attention, or gain their respect? That's gonna be an obstacle, especially since they've had 3 other teen directors come and go in the last year alone. I want to be different, I just need to organize myself. I want to wow my supervisor, come in when school starts and have -ish together so that she doesn't have to hold my hand and show me it all. You know what I mean? I'm gonna get on that...somehow. Hehe.

In other news, I'm fat. I have heard countless women tell me

"Once you get married, you will get bigger and bigger and bigger!" 

But I never believed it, cause all these years I could stuff my face and eat taco bell every night and wake up small again. It was like God was given me a start over or reset button every morning. But lately...I think he's been on other errands, lol.

I weighed 100-105 pounds all through high school. Got to college, tried my best to put on weight (I wanted to be thick!) And I left college weighing 110-115. Now I've been out of college for almost 3 years and I weigh 120-125. Now your probably thinking,

 "Wow, she needs to shut up and sit down somewhere cause that's not a lot"

But I am only 5'2 pushing 5'3, and I have long skinny legs. So any weight goes to my tummy and my boobs. I constantly look 3 months pregnant! I don't think this pattern is gonna work for me!

Seriously we need to start working out again. At one point this year I was doing P90X, and it kicked me and my husbands arse's but it worked extremely well. We were eating healthy and really taking care of ourselves. We felt great. And then we stopped cause we got lazy again, *sigh*

If anyone wants to answer: At what age (s) did you start putting on a lot of weight over the years (if any, lucky!) and what exercises, programs, or diets really worked for you? 

Baby Bucket List

• Get a job!
• Work on yard (front and back)
• Travel to Las Vegas one more time :)
• Take a dance class
• Take an art class
• Go camping
• Go to ski resort/cabin
• Change last name (officially!)
• Finish scrapbooks (up to date)
• Go out of the country again (Mexico, Puerto Rico, Italy, etc!)
• Go on a cruise!
• Go to New York City for a weekend- see a Broadway play
• Paint a picture for the home
• Finish (5) books
• Get a fish tank and fishy’s!
• Put hardwood floors down
• Start and save extra money in new account for baby! :)
• Buy a new digital camera
• Go to California
• Have a dinner party (cooked by me!)
  

All things about babies...

Babies, babies, babies...where do I start...

all things about babies. 

I have always been one to not like children...seriously. I'd even go as far to say, I hated them at one point of my life. I was never wanting to hold babies, and play with them or anything like that. I just thought they were annoying little @%$% that dragged your life down and hung onto you like a bad accessory.

Well afterI got married...the wierdest thing happened to me. I woke up one day and thought to myself

"Omg...I think I want a baby".

Weirdest thing ever. I started freaking out so bad, because I didn't understand where this feeling was coming from! So of course naturally I shared this new feeling with my husband and he simply laughed. I told him I was serious and he just did not believe me...for months! Then finally he realized I was serious...but NEWSFLASH it wasn't something in his plans at this time. So for about almost 2 years now I have been baby crazy. High with fever, cooing at new babies, watching Baby story, and dying every time I pass the baby aisle in wal-mart.

I've tried to convince my husband for the last two years but he would not budge (or even entertain the idea)! Now, I can't blame him, as we are both quite young (me @ 24 & him @ 23) and could probably find other more fun things to do in our young lives. But this burning fever will not let up no matter what!

We've had several discussions about the timing and each one pretty much ended up in anger, because we can not agree about when to start our family. I am so in love with the idea of starting a family soon, my husband finally caves in and says if we have careers going, and finances are ok then we should wait till maybe the end of this year. I decided (because that is the final say, right?) that we will wait until June 2011 (because that gives enough time to really REALLY make sure we'll be as ready as ever). So that's our time line! I created a baby bucketlist (courtesy of babymakinmachine's blogspot!) and in the meantime, we will focus on us for the next year. He agreed and said that's really good for him. He still says he's not interested in a baby now, so all the baby talk is 'irrelvant' to him, but he says as time gets closer he will become more 'interested'. Men. 

So thats how the whole baby thing is working in my life right now. It's been pretty easy to keep my mind off of it (with bucket list and all), but I have so many questions and concerns that I figured this outlet (and chapter of my life) should be well documented here. I will post my ever changing and ever extending baby bucket list here later...

Chapter 1--Page 1

So here we are FINALLY...my fresh start here at Blogger! I have been desperately trying to leave Xanga (my first blogging home) for months now...just sort of feeling like I needed a new outlet for a new chapter in my life. It's hard starting somewhere new, so let me give you a basic run down about me...

My name is the Wife (anonymity!) and I'm from the north, but moved to the south once I graduated from college up there. In college I majored in...a lot of things, but it wasn't until I started psychology classes that I realized,  

'eh...I'm more of a people person and should stick to this'. 

 I started my Xanga blog shortly after my mother died (ovarian cancer) in 2004 and kept track of all my travels through undergraduate school, friends, parties and of course my love interest at the time...JC.

Lots of ups and downs and break ups to make ups and struggles during those times. Glad I blogged it :)

During my senior year of college (2007) I decided to graduate early and look into a graduate school. I chose a graduate school in the south and prepared myself for moving, my love JC and I decided that we'd go ahead and move together. It would be a NEW START for both of us!

So blogging along...I graduated in the north at the end of that year and A WEEK LATER we moved to the South! I was blessed with a job at the bank (after being a server all through college) and JC soon found a great job (where I ended up working there several months later). Life was grand for us, we had an apartment, adopted a puppy and started our travels together. We took alot of trips, vacations, and spontaneous fun things! We would get off work at 5 pm on a friday and head to florida for the weekend...FUN!!

Things in our lives were so great, that we talked about getting married! Soon enough he proposed later that year (2008) and then we decided next June we would get married. We also decided to buy a house, since the market was so good, and we found one a cute starter home in a really nice neighborhood (2008). I always say 2008 was our year :)

2009...is when troubles began for us. Towards the end our job was having rumors of major layoffs and I was victimized in Nov. (2009), JC in April (2010). Things have been extremely hard for us, not only financial but just emotionally too. We've had to deal with things that we never looked twice at before. It was a good reality check about our priorities. I also started doing my internships (the last classes for me) at a government agency where I counseled several clients. Eye opening experiences, but such a great experience! I enjoyed every second of it, good and bad, and came out realizing I WAS MADE FOR COUNSELING!

And here we are...July 2010. And it's time for a real fresh start. I've graduated (practically, just waiting on the degree!) with my Masters in Counseling,  and JUST got a real job at BGC as the Teen Program Director!! I'm sooo excited, anxious, and nervous, but ALAS! a real job. Josh (JC, I flip between both) has his fingers crossed on a position he really wants, so we are waiting about that. YES! Jobs again!!

Things were rough, but we started going to church earliar this year and we've been getting closer with GOD (I've tried to always keep a stable/close relationship with him) and we have been fighting so much in the last couple of months to maintain our faith, but just like the pastor said  

"When you find yourself fighting the hardest and working the hardest...that's when your the closet to have a breakthrough in your life"

 ...one of my favorite lines and one of my truest moments.

So I encourage you to stay tuned, and keep up with my ever evolving life,  because I'm sooo looking forward to meeting new people with new stories! :)