Crazy Dream...

I had a CRAZY dream last night! Well the main parts, hubby and I had moved to Aruba Aruba, which look liked my current city but was considered Mexico in Aruba Aruba in the middle of the desert! But it was like we went on vacation and ended up staying because it was like this cult! And there were people from my city I know and friends from church there. I remember thinking I can never go back home though or have any one to pick me up because they may hurt me. We were stranded in the cult.

Any who something in the dream that sticks out was I went to the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. It was positive. Now, I'm not getting excited because it's just a dream. But I've heard a lot of stories of women dreaming about it and then it coming true! How lame do I sound??

Any who let's get down to the business.

Desert

 Deserts are also symbolic of barrenness, loneliness and feelings of isolation and hopelessness. The desert landscape may also be a metaphor for feeling deserted and left behind.

Cult

On a more positive note, you have the desire to strive for a better Self. It implies devotion and sense of community. 

 Wow that is really really interesting.

Bathroom

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, a bathroom symbolizes purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

Stranded

To dream that you are stranded, represents your feelings of isolation and loneliness. You are seeking out for someone to help and rescue you from your situation. 

Hmm...this is worrying me! Well last but not least... 

   

Pregnancy Test 

Alternatively, this dream may be literal in meaning and address your anxieties/fears of getting pregnant.

 Soo...this is right on the money at least! I'm still due for AF technically tommorow, don't think I should this early...but....

Ciao.

Ugh--this week has been crazy!

Craziness!

I have started about 3 entries, only to not finish them and start doing something else. [A.D.D!]

Well TTC is underway and there's no way I can keep it a secret on my blog, but I doubt anyone actually reads my blog who knows me personally,  

But if you do, please keep these things private, DO NOT flower my facebook profile with baby related things and congratulations on my page!! 

I need to be ready to come out on my own about things at my own pace. But I need my release here. Plus it's not like it's a big secret anyway, everyone knows how baby crazy I've been since...geez forever?

Sunday, 31 August 2008

First comes marriage...then comes the baby!

But it's so wierd. I believe GOD always sends me messages. I don't know how but sometimes they come in various ways. And lately...my heart has been feeling strongly about a baby. I do not know why. Being pregnant and starting a family is weighing so heavily right now. There's more things I want to do in life before settling down like that. I still need to finish school, we have to get married next year, we need to find a spot we want to live in thats great for both of our careers...I'm looking at baby stuff, and thinking about babies, I'm so akward with babies though, you can tell I'm such a non baby person...I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from, and I don't know if we are ready for a baby now, but I got a feeling after we get married in June, and I graduate in school....it might happen. I mean, I know you can never really plan for a baby...because things never go as planned, but is there a right time, or good time to have one??

So you see that it's been literally a while since GOD has put that on my heart and I've been treading along...each year after year...

Friday, 10 July 2009

I finally got it.

Well...now I am happily married!! Let's see...happily married (together for over 5 years, living together for almost 2), stable job, house, a car... No...this burning desiring to reproduce that months later has not left me. I have tried to explain it to others, including JC and no one really gets it. It's a constant mind vs. body war. I really don't want to have a child right now, but it's so weird...it's like everything has came together perfectly that this is what I'm supposed to do?? I beg to differ logically. Ok...children are $$$ and time...and a lot of things that I don't really want to give up right now. But it's like my body is fighting and boy when she fights, she fights hard. My ovulation cycles are getting painful! Like every time a egg shoots out they are determined!!I'm trying to deal...it's the most frustrating anxiety I have experience so far in my life. I guess I'm ready in all the ways...but still 2 years is ideal!!

And so, yes I feel that for some crazy reason, God is leading my heart to believe that the time is now! And if it isn't 'right now' I'm sure it will be right on time when he wants it.

But sure enough...I have been officially exposed to the world of TTC [trying to conceive] learning the terms, BD [baby dance], DPO [days past ovulation], CM...I'm not going to say that one. But it's just sooo much information. And of course like the nerd I am, I am learning every single thing and trying wayyy to hard than I bet Adam and Eve did to accomplish this goal. I am not charting and taking temps, oh no, it's not like that. But I am looking at every single little symptom and I'm just TIRED of that. Literally tired [SYMPTOM!]

But as of today, I have decided that I'm pretty sure like 80% sure that AF [another word!] will appear soon, so I'm just hanging out till then.There's always next few months and I really think that the farther along in the summer the better because we are in weddings next year!

Other than that, OMG work has been atrocious! I'm pretty sure that word was not necessary or even used correctly, but I wanted to use it today, just to magnify the emotion. I mean some of these kids [and by kids I mean teens!] are out of control and really need their parents to be jailed for the lack and neglectful childhood they gave them. Most of the teens are good kids, but they are slowly being corrupted by what they see in their neighborhood and in the nasty negative media. Honestly, I felt that yesterday I just wanted to quit because my patience has disappeared. But after alot of pep talks, I decided to just put on my big girl panties [yeah, I thought I had them on too, but apparently they haven't been] and take this in stride. This job is a work in progress, and if I just give up now, I'll just be hurting them more than myself. The fortune cookie slip that I found right outsdie my car door a few weeks back stated

"Stick with the career that challenges you, otherwise you'll just be wasting your talent"

No lie. It said that. At the time I was working at the restaurant and doing my internship...but it's funny isn't it?

Ciao.

Well...

Here it is. Everything I wanted to happen is being able to happen. This.Is.Exciting. except for being a nervous wreck, I'm still trying to be faithful.

Today we have a lot of fun stuff going on for the kids. Today is Fun Friday! Hopefully it goes by quickly and swiftly because I'm back there all day tomorrow. Hopefully it should be interesting.

Things still aren't clear with Hubby and Job choice yet...we are just counting down the days and remembering to count our blessings. We have faith and know God is working things out the way they need to be :)

Ciao.

What is wrong with me?!

Ugh! I do not LIKE myself right now. I'm hot, I'm cold, and I'm yes and I'm no. This whole time I have been so eager and so ready to do this...but yesterday Hubby (most likely jokingly) challenged me on it. And I backed down. And I've been scared since...what am I scared of? I started thinking...

"What if we didn't save enough?"

"What if I didn't travel enough?"

"What if we didn't see enough movies and dinners out??" [I know...for sure we have seen more movies and ate out enough. We have exceeded the average couple probably :)]

Just everything scares me. The whole idea, everything. It's almost like I know I am or something. It's just scary now. But I'm going to put on my big girl panties and think about this.

Patiently waiting for Mr.Change

I am very surprised at my patience lately. Like very. Hubby is still waiting about job situations and the many different options he has. So far it's been playing the waiting game for a few months now and I'm sure he's ready to move on. He seems restless but he keeps pushing.

The biggest surprise of all...I actually thought I was going to dread the new job, but I actually enjoy it! The middle school kids I work with are pretty good kids with of course minor faults and issues involving discipline, simply because they've never had anyone seriously discipline them. I made 4 easy rules with them.

1. Ask permission. To do anything. I don't care if you want to leave the room to throw away paper or get some water. Ask first. I think it's important for them to learn to be obedient in order to get more privileges.
2. Don't talk when I'm talking. Simple.
3. Be respectful. To themselves, others, and furniture in the room. I told them if they weren't respectful to the furniture it would leave. Then they'd have to stand or sit on the floor. 
4. Be open. Come to me with problems or issues. And be suggestive. Let me know if you don't want to do something and I'll expect you to come up with other ideas that will make it more fun. 

 I thought my rules were simple and easy.  It took me a while to come up with the perfect set, but I think this is good.

So yes, things are going pretty good. And I'm happy for the most part. I know I have to take the ups with the downs and that it will be a challenge. A BIG CHALLENGE. But the benefits are great, the pay is semi-decent, and I only work 4 hours a day. Not bad at all... I'm ready to get back to our regular lifestyle, not having to squeeze each penny every month.

We've learned a lot during this season...but I feel the shackles are ready to come off and God is going to put us back in the game. I'm excited because our breakthrough is so close! SO CLOSE! And this time around we know what to do right, and who to put first in our lives now.  

Lesson Learned!

Ciao.

P.S- As you noticed, the lovely "TTC" ticker is gone, since we decided that we were mentally and emotionally ready earlier than anticipated; we are no longer going to be counting down : ) Don't get too excited we are still waiting...but the time will be unknown now : )

Wow

I have to remember this day forever. And since I'm documenting it, it shouldn't be that hard to return to. But today started off normal as usual. I woke up first. Took care of the animals, did some internet surfing, then woke up Hubby for church. We played pillow fight and then ate some breakfast. Went to church.

Today at church it was our Pastor Appreciation Weekend. They perform songs and offerings for the pastors to show how much they are appreciated at church. We donated a couple hundred a few weeks back. We already made that money back by the way...

Anywho, we had a pastor from another church come, and he was quite refreshing and funny. But the funniest thing of all, once how today, God answered many of prayers. First...the doubt I struggle with for the past few weeks. The untimely, annoying, and painstaking doubt that clouds my mind from time to time when I get alone.

"What if God isn't real?"
"What if I'm just giving money to people who taken advantage of me?"
"What if I follow all these rules and change my life, just for nothing?"

Those are the horrible, yet human thoughts that flood my mind from time to time. Today...was different though. This pastor spoke about how the gifts of God may come through your pastors. He explained that they are very important and vital to our learning, because God has anointed them to teach and show us better living and Godly walks in life. He explained when you give to them, you are really appreciating them and gaining favor. Now I've heard this many times before. But today was different. He explained that in some parts of the eastern hemisphere of the world many people walk to their kings, rulers, etc and they bow down to them. They lay whatever problems, issues, etc at their feet. This is asking them for permission to be in their presence. If you get up, and they make any sort of nod, smile, or recognition towards you, this means that they have recognized you and blessed you. Then you walk backgrounds, never turning your back from them. You walk until you have reached a point where you can bow again, to thank them, and then turn right or left to exit.

He said with that blessing "24 Every place whereon the sole of your foot shall tread shall be yours" --Duet 11:24 which he said told us every place where you walk, victory will follow. 

He asked if anyone wanted to try this. Over half the church stood. Including hubby and I. We walked to the front and waited while couple by couple everyone began doing this. 


My body began to involuntary shake. I started crying profusely. I was confused myself! I had never felt this way before. My hubby was crying as well. When it was our turn we held hands, and walked to the front and bowed down. I can't even explain this in such rich detail for you to even comprehend the feelings that overcame me. I think I had the holy ghost. And I laid all my problems at their feet. And suddenly understood that God wants me to do this. He wants me to realize these two humans, are not abusing me or trying to scam me. As I saw tears from their eyes and great appreciation and even some unbelief to their eyes. I realized if they were truly false, they would be prideful sitting there and expecting this behavior for us. Smug in their own selfishness. But they weren't. And it was the best experience for both of us. I realized that I wanted to do God's will forever and ever. And that he is the leader in my life and I want to live through him. No more questioning for me. 


Secondly, afterward we went out to eat with friends. During conversation we were asked about children. 

Prepared to give my usual 

"Well we are just waiting until..."

Hubby proudly said 

"Yeah, I'm pretty ready for a baby"

AKDJASFHJAKLGHJLAHJGHJKSHGDFJK!!! 
Yes, this is what I literally did in my head to keep me from passing out on my salad. After dinner, when we were alone...I asked hubby about it. And he confirmed. He is ready for spawn. Wow. I told him I would of preferably liked if he would have told me this in private first, because he's never told me, but whatever! I couldn't believe it. In fact I asked several times, and he kept laughing and saying he thought 'I knew' (how man like.).


I told him...that I have been waiting for him to tell me this for almost 2 years. 

He said "Well here's your two week notice."

Needless to say I was smiling from ear to ear. 


My hubby is ready for kids. That means we are both ready. Part One is complete. Yay!!! SUCCESS! THANK YOU JESUS! Part Two is in the works. Now that he feels ready, I want him to get excited, anxious, and anticipating the big event! I always said after he said he was ready, we needed a few more months to mentally prepare!  This makes the process more exciting for both of us! Not only that, but I guess I better get in baby making shape. I still need doctors visits, dentists visits, easy exercise, and of course 3 months of prenatal pills before trying (and of course if he has a job again and we become stable again). I am extremely overjoyed at the moment, and thankful that God has heard my prayers and my hearts desire. 


Whew, I wrote a lot...but it was a lot to comprehend. Like I said, I have to remember this date forever. 


Ciao.

Fire Dreams

I had the craziest dream that I was staying with my pastor's family (in a huge home) and their house caught on fire. They all got into their car and drove away with me running behind. I saw one of our friends, the driver, look at me through the mirror so I knew she saw me running. They still left me. I thought about all my stuff I would lose in that home (suitcases and such). I was supposed to be going back to my dad's house (in ohio) that night too. Anywho, my neighbor came to her door (cause apparently their huge house was where I live) and she was shocked...because I started to catch on fire! I said to myself

"Don't freak out, calm down, drop and roll around on the ground" 

And I started to that, but no one helped me in the dream, not my pastor, my friends, my neighbor. No one. Then I woke up.

This is what I got about dreams on fire:

"Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing...It represents your drive, motivation, and creative energy."

Hmm...what about the house and  me catching on fire?

To dream that you are being burned by fire, indicates that your temper is getting out of control.  Some issue or situation is burning you up inside.

To dream that a house is on fire, indicates that you need to undergo some transformation. If you have recurring dreams of your family house on fire, then it suggests that you are still not ready for the change or that you are fighting against the change. Alternatively, it highlights passion and the love of those around you.

 Wow...that's really interesting...I wonder what I'm fighting, maybe the baby desire? So,what about the fact no one helped me and I felt alone?

To dream that you are or feel helpless, suggests that you are experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself.

To dream that you are alone, indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understand you.

 

What about the fact that my pastor and friends took off without  me? And the neighbor who only stared out to me...??

To dream that you have been betrayed, represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation.  This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time. 

To dream that you are abandoned, suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes... Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are feeling neglected or that your feelings are being overlooked.

Well, I think I can piece this together...I think a lot of has to do with me giving into God, and really trying to change my life to be a better christian. But no matter what, theirs always that slight doubt in the back of my mind that I fight with. Telling me what if it's not true, and what if things don't change for you. BUT I fight the devil with scripture and keep on going to church, and feeding myself the word. Because faith only comes by hearing the word of God. And I want to build my faith, it's OK if the devil tries to misguide me, HE IS A LIAR!

 Ciao.

La la la

Well last night felt pretty good coming home from walking Amia (dog) and hubby coming home around the same time (first time we've met up at home all week)! Storms came and lights went out, but I kinda liked it, cause we ended up playing a fun computer game and ordering pizza. Sometimes I like when God reminds us of the little things we forget. The electric came back on shortly and our pizza arrived and we watched TV,  and then went on our separate ways for the night. Him, back to his graphics for work and me watching the Friday's Flick Pick on Lifetime (hehe).

I did feed into my baby desire last night by reading some WTTC (waiting [to] try to concieve) blogs and forums, which made me feel better knowing there are sooo many other women in my same stance right now. So it doesn't make me crazy at all. It's nice they have support with each other and keep each other occupied long enough to help pass the time.

Hubby and I also had a chat last night, and of course I let the B word slip out. But to my surpise he just said

"We will...probably really soon, yeah pretty soon"

This is good. This is very good. Now I'm sure as a man he was talking out of his you know where, but I know in man language this means

"I think I'm considerably ready"

Now in real life, I know that if he is considerably ready, we have to wait a few more months. My master plan is whenever he says he's ready or he wants to...that I make him wait longer. I know this defies the logic of my whollleee idea to get pregnant sooner, but remember I don't want a baby NOW. I want him to want to start a family SOON. I actually don't want a baby right now, no matter how crazy I sound talking about it on a daily basis. I actually really want my hubby to get more excited about it and for him to want him as bad I do. THEN try for a baby. It will be an exciting and anxious experience on both ends for us. Does this make sense?

Basically, I really think hubby is ready and wants to start a family fairly soon, but I know he wants to get this business off and running as well as a stable back up career (full time job). Once he gets settled in this I think he will be more than ready. And I'm willing to wait for that! Honestly! No matter how baby crazed I appear, I'm willing to wait for that, I JUST CAN'T WAIT cause I'm so excited and anxious for THAT moment.

I sort of just had a revelation with myself through this...I don't want a baby (well I do A LOT) but I really just want hubby to be on board with the idea. I can wait, but I'm super excited about going through the experience together...that's what I'm waiting for.

Anywho, work has been allright. I have to remember that I'm doing the best I can do, and it will take some getting used to. They like to 'play everything by ear' and that's not gonna work with me, because if your house doesn't have structure how do you plan on keeping your furniture together?? (That was probably a bad metaphor but you get it?) Basically if the staff aren't organized why in the world would the kids be organized and happy?

La la la...

Ciao.

I told myself.

That's right. I told myself. I said "SELF...you need to get it together!!" Quite surely you can straighten up and get your life together and wait a measly 9 more months before you car wreck your mind about this whole baby business. And then I said "Self...you are right".  I understand this makes me crazy, but it's ok because I took an oath (and student loan) to work with crazy people such as myself.

This teen director stuff is quite hectic and unorganized. Hopefully it gets more structured. This is a deal breaker if it doesn't.

Ciao.

Baby Desire Blurb #4

Today is just one of those days. No matter how much I try to not think about it, the thought resounds in my mind all day long. I guess it started because today we had CPR class, and someone in my class is very pregnant. And I watched her while she rubbed her belly and tapped it while trying to sense a kick or feel. And I just longggged for that RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT! I just wanted to run home and jump in the bed with my husband. But he's at work anyway so I'm here myself, and clearly...it's not going to happen. LOL

And then I started doing the most ridiculous things like...wondering if I was that .001% who miraculously became pregnant and just didn't know it?? I always felt that accidental pregnancies are a bit easier than planned ones. Because you already aren't expecting it and you kinda have to go with the flow. When your planning, your thinking, eating, breathing and living ovulation dates, and fertility. It's just not as fun. I actually would much rather prefer playing around now, then waiting to a final date to start 'trying'. I never asked my husband, but I assume that he'd like an accidental too rather than planned. He really doesn't like much planned anyway.

But I have had a visit from AF so...pretty sure that's almost as unlikely as me getting pregnant here by myself right now.

Ugh--I know I sound ridiculous but the good thing is that it doesn't last long for me. Hopefully tomorrow the feeling will subdue so I can try to painfully live out these next few months before we down to the business!

Ciao.

New beginnings...

So last week was a majorly important week for both Hubby and I. He was making a crucial decision between staying here in Columbia or possibly moving to another state for a job offer. We both continued with our fast and meditations and I let him know I supported him through whatever he decided. Well yesterday on the way out from church we spoke with a member who gave encouragement and inspiration towards hubby's decision. He then decided we would remain here in Columbia. Unless the offer became better oppurtunity for us.

Anywho, so I have been happily happy the last few days. My fast is over and I'm proud of myself.

I know things haven't been great as far as what they used to be...but we have really adapted to our life and adjusted our lifestyle to fit. And I'm perfectly content. There is nothing more I can ask for. I can't understand how different our lives have changed since the lay offs...but in a good way. We learned to appreciate each other, manage our time together, and live on a very VERY limited income. But God is good and he is good all the time. And I just can't wrap my brain around it. But I'm just as happy as I was before...but for better reasons. And my character has grown and matured and I feel that together we are stronger and that we could do more together (including babies!)

Hubby picked up a month long temporary job. I'm excited because he's happy to get out of the house and start working a bit on a normal 8-5 schedule again for a bit. He's not doing it for the pay, but just the ability to do it. Coincidentally, I begin my job and the last week of shadowing, which is my hours in the evening. So, it's a total 180 now, I'm going to be home all day and he will be gone all day! So it's back to house chores and cooking for me...but that's ok now. I'm ready for it! And hopefully this temporary job tides him over until his new company opens back up, which is hopefully soon....

Ciao.

Fair enough

God’s word for you today: Roll all your problems onto God.

Fair enough.

Today as early as it is, and as much thinking as I should not legally be allowed to do at this time of morning...I've been bothered with some thoughts. I'm not sure why I feel like this, but there are some things in my life I am trying to change. And some relationships I want to change...but then there are some parts of me that don't (and really ever haven't) felt welcome to those relationships. It's like in the past, I may have been the one to keep the barriers up between the building relationships, but over the years and especially now I am trying to go back and fix them. But it's like no matter what, I always just feel like I don't belong. And that those relationships will never blossom into what could have been. I will try not to let them get to me, but as time goes on, it just bothers me. Can't do much from here. "Why try to be someone you are not around those who don't care?"

Have you ever felt like you just didn't belong or fit in somewhere?
(BTW- I know no one answers these questions (at least publicly) and that's OK. I don't write for an audience, I write to help my myself, and hope that somewhere down the line I can help someone else.)

Ciao.

Hello, Patience.

So God really does come through in the time of need! I have been mediating, just about every moning but today (and will do so later) about patience and building my relationship (trust and faith) with God. And he has instilled quite a few key things to my heart.

I have become patient. With alot of things. I know I still need to continue to practice it, but I've become patient in driving, cooking, serving my husband (YES, you read right! LOL), focusing on myself, and being anxious about the future.

I'm proud of myself, and I know not everyone including my husband can see the difference, but I CAN! And that's all that I need to know. Mediatating daily on the word has been like spiritual food for my soul...I can't explain how cutting music this week and replacing it with christian songs and Joyce Meyers has really helped. Now I'm not saying that I will never go back to regular music...after this week's fast I intend to, however...I know that I will be incorporating the christian radio station I found and more Joyce Meyer podcasts.

Now, how about the baby thing? I've become slightly more patient with that. Like before I was a whopping 90% I WANT IT NOW...and now I'm like 65% I still want bad...but I guess I can wait a bit longer. Not much of obvious difference, but I haven't been talking about it much around hubby and I haven't been focusing on it a lot. I know it will never go away, but this is pretty good.

Also, so you remember how last sunday I said

"So today at church, I felt myself give in. Give in 100% to God's will. Meaning fighting the human side of me and not wanting to whole heartedly give extra tithes and understanding the purpose of moving forward with God."

We gave a large amount of money to the church this past sunday. Would you not believe that yesterday I got a check for the same amount + more? An old 401k from a job I used to have, cashed out and sent me a check since I never touched it. And it's wierd because I probably would have never actually went to get that money out, even when we could really use that money now!

I'd like to think there's some good from that :o)

Oh. I love my blackberry. I love it.I love it. I love it. Now will I be bored with it in a month? Josh thinks so. Place your bets below.

Ciao.

Black Berried.

I finally got a blackberry. I am addicted.

Ciao.

Spiritual Fast Part II

So...clarifications. I am overwhelmed.

Hubby predicted this would happen. I took a simple concept such a fasting and blew it out of porportion way to soon. Now, you would think giving up TV, Music, Games, and Blogs would be easy for a week? I did too.

This week has been really rough already, and I thought to myself...why am I so irritable lately? I'm doing everything like I'm supposed to do, right? Why don't I feel better at all?

My answer came today...I am so overwhlemed with learning the new job and training for it, doing the complete fast and diving into another level of spiritual relations [that I truly do want!] and trying to be an extra perfect wife for my hubby [ I have been much kinder, and more supportive in the past week! Yay me] I have just been overwhelmed. I feel there is too much at one time going on for me.

Today I was stressing out, about whether or not I know that everything I'm doing is right. That's when hubby stepped in and told me..."

"Whoa, your spazzing...."

I didn't want to admit it cause I didn't want to feel like a quitter...and after all wouldn't God be upset with me?? Well...after I discussed it, I felt like I'm sure God's not happy with me running around just trying to do a fast because it's novel and exciting to me. Not for the true reasons. It's hard to admit that, but I feel comfortable about it on here. And it's how I feel.

NOTHER THING...

Ok, today I mediatated on "Pregnancy and patience". I was inspired by God [with the help from joyce myers!] that there is a season for everything. And we should not be miserable while waiting for our seeds to harvest! In fact, chances are since God knows your heart's desires he's waiting for you to build character and PATIENCE. I just realized that yes, everyone knows I'd like a baby soon, BUT I need to be patient and wait. That's it. It will be a challenge. What I did, was wrote down this verse ---->

"But as for me, I trust in you, O' Lord; I say, "You are my God."
  My times are in Your hand;"

And I kept in on a sticky tab. That I will carry around with me. And whenever I feel tempted to act on impatience...I will recite this. Trust me...I'll know it by memory after a few days :)

In conclusion [#Side note: when I was in undergraduate I used to always finish my concluding paragraphs with In Conclusion...people who used to proofread my paper would make fun of me for capitlizaing both words...like I was yelling IN CONCLUSION!] [its probably not as funny anymore..] [sorry for wasting your time] I basically decided that I am still going to fast...but I'm taking it more slow this time...I'm going down to Blogs and Music. I have really enjoyed not having to listen to garbage music or having to read garbage online. :)

Ciao.

Baby Desire Blurb #3

Disclaimer: This is really a rant.

 Hubby told me in so many words today

"Don't mention baby' in any of your future Face Book statuses. People will just think your annoying."

Let me translate this for you in Man-Language

"I'm really tired of you talking about babies and I don't care for them right now, so please stop posting them everywhere because your just annoying me."

Nice.

So I'm back to square one. Sometimes I feel like I've left the square, but really I just sort of walked around it, but never left it. Hubby is slow as molasses when it comes to this business, and I will be overjoyed when the day comes and he's actually...desiring it. I just feel like that day will be forever from now. And I mean forever.

This blog is my only and true friend who appreciates all of my baby talk. Because seriously, I hate it. That's right. I HATE IT.  But you see, unlike my hubby, I can not STOP thinking about it. It crowds my thoughts during the days, and disturbs my sleep at night. It hangs over me all the time and EVERYTIME I think I've beat it for the day...someone else pops up pregnant. And it's just enough to make me break down and scream. Not because I wish it were me, but more because it's just this uncontrollable urge that will not release itself from my ovaries!!

I am so frustrated with myself. For being so baby crazy. And for my annoying my husband. I wish he truly understood the feeling and how maternal it is for me. I hate the way I act when it comes to wanting babies, but it's like my body has a mind of it's own.

I have tried everything. Making timelines, creating baby bucket lists, staying busy, counting down, planning to not mention it for months at a time, limit my talk, read books about it, scare myself from it, and lastly blogging. Because if talking about it here doens't help...I think I will just explode into a million pieces. I feel so crazy and out of control...almost obsessed with the thoughts, and how I can't control the word vomit from spewing from my lips. I just wish he understood what that feeling is like...

Ciao.

Baby Desire Blurb #2

Yes.
This is my third entry in one day.
I just have a public service announcement.

Can everyone please stop having babies?! It's driving me mad.

THANKS. 

 

Spiritual Fasting Part I

So today at church, I felt myself give in. Give in 100% to God's will. Meaning fighting the human side of me and not wanting to whole heartedly give extra tithes and understanding the purpose of moving forward with God. I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous...and feeling quite out of my element with this. I hope I'm doing things right and not jumping in to fast.

I am doing a 'fast'. Now this is more of a non traditional 'fadst' as they call it. I have given up some humanly flesh related desires. Television, music, blogs and computer games, that aren't inspirational. Starting today at 5pm! I only say 5 pm because I did play my computer game when I came back from church. But I spent like 2 hours straight on it, and seeing how much time I spent on that...I guess makes it easier to stay away from.

Now, from my understanding since I am fasting from these desires for a week, I am going to replace the time I spend with them, to learn more about my will for God.  I'm hoping this notion will bring fulfillment and wisdom to my life. Also I want to focus on my jealousy and envy, and baby desires.

I'm excited because lately I was beginning to feel just as close to God as I was years ago, when I first started attending church on my own, with friends, the summer before college. But  I realized that this fasting will take me to a whole new level of closeness with God. I have not been there before in my life. I'm scared and excited. I am putting my trust in him; Me and my husband are hoping to get some fulfillment and answers during the next week :) Have you ever fasted?

Ciao.

Something amazing...

Is going to happen. Ahhh, I can't even explain myself or my reasonings. It's just simply faith. Hubby and I have really turned out spirtual life around almost a complete180. The church we've been going to, we both enjoy alot.

But things are really starting to take a turn, because it feels like since we've asked God to keep us in his will, he's been bringing imperative people and instruction to our lives. No one could have planned it like this. Not a coincidence. So hubby is taking the big leap and deciding to go ahead and venture into starting his own career. I have been pushing for this for many months always telling him

"The time is now, do it now"
"Get started right now, because things can get complicated later"
"Do it now!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" 

Finally I sat him down and with some spiritual guidance from within, he decided he was going to jump in and do it. I am so proud of him. He can do anything he puts his mind to and more. And with God on our side, who can be against us?


Ciao.

P.S. I've been having some tense baby desires !!