My 2011 Resolutions (a blogging tradition)

Hope everyone had a fantabulous (what the??) Christmas!!

BUT first I want to mention that I am ON MY WAY 17 WEEKS!!  And guess what? I totally feel pregnant. And look pregnant for the most part. Which is a plus :) I can't believe that I feel the baby move this early too! I can only feel it from the inside (what they call quickening), and not hubby yet. But monkey moves a lot during the day and night, it feels like thumping, slivering and sometimes just bopping along, it's crazy! Sometimes monkey thinks it's a good day to crowd one corner my lower abdomen and it hurts, when I give it pudge, it feels really hard but then monkey moves away and it goes back normal.



Now onto the resolutions...


Well since I'm new to blogger since...about 6 months ago (still newbie status?!) Back on Xanga I had a tradition of every single year posting my previous years resolutions and reflecting on them, and then posting my new years resolutions for the incoming year. I've been doing this since...forever. And the tradition continues again...

Here is 2010's resolutions:
My 2010 Resolutions written on December 17, 2009

Continue my growth with God:
I think this year, God has tested me a little bit, especially in my faith, but I think each time I have preserved and continue to love him and praise him. When we get back home we are finally going to start going to churches, so HOPEFULLY, we can get to a church at least once this year!! Actually I KNOW we will attend at least once this year, it would be ultimately great to find a home church and have a church we enjoy being a part of.

Guess what?? We totally found a home church this year and officially joined in the early fall. I feel that both my relationship and growth with God has been tremendous this year, and although I don't feel I'm where I should be ideally, I feel I have definitely completed this resolution!

Stay in shape:
Although, I have put a good 5-10 pds this year, everyone swears it's a healthy looking thickness for me, and since I've stopped my BC I haven't really lost much of it so I'm thinking it's here to stay. I just want to get in shape though, lose what little belly fat I have, and also feel energized and eat healthy. With my hectic schedule coming up this year, I'll need to def. have the strength to not lose my mind and/or get obese!!

I had put some weight during 2010, I was the biggest I've ever been, 125 pds.I know that's not a lot to most people, but I've always struggled with keeping weight on for years so it was nice to be up to 125(I usually stayed at 105-110)! Hubby and I did P90X in the spring and that helped us out a ton. And now that I'm pregnant....it doesn't matter :)


Travel a bit:
I def. want year 2010 to be a great exp for traveling different places, if God willing, go to Vegas, Mexico, Texas, a cruise, and skiing/staying in a cabin!! That's a lot of things, but I plan on being active this year...because who knows what 2011 may bring!

This year we went to Vegas, Mexico, Texas (twice!!), Florida, back to Ohio, and that was enough for one year!! I had so much fun this year! I still want to go on a cruise and stay in a cabin but it might not happen this year.


Finish school finally!:
Finally, finish my internship as non complicated as possible, if all goes well, I will finish either in Fall quarter or in Winter quarter either way I SHOULD graduate before 2011! So I'm looking forward to doing well in my intern, although I'm nervous about it...It should be a good experiences regardless.

Well I finished!! I graduted September 11, 2010!! Hallelujah! My experience in internship was sooo amazing,even with some of the trials I went through.

Joshua and Me:
We have done so good together and I feel like marriage is great so far and that I find new reasons to fall in love with him all over again. I'm so blessed to be married to someone who loves me for who I am and supports me for anything. I'm just so happy with him and I only see better things coming from us together....including...HAVING A BABY! Since I've been so baby on the brain for almost a year and half now, I think we sort of know it's going to happen sooner than we think. Most likely trying towards the end of next year...so we'll see!! I'm super excited! Such great new experiences!

Well obviously...the main goal here was achieved :)


My 2011 Resolutions 
These are going to short and sweet this year  (This is the shortest list I've ever had!!)

Maintain steady relationship with God: 
I hate that sometimes I can be super faithful and reading my bible at the crack of dawn every morning, listening to Joyce Meyer radio to and from work, and just being holy all day long! And then the other times, I barely remember to pray once a day to thank God for my blessings. I have learned over the years that my personality tends to go from one end of the spectrum to the other. I decide I'm going to read 100 books, start on first 3 and decide I want to take Art Classes. I'm just a mess. And this story is unrelated, I digress.  Basically I need to learn this year how to maintain a STEADY relationship with God.


Balance being a mother and wife:
The last few months just being pregnant has really overshadowed my identity and role with my husband and everyone else around me. Everything is BABY, BABY, BABY.On my facebook it's all baby status and baby updates. I can't help it, I'm very excited and looking forward to everything in my new phase of life. But I do know I've also been neglecting Josh as a husband (let's keep it G-Rated people :) because all I want to talk about is baby stuff and not about us anymore. I think it's important for me to learn the balance.


How did you learn to balance wife role and mother role with your first child? And also how when did you feel quickening of your baby? What about a real first kick??

I want to make sure any readers and passerbyers may leave me a comment if you like. I've left the comments open, you can remain anonymous, just let me know your response, HELP ME OUT :)

Happy New Year Folks, and See ya in 2011!
Ciao.

Why I love my Husband Reasons #256-258

Now I know most married women love their husband, and I'm sure that's the case in MOST relationships, but I don't just love my husband for mundane things like: He has yet to leave me because I'm incredibly lazy. But more importantly because of the little random things over the years that have slowly tugged on my heart strings and made me love him even more.

#256: He taught me that peanut butter jelly sandwiches are not made with knifes. 

I KNOW RIGHT!! This will blow your mind. First of all, if your wondering about why I have a dancing banana then google it. Second of all...YES, the knife is not the ideal utensil for peanut butter jelly sandwiches.

When I first started dating my husband (and I mean the first few months) I was over his house and he offered me a snack. So we agree on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and proceed to the kitchen to gather our utensils. We began making it...and I like many taught americans grab the knife. He stops me..."What are you doing?"...I look at him holding a spoon...and bust out laughing. WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!! And he said "Use a spoon, it's so much easier to get out and spread" And of course I tried to fight this logic because EVERYONE IS TAUGHT FIRST YOU GET THE KNIFE, AND YOU SPREAD IT, YOU SPREAD IT (singing the song). No one ever says first you get the spoon?!

Anywho long story short...I realized...that he was right. And I found him so attractive because he was so logically different. And till this day when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I always grab a spoon and think about it. <3

#257 He predicted our relationship wayyyy before I ever FATHOMED it.

 My husband has this wierd way of predicting things and doing the whole "I told you so" thing later because I never listen. Well before we started dating, we used to chat on AOL Instant Messenger, remember that? I saved our chats (lame) but here is what was said about 7 or 8 years ago.

JCIZZLE1605: im ur friend and im trying to be better friends wit u because i think ur a special person
JCIZZLE1605: like real coo
nIyAsTaRz04: but my personal opionon,
JCIZZLE1605: wuts ur opinion
nIyAsTaRz04: that i dont think it was supposed to happen with us, otherwise it would have
nIyAsTaRz04: but i think we make a great team of friends
JCIZZLE1605: i never say never becuase i think anythings possible
JCIZZLE1605: and everything has a chance
nIyAsTaRz04: i always liked talking to you
nIyAsTaRz04: we always had good talks
JCIZZLE1605: i know!!!!!!!
JCIZZLE1605: u the one watch 32years form now were gonna be married
JCIZZLE1605: watch
JCIZZLE1605: =-O
nIyAsTaRz04: lol
nIyAsTaRz04: that's NEVER gonna happen
nIyAsTaRz04: im going to bed
JCIZZLE1605: damn 

Ok so I was mean to him early on, but he was persistent! And this was when we were still in high school, so we couldn't spell or had LAME screen names. Anywho, so clearly he jedi mind tricked me into dating him soon after that, and then into being his wife and NOW into having his baby!! And I love him for that <3 

#258 He's an innovator. 

I have been telling my husband for years...to do what you love for a career. He's talented beyond words in music, graphics, videos, and pretty much anything he wants to be. But I have always seen his talent and love for those things, and I try to push him to put himself out there and do what his heart really desires. I'm his biggest fan, even though I could do more to show it at times, I have seen him from the first graphic ever...to the video he's making right now about our baby! He's amazing and creative it just makes me sick!! So I decided to post his website in hopes that if anyone wants to see just how talented and completey understand and appreciate reason #258 FULLY, to visit the link below:

CLICK HERE FOOLS!

Happy Holidays and Ciao!!

 

To relax or not to relax...

So...since I have been pregnant, I have NOT treated my hair with a relaxer. Actually I have not even taken care of my hair since I've been pregnant. I would say I'm about 19 weeks post in my relaxer. This means, that I haven't had a relaxer (chemical straightner) for 19 weeks. On average most African Americans who relax get one between 4-6 weeks. Some less, some more. My hair has never been this long without chemical. And it shows. I recently took down a sew in I had last month, and having to talk to my hair again was a challenge! Such a challenge, that I debated about getting a relaxer again, and just going back to the way things were (my hair was actually the best health and length before I got pregnant). OR...since we are broke anyway just to continue with the transitioning from relaxed to natural hair.

My husband supports my natural journey, surpsingly. Although he, at first has unrealistic expectations of what real 'natural' hair looks like for many african americans. I showed him a cluster of photos of what he'd like my natural hair to look like...he chose this:

Now, this is really cute, and if my natural hair was this loose and wavy I'd be sooo on he gravy train for natural hair. But I told him the reality is if I'm lucky and learn how to style my natural hair...it would look like this:

He said that was fine too, as long as it wasn't an afro like this:

 

This make me laugh, cause he doesn't realize that most afro's are just blown out hair of the above ladies. 

Anywho, so this is my debate...right now, I made the big mistake of blow drying my hair...because it's just huge and non-manageable. I can't even get a comb through my new growth (which is the new growth of my hair that isn't chemically relaxed). And dealing with the two different textures is beyond frustrating. But I guess I'll keep trucking,  maybe getting some braids or something in the mean time. I'm also wondering at what point will I do the "Big Chop" if I choose to. The big chop is basically a term that women who are transitioning decide once they have enough new growth, they permanently cut off their previous relaxed hair. This is usually how this looks:

This...is not something I am mentally prepared to do yet. When women "BC" it's an empowering mental strength required! This is because you are taking down your coat of who you are or what you hide behind, or what has been your identity for years...and showing the real 'you'. It's scary and I'm not quite ready yet. I still think about what people will think of me, will they laugh? I still worry about what my hubby will really think, will he find me unattractive? And I very much get scared of how I will think of myself, will I regret it?

I'm just not ready. But I know I'm ready to transition to natural, and continue this crazy journey...lesson #1...don't blow dry your hair.

Ciao.

Hellooo Second Trimester!

I can't believe it. Literally. I can't believe I'm still pregnant at times! Like...in June...this baby will have to come out (somehow...) and then I'll live with her for all my life...and she'll make decisions, go to college, fall in love, and make babies of her own one day. It boggles my mind more and more...

Things have changed...quite drastically. I feel well...different. NO ONE TELLS YOU about some of the craziness that comes with pregnancy. NO ONE!! First of all...without sounding too whiny, I would have liked to known that:

• Suddenly I would get these awful gut wrenching headaches EVERY TIME I stand up for about several seconds. 
• That my body is running shop like it knows what it's doing! My pelvis is so sore, I'm not sure what's going on down there but it hurts and it's so uncomfortable especially at night.
• I would burp and fart like a teenage boy. And ALL THE TIME!

Anyhow--

I'm eating all the time and it's awesome. A little two awesome because I weighed 113 pds about 2 weeks ago, and today I weigh 116. That's about a pound and half per week. And supposedly you gain about 25-35 pounds during pregnancy, but I weighed 125 pre pregnancy and lost weight during the first trimester (about 13 pounds). So I'm not sure if I should be 140 or 150 pounds? The weight I'm gaining now is only in my stomach...which I feel like I'm showing already.

I still haven't purchased anything...but we aren't the position to really buy any unnecessary pregnancy things right now I suppose. If things were different I'm sure I would have blown lots of money on stupid stuff. The one thing I kinda really want is a pregnancy pillow. I have such a hard time getting comfy. Especially since I have hubby on one side (laying crooked, or in the center) then have my cat on side and my dog on the other side...it's too much sometimes.

I think I should buy monkey something...something to make it more real you know? Like a little pair of socks or something? Hehehe, I guess after we find out boy/girl (girl!).

Allright
I'm off now...
Ciao.

Almost 200 Visitors!

I know that's not alot to...well anyone. But that's pure awesomeness to me! It mean almost 200 random (or fav vistors) read my blog, which makes me feel like someone has been sharing my joys and pains :) And this is why I write, and also because it helps me sort out thoughts and feelings, blah blah blah...

I'm halfway through my 12th week of pregnancy, and wow, things have really turned around for the better. My nausea has really stopped, of course I throw up randomly once a week, and I gag maybe once or twice, but hey, I'll take that over dreading to get up every single morning until after 12 pm, eating crackers *gag*.
Anywho, now that my nausea has been lifted, MY APETITE HAS RETURNED....WITH A VEGENANCE! I love to eat, and the last few months have been hard because I've lost all desire to eat real food. But since the middle of last week I've been eating...and eating...and growing...and eating. I totally have a baby belly!

 

Wish I could make this...upside, but the uploader thing here is lame. Anywho, that was beginning of my 11/12th week, I think?  Now I logically thought I would show sooner because I'm so thin. But I read it actually took many thin women longer to show because their babies were often tiny. Well either my baby is huge or I'm just getting overly fat already, because that's big to me! And I thought well maybe its bloat...but my stomach now looks like this first thing in the morning! I dp not blame the bloat, but think my lovely bun in the oven is moving up and out of the pelvic area and since my abdomen is 2 inches smaller then normal people, I suppose things may move a bit more rapidily.

I sometimes still think about miscarriage, but since coming into my 12/13th week, honestly my worst fears are still set aside. I think any other worrying or thinking about it is a natural instinct as "mother". For the most part I talk to my monkey, sing Christmas songs to her, I tickle her and play patty cake...I know...wierd!

And you may have noticed I said 'her', and it's because I think monkey is a girl! EVERYONE else especially on my hubby's side wants it to be a boy, because my hubby is the last carrier of the last name. So if we have a boy the name will live on. Now of course I don't think we will have just one baby, as long as we are able to, so if it doesn't happen this time..maybe next time??

I think monkey is a girl because of a few reasons:

• Her heart rate has always been super high, 178 is high! And research has showed girls tend to carry higher heartbeats than boys.
• Also, she looks cute.
• And because I was so sick! They say the extra estrogen in baby's developing body along with mother causes more sickness. 
• Also, TMI, but they say that mens female swimmers last longer than male swimmers. So since I charted that cycle I knew I had released an egg a few days after BD'ing...so scientifically most of the male swimmers would have died off or probably went to the wrong tube like retards who don't ask for directions. While the 'smarter' females took their time and sought after the egg for a 3 day voyage. 
• Also...THIS! Let's go back in time... 

Wednesday, September 22

Also what was also wierd was in the dream I was hanging up a pink babies bath robe on a white hook in the room...it was like I was preparing for a baby girl? Hmm... Honestly--I just think it's Gods way of preparing me for it! But I thought it was funny having a dream hanging up the baby bath robe because in August I dreamed I peed on a stick and it was positive. That was about 2 weeks before I got a the positive. And even though it was not sticky, this time around if I am I know it will be!

I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks later with this dream as well :)

Now I know all these aren't hard and fast rules/facts, most being wives tales, but it's still exciting to think about right?! Boy or girl, I can't wait to feel monkey move! I think I feel some stuff going on in there, but I don't know if it's monkey or the 3 pound bowl of cereal I ate.

Well I'm off to get stuff done today since I feel good!
Ciao.

A birthday surprise

Yesterday was my 11/12 week appointment to hear the heartbeat. You know, this was a nervous and scary time for me, since I had been silently worried about losing it. My parents came to visit us this thanksgiving, since I've been feeling so bad and couldn't really cook for hubby this year. So my step mom, hubby and I all went to the doctors appoitment.

I was nervous but everything started off pretty normal. Got inside the small room and laid down on the patient bed. The nurse grabbed the fetal doppler and began squirting the cold gel on my tummy. She started searching...it felt like hours went by but I knew it had only been about one minute. She couldn't find it. She told me not worry it could be hiding and she'd try again. But still...she couldn't find it. She said she would go get the doctor and he'd be sure to find it. While she left, I looked at my step mom. She looked uneasy but just stayed smiling. I looked at my husband and he just kept saying "Everything's gonna be fine..." more so trying to convince himself than me. I had mixed emotions, most of me was hanging on my faith by a thread "They are gonna find it". And then another small side of me "This is it...isn't it." I was pretty sure every single person in that room was praying the same prayer I was "Please God, let there be a healthy baby in there".


The doctor came in and after a few moment he could not find it. He simply said we would need to go to the ultrasound room to see the baby. We all walked over there and that process began. Immediately after she put the warm gel, she began telling us to look at the screen. I think I was holding my breath.

And there was a lovely heartbeat. 178 BPM and it was beautiful. Then the picture came...and both hubby and I stared with joker like smiles plastered on our face, as we watched a little human being move about on the screen!! It was AWESOME. Now I had showed hubby you tube videos of ultrasounds at 11 weeks, how the babies move. But it still shocked him to pieces to see OUR baby move! He recorded the short clip on his phone and so far I watch it about every few hours or so...I love it. The baby is moving her arms and looks like she sucks her thumb or laughing. Everyone says she looks like me because her face is real slender and not round like my hubbys.

I'm so in love already. And so happy that I'm a mile stone step closer to the second trimester (one week away!) and feel more confident in this pregnancy.

Not only did that happen on my last day of work until next week, but today I get to spend lots of time with my parents and hubby, and I'm feel much better and can't wait to eat, but tommorow I'm gonna do a bit of shopping and get my hair done (finally!) and Saturday I have a 4 hour prenatal spa day courtesy of my hubby!! All with no work, and just time to relax and enjoy this. IM SO HAPPY!!

What a wonderful birhday surprise.

Happy Birthday to Me, and Happy Gobble Gobble Day to you and yours :)

Week 10 and still going...I think.

I know it's still horrible I say things like "I think I'm still pregnant". But I mean you hear all the time about the different miscarriages especially the dreaded "Silent Miscarriage" aka the missed miscarriage. When the baby dies but your body carries on the pregnancy...for weeks. It's the most devastating in my opinion. And it's supposed to be rare, but I swear I run into about several woman a month on my baby boards that have come face to face with this terrible fate.

(BTW, I'm watching a movie, and just wonder why EVERY single time a person walks in on a dead bloody person they always get down and start touching them and rubbing their hands in the blood and all over their clothes....random I know)

It's super scary, but I can't help but think about all the possibilities. I have faith that since I'm not bleeding or cramping, that my baby is growing every day. Until the doctor proves me otherwise! My next appointment is next Wed to hear the heart beat. I saw it at 7 weeks, but at 11 weeks I should be able to hear it. Exciting, but I'm nervous! This one sound will really help me breathe easy for at least a little while...

Being pregnant has started off so rough. I last threw up yesterday morning, as soon as I woke up. Today I felt fine. Tomorrow if I don't throw up must mean by morning sickness is weaning. I won't hold my breath for Thursday though, hehe.

My appetite has resurfaced again! Yay! I snack a lot during the day, and in the evenings crave pasta (spaghetti, antipasto, etc) and CAESAR SALAD!  I eat one like every day! I like to think my body is just really wanting lettuce and that's fine with me since its healthy and I love it. At night my favorite snack is popcorn is hot sauce on it! Yum! I love going to bed full, I feel so good. But by the middle of the night during my usual pee time, I feel pretty bad cause my stomach is empty...and the cycle starts all over with me feeling awful in the morning.

In fact I'm on my second bowl of salad for the night, and I'm tired and really enjoy the relaxing time I get all day before work and then in the evenings after work. I LOVE laying around and sleeping. There's lots of things I would rather be doing, but I just don't have the energy to do it at all!

Only 2 more weeks until I hit the second trimester so hopefully I'll be feeling up to par by then!

Ciao.

I'm not dead...and I'm still pregnant!

I know I have disappeared from the face of the earth, both on the internet and in real life. Pregnancy has turned my life into a complete 180! Everything was fine and dandy for about...the first 5 weeks. During the end of my 5th week and moving into my 6th...I was getting so nauseated. Then during my 6th the nausea was worse. During my 7th week the nausea got even worse and I began gagging.

My hubby said "Don't worry about the gagging, you know your not gonna throw up so just try to do everything like normal"

I stopped taking his advice at week 8. Low and behold I had began actually throwing up in the mornings and afternoons. It was the worst! I was reduced down to a vomiting person who lied in bed (partially because I'm sooo tired) from the time she woke up to around 3 pm. I had to go to work for a few hours but luckily I tend to feel better in the afternoons and by evenings can eat food. When I get home from work at 8 pm, I watch tv for an hour and it's back to bed. It's been my schedule since week 6.

I last threw up Monday morning, week 9, and it was as soon as I opened my eyes and rolled over in the bed. It was awful. But since then, I actually been feeling good! This of course worries me, but in the past this feeling has never lasted a day and another morning!

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm super excited because I hate being nauseated, but it's so scary in pregnancy, because you wonder if it's 'normal' and if it means loss of symptoms = loss of baby! Since I had that chemical pregnancy before this pregnancy I really didn't let myself get attached to this baby. But now I'm very attached and would be devastated if anything happened. I know this fears and anxieties are normal, and most people tell me to 'cast them away' and for the most part I am doing that, but I can't help it. My mantra is 'God is working with my body to help create and keep this baby, my body knows what's it doing and so does God'.

We get to hear the heartbeat a day before my birthday...this could make my birthday great, or devastate both my birthday and thanksgiving. I'm sure things will be fine. I had an U/S @ 7 weeks and everything was good and we saw baby's heartbeat. So just gotta make it a few more weeks!!

Well I'm getting lighted headed now (yes!!)

I am pregnant!

What am I doing? Announcing my pregnancy in the early weeks? I know, I'm crazy. I've already been through one early miscarriage, and still I announce it to the world. How can anyone hold a secret this long? Beats me. I'll be 7 weeks next and be able to hear the heartbeat! After that, I'll be able to breathe easy. And honestly, if I miscarry...it will hurt like hell, but God says 'There's next month'. :o)

Anywho, let's get to the good stuff...this entry was written the morning I found out I was pregnant...

Sunday 10/3/10

"This morning I got up. Couldn't sleep, wanted to take my temp. Thought what the 'hey' and took it a bit earlier than normal. Temp sky rocketed. 98.48! And I slept butt naked last night! Decided today was the day. Took a dollar test, a cup, and my cell phone into guest bathroom. (Didn't want to wake up my hubby!) Realized the test box was empty (why did I place an empty box in the cupboard, I'll never know.) Ran back into our bathroom to get new test box. Ripped it open. Peed in cup while ensuring the instructions that I had read so many times had not changed. Put my four drops of pee into window. Sat there like an idiot, staring at the clock. A million things begin running through my mind. No more sleeping late, having to drop the spontaneity, extra bills, careers. I thought to myself "What am I doing". Two minutes pass. I glance down. "Is that a line?". WTF!! Even last month when I had the chemical I HAVE NEVER got a line on the $ Tests. NEVER. And here I was today...with a line. A positive line. Thoughts race. Must get box of FRER (first response)! Had one stick left. Used it quickly with same pee in cup. THAT FASTEST AND DARKEST LINE IN MY LIFE APPEARED!


Dropped to my knees almost crying but thanking God. Only him.


Afterward, I couldn't believe it. But still following suit. Taking a digital test, AS SOON AS ITS HUMANLY OK TO STOP AND GET ONE! It's currently 6:10 am and it's the slowest day ever already. .. I need a digital with hubby to confirm as I have never had positive on digital EVER. This would be quite an amazing thing if I did. If I don't...that's ok...


THANK YOU GOD!


Update @ 10 am: Shortly after I wrote a that took digital (yes, I purchased one at ungodly hours in the morning)...SAID POSITIVE!!


Shared the news with our pastors, they prayed over our seed. Lady M said "It's yours." :)"

What an exciting morning! I got excited just by reading it again, like I didn't know what was gonna happen either! I'm super excited and of course nervous that at any minute any thing could go wrong. But I have incredible support from friends and family, I'm confident if something goes wrong, they'll be just as supportive. I feel incredibly blessed.

Now...I'm happy and bursting at the seams...BUT..I'm also dying!! Morning sickness kicked in slowly this week and full blown the last few days. UGH! It's awful because I'm the sickest in the early AM. LIKE NIGHT TIME! I know! I wake up every night at around 1-3 AM, and feel like puking my guts out. Torture and blessing is so far I haven't. But it's just been awful. Then I have to sit up, even though I'll be so incredibly tired, if I lay down I feel so sick again. Finally it will go away as I fall asleep on a high incline. That's not the worst of it, every morning I feel like CRAP came to visit me, and it goes away for a little bit, and comes back throughout the day to visit. I basically stay sick 24/7, around the clock. Ugh, it's alot, and no one prepared me for all the emotions, and certainly no one gave my hubby the warning I'd have a death hit list on him for just breathing...but we are doing ok. :)

Toodles.

Another challenge...

Yes, I've given myself the ultimate challenge!! A crazy journey that will probably really make me feel like I'm entering a new phase of my life....

I'm going AU NATURALE! With my hair of course, I've decided to stop getting relaxers (straighteners) and to just try to this natural hair thing (curly or textured hair). I've been going back and forth on it for probably years, but I lost count when I got my last relaxer, I believe it was...August 6 (or at least I'll say it was for the time being. So today that would be make me post: Almost 10 weeks post. Not that far along since I usually get relaxers every8-10 weeks, but after this week, THEN, I'll really be pushing the limits of my sanity in my hair.

I'm excited, I got little waves already and so what the heck, chopping off my hair slowly, I have nothing to lose. After all, if it sucks like crazy, I'll just relax it! I'm sure it's more complicated than that, but...it's morning, what do you want from me? :)

Toodles.

I realized.

I realized that I haven't posted for the whole month of October yet! Not one post! I'm sure some people can guess what may be slowing me down...but I'm not ready to release it yet :)

Things have been going good at home, the house has been super messy and things have been out of order all week, and I'm EXHAUSTED. I feel like work is kicking my butt, although I don't do a lot for my job the little work I do kicks my butt! Yesterday all I wanted to do was go home and relax. Today after church, I'm solely relaxing, making dinner and finishing the clothes. I don't want to go out or anything.  Maybe to eat, hehe.

In other news, we are going to Houston the week after this coming week for 4 days!! So excited  for the conference! Well we love to travel so really it's just the packing up and out for the week that I truly love!

I think I'm going to let my hair go natural. I'm tired of relaxers. I know this a big step, but I want to try it now. I haven't had a relaxer since...I can't remember but it's only been about 8-10 weeks probably. I think I'm going to stay away. My hair is breaking off anyway, so I plan to keep getting it cut shorter and shorter gradually. I can straighten my hair now, or eventually do a weave while growing it out. New life stages require new looks!

Also, I think God has been hinting to my hubby and I about a new home. Well we like our home now, but we bought it intentionally as a starter home. Since we've been in it for a few years now, and know a good thing or two about homeownership, we think we may be ready to move on to the big leagues of homebuying....


Building our own home! 

Sounds crazy right? But we always said what we would like in our home, but haven't been able to find in any other homes. So we decided that it may be less expensive to find a nice home and reconstruct it to fit our perfect model, then to just purchase some land and build our own. Now, we aren't starting this tomorrow, BUT we are looking at plans and construction, prices, lots, etc. I say within the next 5-8 years it's something I'd like to accomplish. But there's alot of factors in that, and we still have to finish this house! But it's a nice goal for us to share :)

Well I'm off to do something about this ragamuffin on top of my head in time for church. Toodles.

In my dreams...

I had another wierd dream (don't I always??). I'll try to remember the key points because I've been awake for a few hours.

In the dream I was working at BGC and one of the girls I know who works at another branch was there. She was VERY pregnant! And I was so excited because I started asking her all these questions about her pregnancy and about the jobs insurance benefits and whether she will stay working after the baby is born. Well she appeared kind of cranky in the dream and kind of shrugged her shoulders and told me that she didn't really know about the coverages (NOT helpful!) and that she doesn't care because she's not planning on returning to work. So I walked to work in another area and when I had came back a few minutes later passing by the same pregnant girl, she has given birth! Like freshly given birth! I said to her "How could you just give birth in minutes?! I just saw you like 5 minutes ago?"

Even after this craziness I still convinced myself it wasn't a dream and went on about working, hehe.


I guess the main thing is...PREGNANCY! But why is my friend pregnant?

Pregnancy dreams usually symbolize a period of spiritual and transitional growth - perhaps in this case, it's for your friend - or it could be for you as well.

This makes sense for me because yesterday we finally became members of the church we've been attending for months! We are both really excited because we really enjoy the church and the people there. Still it doesn't make any sense why my random friend was there...And I'm not sure if I could ever even find out why she is the one pregnant and having the baby?  

Giving Birth to a Baby could mean... birthing a new idea, undertaking a new direction,  or entering a new life stage.

Again not sure why I wasn't the main character for this. Does this mean I want to watch someone else birth a new idea? A few nights ago I dreamed I was planning for pregnancy and hanging up newborn girls clothes. And now the dreams circle around another person?  Also I am working in the dream and dealing with some issues at my job that I would usually deal with (as it seemed very real).

To see yourself at work in a dream is an indication that your have anxiety about your current task or project. It may further indicate a need to "get to work." There may be an aspect of your work life that you have been neglecting. Consider finishing any open projects.

Interesting, I know I am really trying to organize and maintain some things at my job. Hopefully they will make my job easier and also help with entertaining the kids on a daily basis. Whew--I wrote a lot.

Ciao.

Feeling off

I hate that feeling. Feeling 'off'. It's so annoying because you just can't put your finger on why exactly you don't feel like yourself.

I've been doing pretty good staying busy, this last week flew by. This whole one task per day is really helping me out a lot! Next week tasks are going to be, of course one day for cleaning the house, one day for washing clothes and watching movie, another day for getting my paint area set up (yay!), another day for library, and last day getting things together for BGC Fun Friday events.

I defineitly kinda hope I'm not pregnant this month. I mean I know that's wrong to say and of course if I were to be, it would very VERY welcomed and wanted, but this month...I just been slacking. I haven't taken my prenatal pills in a week, I've been eating awful. My water bottle got broke at work, so I really haven't been drinking much water. This probably explains my 'off' feeling...LOL. I just want to start fresh! Next month will be fresh and not so stressful! November would be even better :)

Anywho, we have church today, and I'm so exhausted! I get up every morning between 7-8 am and just stay up all day until around 10-11 pm. It's tiring! I need to start taking naps or something. Today I'm extra exhausted because yesterday I woke up 7 am and did my usual 'morning baby obsessing' and then tried to take a nap at 10 am. Hubby didn't let that happen so I went to work at 12 pm to 7 pm! I stayed an extra hour to make sure things were organized. I got off work came home, and then got dressed (all running on no power) I got dressed, and went out to eat with friends, after eating walked to movies with other friend. After that got home around 12ish and PASSED OUT (while attempting to read before bed). And here I am up in the wee hours, doing my baby obsessions and GETTING READY TO GET BACK IN THE BED FOR A BIT!!

Ciao.

Quite a dream...

I had a really weird dream last night!!

Hubby and I were at this mom and pops restaurant, that had a hotel connected to it. Well hubby and I were planning on "ahem" baby making, in that hotel after eating. Well I ordered  a strawberry shake because I was soo thirsty in the dream! And I remember drinking the shake and it was not doing ANYTHING for my thirst. I was upset about it so I summoned my hubby to come into the room so we could...yeah. And he said he would be in there shortly, but he never came in! I was HEATED! And very frustrated in the dream.

Also what was also wierd was in the dream I was hanging up a pink babies bath robe on a white hook in the room...it was like I was preparing for a baby girl? Hmm...

The main thing was the thirstyness I had during the dream

To dream that you are thirsty, symbolizes an unmet need. There is an emotional void in your life.

What about my husband avoiding me in the room?

Someone trying to avoid you may represent a feeling or fear of that person avoiding or abandoning you in real life. For more clues, consider why they are avoiding you in the dream.

Why was a hanging up baby girl's clothes in the room?

To dream that you are hanging clothes further means that you are clearing up your mind.

To see baby clothes in your dream implies that you are using a more restrained approach to communicate your thoughts and ideas. 

Honestly--I just think it's Gods way of preparing me for it! But I thought it was funny having a dream hanging up the baby bath robe because in August I dreamed I peed on a stick and it was positive. That was about 2 weeks before I got a the positive. And even though it was not sticky, this time around if I am I know it will be!

Ciao.

Beautiful, Beautiful

Just wanted to drop in real fast nasty and leave a song that has been stuck in my mind all week! It's a christian song called Beautiful, Beautiful and I hope it makes someone smile or blesses someone on their browse on my page! Lyrics are below, and Hubby and I are off to our Marriage Seminar!! Anywho...Enjoy :)





Lyrics:
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Fridays!

It's Friday! Happy Friday! Which means this week is ending and another week of hope and happiness is coming!

Hubby left last night for his 'man trip' with friends and I wasn't as heart broken as I imagined to see him go. Actually last night after work, I ordered some boneless wings and watched 'Just Wright'. Cute movie and good dinner, I was off to bed soon after that.

Today I do have some things to get done, today is Games and Puzzles on Fun Friday at my job. I think the kids are really going to enjoy some of things that I have planned, but I need to finish going to the store and getting everything I will need. I'm doing lunch with a friend and then off to work for the evening. When I get home I plan on watching a sappy movie and going to bed! I have a love/hate relationship with sappy movies.

Hubby and I have 'baby danced' again this month. I KNOW! We were supposed to wait! TO NOVEMBER! Ugh, you know I'm not patient, who am I trying to fool?! I have started charting and temping this month (I'm serious now, no more playing around!) But then...we are still playing around, because we are just randomly picking and choosing dates. Hubby likes to call it "Baby Russian Roulette" LOL. Men. But any who THE TIME IS NOW OR VERY VERY SOON! All signs in my life point to it! My insurance kicks in October 1, and I have called and clarified all information via them in regards to maternity services which are all covered (FOR FREE!! THANK YOU JESUS!) and then yesterday got my packet about my SHORT TERM DISABILITY! HALLELUJAH! I am good to go. I know it would be ideal to wait until November, but I can't just sit around and wait, we mind as well be trying while waiting, it might take us a while anyway! But hopefully not!

Well I'm off to finish this movie, eat left over wings for breakfast and get going!
Ciao.

How can it be?

That time is moving slowly but fast? This week and last week have zipped so far, but then everyday I feel like time is moving so slow?? So explican por favor? Because it makes no sense to me.

Today is just a blah day for me. I think mainly because staying home for most of the day is starting to make me crazy and then because hubby is leaving for a get-a-way trip with the boys from church. And I think I'm really REALLY going to miss him. Don't ask me why, because several months earlier I couldn't get him out of the house for the life of me. And now I can't keep him home! I'm going to miss him terribly because I don't have anything to do. And it's always fun to not have anything to do with someone else. But it's only a few days, I'll have to put my big girl panties on [where did I put those?] and just deal.


I'm making BBQ shredded pork sandwiches for his lunch [and dinner] and just finished watching Frida off my netflix. I love her, she's so inspirational...yet crazy at the same time. Inspires me to get started with art. But I'm gonna post pone art for a bit, because everyday I have some lame activities planned for myself so I don't go crazy. Today was deal with laundry and cleaning [this is an ongoing project, sadly]. Tomorrow I think is a good day to hit the book store for some $1 book sales and get some good readers. Sure I have about 184,857,582 books here, and 543,563 of those are unread or not completed, but I digress.

Friday, well I think I'm going to clean out my bedroom side table drawers, they get so messy so fast! Saturday, I'm going to work all day, that's good and then hopefully hang out with the other lonely wives, whose husbands have left them as well. And then Sunday GOOD OL SUNDAY! I will meet again with my love <3, I already can't wait and he hasn't even left yet.

I realized that by making lots of daily mini goals I can slowly accomplish something, without committing to a huge project and nauseating myself with the details of it. I hope this works, because even when I do get pregnant, it's just gonna be 9 MORE MONTHS of sitting at home WAITING!

But at least I won't be alone :)
Ciao.

Yesterday when we were getting high...

You were invited, you would of liked it...I-I-I-I-I know you all too well.

Ok clearly this was a lyric and not my own thoughts :)

Any who basically yesterday was a really good day!

Hubby called me while I was running to the store to grab some ingredients for lunch. At first I was like, OK his temporary job ran out of work for him and he will have to come home early. (This happened about two times last week). But instead he started telling me about a wonderful career opportunity at a company and the salary they offered him! I was elated! We had always said that the amount he was offered would have been ideal, but we never would have thought he would actually be offered that!

So we are extremely blessed! We were both praising the Lord and thanking him for everything he has done for us. Our faith has held true and God has shown me his promises are true! 

Oh and to top off the day hubby received his diploma in the mail! I'm so proud of him...
Yesterday was such a good day.



And now I'm more READY THAN EVER to start the babymakin...

Time is moving...

SLOW!

I know, I know, patience blah blah blah. Really on my mind right now is BABIES! A mere month, 2 weeks and 5 days till then...ahh.

Anywho, I totally got the big red hand from hubby when I announced my future plans of taking art/yoga class.
He stated

"It sounds expensive!" 

And then of course I said

"Only a mere 30,000 pesos! (I think that's 300?)" 

And then he said

"Can't you just do a yoga DVD at home? And paint a picture here?" 

Uhh...

But it is true, so I can still in fact complete those things, just at home. Which is good because honestly I can probably paint a nice picture for our bathroom. The entire wall is huge...and bare. But I chose the theme colors purple, gray and light yellow and it's hard to find anything to go up there. So I'll just make my own (I'm smiling smugly at myself.) I also think volunteering would help, but I can't actually force myself to start looking into it. I would like to work at an animal shelter...or maybe even a homeless shelter? Not sure how I feel about having to commit to something I'm not confident or sure I want to do.

Today has just begun, but I'm already out of bed, doing laundry, cleaning dishes, and straightening the house up. I have to make lunch for hubby when he gets home from work. And then off to work. This pretty much sums up the rest of September.


Hurry November! Hurry!

Another day...

another doller.

I have to work later today. Work has been kicking my butt lately and giving me the ride of my life. Sometimes I leave their smiling ear to ear bursting that the seams at the results of my day, and some days I leave their almost in tears and so frustrated that I immediately call my husband to complain. The job is treacherous and it's such hard work, but I when it pays off and I get to see a sliver of fun and excitement in those kids, the pay off is so worth it.

I have this feeling that GOD wants me to do this for sure. Don't know how it will lead to counseling but I'm sure it's all planned out.

Besides work I'm in this dreaded 2 month wait for TTC. I chose November as the best month to start and let me give you the sure fire ways I know it is:

1. My job offers both benefit and job protected leave for 12 weeks. You have to be at the company for at least 12 months= 1250 hours to qualify. At the end of the July will mark my complete year.  If I were to get pregnant in Nov, will be due in August.
2. I started temping (I said what the hey!) and that will give me 2 extra months to learn my cycle and better predict ovulation and increase chances of getting pregnant (around my birthday too!)
3. I will be officially taken prenatal vitamins for 3 months, which is the recommended time and amount to have in your system before you actually start baby making. 
4. Give us time to settle in our fields a bit more and save more money.
5. I will be under  under or around 7 months around May, and will still be able to travel and attend my friends weddings, my hubby is in one and I in another a week later! And will have a cute bump to sport too!

God is something else. I know I had prayed and prayed for a baby last month, and sadly it came and went. But how lucky am I? I didn't realize it, but I called my insurance company this week and my job health insurance doesn't start until Oct. I bet you, if I was already pregnant and then got the job insurance, they would have treated it as a pre-existing condition. Making my life a whole lot complicated than it needs to be.

All in all, I really think November is the ideal time to start trying and I need to learn that PATIENCE is a virtue (blah blah blehhh). I smile smugly at myself because actually this all mature and smart baby planning. We are not just blindly jumping in and having no idea what we are really doing. We are lining up most of our ducks and somewhat in order (hehe).

Well I only have a mere...1 month and 3 weeks until...I'm sure I can entertain myself for this long...

P.S I TOTALLY GRADUATE WITH MY MASTERS IN COUNSELING TODAY! Did I forget to add that? FRIED ICE CREAM HERE I COME!

Those crazy dreams...

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was out and about with hubby, we were at some sort of ....thing. LOL, I can't recall where we were but it was like we were just walking around downtown it seemed, in and our through random buildings. Any who, hubby was with friends from back home, and he mentioned that he used to do drugs. Drugs?! He said hardcore drugs like crack cocaine and heroine. I couldn't believe it! Then I got super angry, like RED HOT angry! I told him in the dream that he also lied to me about several things like drinking and stuff. And told him that I couldn't even trust him anymore. I was so upset and devastated!

  

To dream that someone is a liar, indicates your growing distrust for that person. You may have lost your faith in that individual. Alternatively, it suggests that you are no longer as confident.

To see your husband in your dream, signifies the waking relationship with your husband and the unconscious feelings you have towards him. The dream may be trying to focus on hidden elements that you are not addressing in your waking life.

Hmm...

A new start.

So I have decided on some small things to start with.

I have already somewhat mastered getting over my cooking fear. I have not only saved money, but also learned quite a few delicious meals that my Hubby really enjoys : )

So along with cooking and waiting until the long time before November 1st (only a mere, 1 month 4 weeks and 3 days left!) I have decided to take an Art class offered by the City, as well as an 8 week yoga/mediation class.

It's about $300.00 for everything together. Along with this, I've also decided to let my hubby purchase the video camera he's been dying to get in order to start his career jump.

This sounds promising...as a new start.

• Get a job!
• Work on yard (front and back)
• Travel to Las Vegas one more time :)
• Take a dance class
• Take a yoga class
• Take an art class
• Go camping
• Go to ski resort/cabin
• Change last name (officially!)
• Finish scrapbooks (up to date)
• Go out of the country again (Mexico, Puerto Rico, Italy, etc!)
• Go on a cruise!
• Go to New York City for a weekend- see a Broadway play
• Paint a picture for the home
• Finish (5) books (on book #1!)
• Get a fish tank and fishes!
• Put hardwood floors down
• Start and save extra money in new account for baby! :)
• Buy a new digital camera
• Go to California
• Have a dinner party (cooked by me!)

Hard to deny the flesh...

It is very hard...but let me tell you my story.

We actually decided in the middle of August that we were going to start for a family. Yes, it probably wasn't the ideal time and things could have waited but because hubby said to me, that he was ready, I decided FINALLY! And couldn't wait any longer, but also thinking that chances are it may take 2 or 3 months to even get pregnant. I obsessed during the dreaded 2 week wait over every little detail. Pregnancy and babies had consumed my life. I had stopped doing anything, including planning for work, cooking dinner, doing household chores, even walking my dog for crying out loud. Everything was baby, baby, baby! My hubby found it annoying, and I did too, I just couldn't stop!

Well...we ditched the rubber contraception and after we "baby danced" around the time I get my period I noticed it was late. I was excited because--well this could be it!  Finally a day after what I thought my period should have started I took an early pregnancy test and it said positive, but it was very faint. But a line is a line right? I was soo excited! The next day which was Saturday I took 4 more tests, all early response tests and they were faint but visible positives. I WAS UBERLY EXCITED! I told hubby and my parents and shared the good news with some friends at work.

Well, the next morning Sunday, I took a digital test to confirm...to my surprise it said Not pregnant. I was so confused, I was late on my period and I had gotten like 6 positive tests. Maybe I'm early? Well, I'll take another early response test to confirm, because it should be getting darker...well I took the test and to my dismay, it was even fainter than the one before. I was devastated. I cried and cried that morning, alone in my bathroom.

I knew something was wrong. Already.

The next morning, my period has started and I realized I had a chemical pregnancy.

"A chemical pregnancy is another name for a very early miscarriage.

When implantation occurs, but the pregnancy fails to develop properly, it is called a chemical pregnancy. That's because you were technically pregnant (you produced the chemical HCG), but a normal pregnancy did not result. You see it as a regular period, or a period that is a few days late."

I was pretty upset that Sunday when my test was negative, but I went to church and was prayed for by the pastor. Some key things I remember, is that he said I didn't like to see women and children hurt, and that it will show in my near future. He also said things will be better for my husband and I. He also said that God is gonna deal with me on some things first...he's gonna deal with me.

And I think I know what's going on. I think God is testing not only my faith in him, but my patience. My patience was good for a bit, but nearly not long enough. I rushed into this baby thing, and completely forgot about my responsibilities and important issues.

Long story short, I decided this morning, because it was set on my heart to do this...was to be patient until November to start TTC again. I chose this date to give myself time learn a bit more about my body, to get my insurance and benefits understood/eligible at my job (FML is job AND benefit protected for 12 weeks!). And to spend the next few days getting into a routine of walking my dog and self, making sure my home stays clean, getting closer to God, doing my best at work and making sure I'm keeping myself busy at home doing things I want, volunteer and yoga/art.

I sure said alot...but hopefully it will happen soon enough, and this time it will last...

God said to me

...To be patient. God said to me, to calm down and rest assured that his plans are for the best. He is a amazing and miraculous God and you just need to have faith in him. I do have faith in God and his will, will be done in my life. I choose God's will and I choose to follow, praise, worship, and trust in God. And this is very true. And from my heart, inspired by God...

Thank you for the message Lord.

Crazy Dream...

I had a CRAZY dream last night! Well the main parts, hubby and I had moved to Aruba Aruba, which look liked my current city but was considered Mexico in Aruba Aruba in the middle of the desert! But it was like we went on vacation and ended up staying because it was like this cult! And there were people from my city I know and friends from church there. I remember thinking I can never go back home though or have any one to pick me up because they may hurt me. We were stranded in the cult.

Any who something in the dream that sticks out was I went to the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. It was positive. Now, I'm not getting excited because it's just a dream. But I've heard a lot of stories of women dreaming about it and then it coming true! How lame do I sound??

Any who let's get down to the business.

Desert

 Deserts are also symbolic of barrenness, loneliness and feelings of isolation and hopelessness. The desert landscape may also be a metaphor for feeling deserted and left behind.

Cult

On a more positive note, you have the desire to strive for a better Self. It implies devotion and sense of community. 

 Wow that is really really interesting.

Bathroom

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, a bathroom symbolizes purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

Stranded

To dream that you are stranded, represents your feelings of isolation and loneliness. You are seeking out for someone to help and rescue you from your situation. 

Hmm...this is worrying me! Well last but not least... 

   

Pregnancy Test 

Alternatively, this dream may be literal in meaning and address your anxieties/fears of getting pregnant.

 Soo...this is right on the money at least! I'm still due for AF technically tommorow, don't think I should this early...but....

Ciao.

Ugh--this week has been crazy!

Craziness!

I have started about 3 entries, only to not finish them and start doing something else. [A.D.D!]

Well TTC is underway and there's no way I can keep it a secret on my blog, but I doubt anyone actually reads my blog who knows me personally,  

But if you do, please keep these things private, DO NOT flower my facebook profile with baby related things and congratulations on my page!! 

I need to be ready to come out on my own about things at my own pace. But I need my release here. Plus it's not like it's a big secret anyway, everyone knows how baby crazy I've been since...geez forever?

Sunday, 31 August 2008

First comes marriage...then comes the baby!

But it's so wierd. I believe GOD always sends me messages. I don't know how but sometimes they come in various ways. And lately...my heart has been feeling strongly about a baby. I do not know why. Being pregnant and starting a family is weighing so heavily right now. There's more things I want to do in life before settling down like that. I still need to finish school, we have to get married next year, we need to find a spot we want to live in thats great for both of our careers...I'm looking at baby stuff, and thinking about babies, I'm so akward with babies though, you can tell I'm such a non baby person...I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from, and I don't know if we are ready for a baby now, but I got a feeling after we get married in June, and I graduate in school....it might happen. I mean, I know you can never really plan for a baby...because things never go as planned, but is there a right time, or good time to have one??

So you see that it's been literally a while since GOD has put that on my heart and I've been treading along...each year after year...

Friday, 10 July 2009

I finally got it.

Well...now I am happily married!! Let's see...happily married (together for over 5 years, living together for almost 2), stable job, house, a car... No...this burning desiring to reproduce that months later has not left me. I have tried to explain it to others, including JC and no one really gets it. It's a constant mind vs. body war. I really don't want to have a child right now, but it's so weird...it's like everything has came together perfectly that this is what I'm supposed to do?? I beg to differ logically. Ok...children are $$$ and time...and a lot of things that I don't really want to give up right now. But it's like my body is fighting and boy when she fights, she fights hard. My ovulation cycles are getting painful! Like every time a egg shoots out they are determined!!I'm trying to deal...it's the most frustrating anxiety I have experience so far in my life. I guess I'm ready in all the ways...but still 2 years is ideal!!

And so, yes I feel that for some crazy reason, God is leading my heart to believe that the time is now! And if it isn't 'right now' I'm sure it will be right on time when he wants it.

But sure enough...I have been officially exposed to the world of TTC [trying to conceive] learning the terms, BD [baby dance], DPO [days past ovulation], CM...I'm not going to say that one. But it's just sooo much information. And of course like the nerd I am, I am learning every single thing and trying wayyy to hard than I bet Adam and Eve did to accomplish this goal. I am not charting and taking temps, oh no, it's not like that. But I am looking at every single little symptom and I'm just TIRED of that. Literally tired [SYMPTOM!]

But as of today, I have decided that I'm pretty sure like 80% sure that AF [another word!] will appear soon, so I'm just hanging out till then.There's always next few months and I really think that the farther along in the summer the better because we are in weddings next year!

Other than that, OMG work has been atrocious! I'm pretty sure that word was not necessary or even used correctly, but I wanted to use it today, just to magnify the emotion. I mean some of these kids [and by kids I mean teens!] are out of control and really need their parents to be jailed for the lack and neglectful childhood they gave them. Most of the teens are good kids, but they are slowly being corrupted by what they see in their neighborhood and in the nasty negative media. Honestly, I felt that yesterday I just wanted to quit because my patience has disappeared. But after alot of pep talks, I decided to just put on my big girl panties [yeah, I thought I had them on too, but apparently they haven't been] and take this in stride. This job is a work in progress, and if I just give up now, I'll just be hurting them more than myself. The fortune cookie slip that I found right outsdie my car door a few weeks back stated

"Stick with the career that challenges you, otherwise you'll just be wasting your talent"

No lie. It said that. At the time I was working at the restaurant and doing my internship...but it's funny isn't it?

Ciao.