We actually decided in the middle of August that we were going to start for a family. Yes, it probably wasn't the ideal time and things could have waited but because hubby said to me, that he was ready, I decided FINALLY! And couldn't wait any longer, but also thinking that chances are it may take 2 or 3 months to even get pregnant. I obsessed during the dreaded 2 week wait over every little detail. Pregnancy and babies had consumed my life. I had stopped doing anything, including planning for work, cooking dinner, doing household chores, even walking my dog for crying out loud. Everything was baby, baby, baby! My hubby found it annoying, and I did too, I just couldn't stop!
Well...we ditched the rubber contraception and after we "baby danced" around the time I get my period I noticed it was late. I was excited because--well this could be it! Finally a day after what I thought my period should have started I took an early pregnancy test and it said positive, but it was very faint. But a line is a line right? I was soo excited! The next day which was Saturday I took 4 more tests, all early response tests and they were faint but visible positives. I WAS UBERLY EXCITED! I told hubby and my parents and shared the good news with some friends at work.
Well, the next morning Sunday, I took a digital test to confirm...to my surprise it said Not pregnant. I was so confused, I was late on my period and I had gotten like 6 positive tests. Maybe I'm early? Well, I'll take another early response test to confirm, because it should be getting darker...well I took the test and to my dismay, it was even fainter than the one before. I was devastated. I cried and cried that morning, alone in my bathroom.
I knew something was wrong. Already.
The next morning, my period has started and I realized I had a chemical pregnancy.
"A chemical pregnancy is another name for a very early miscarriage.
When implantation occurs, but the pregnancy fails to develop properly, it is called a chemical pregnancy. That's because you were technically pregnant (you produced the chemical HCG), but a normal pregnancy did not result. You see it as a regular period, or a period that is a few days late."
I was pretty upset that Sunday when my test was negative, but I went to church and was prayed for by the pastor. Some key things I remember, is that he said I didn't like to see women and children hurt, and that it will show in my near future. He also said things will be better for my husband and I. He also said that God is gonna deal with me on some things first...he's gonna deal with me.
And I think I know what's going on. I think God is testing not only my faith in him, but my patience. My patience was good for a bit, but nearly not long enough. I rushed into this baby thing, and completely forgot about my responsibilities and important issues.
Long story short, I decided this morning, because it was set on my heart to do this...was to be patient until November to start TTC again. I chose this date to give myself time learn a bit more about my body, to get my insurance and benefits understood/eligible at my job (FML is job AND benefit protected for 12 weeks!). And to spend the next few days getting into a routine of walking my dog and self, making sure my home stays clean, getting closer to God, doing my best at work and making sure I'm keeping myself busy at home doing things I want, volunteer and yoga/art.
I sure said alot...but hopefully it will happen soon enough, and this time it will last...
